This dream is a fantasy that’s undermining your ability to maintain harmony in your intimate relationships and could possibly be keeping you from identifying an ideal match to share your life with.

When you’re ready to accept that even happy couples argue, then you can become curious about happy couples and what they know about arguing and making up that you haven’t figured out yet.

Unhappy as well as happy couples:

• Sometimes raise their voices at each other.
• Sometimes say things they regret.
• Sometimes freeze each other out when they are upset.
• Sometimes disappoint each other.

So what’s the difference between happy couples and unhappy couples?

Here’s the deal: It’s not one thing. The difference is in how happy couples perceive each other and the actions they take when conflicts arise.

7 Secrets Happy Couples Know About Arguing & Making Up

1. Happy Couples Take Responsibility Instead Of Assign Blame

Relationship is like a funhouse mirror. At the carnival, you look in a funhouse mirror and see a distorted image of yourself. You might have a long head, a tiny torso with big giant feet, or some other odd image staring back at you. And sometimes what you see is so weird that you don’t even recognize yourself.

This is what happens when you’re in an intimate relationship. You aren’t looking at your partner. You’re looking at a distorted image of yourself. And all your flaws and frustrations with yourself get projected onto your partner.

Happy couples realize this and take responsibility for their projections.

It’s much easier to blame your partner when things go wrong and to judge your partner’s strategies for dealing with stress. Their behavior makes you uncomfortable and you’d probably handle things differently. If only he/she would just do things your way the two of you would get along so much better.

Ultimately blaming and judging your partner leads to a power struggle between the two of you. Just let go of the rope.

Happy couples take ownership of their discomfort whatever it may be and allow their partner the freedom to make his/her own choices. It’s this acceptance that creates harmony between you and a bond that lasts over time.

2. Happy Couples Don’t Require Agreement

One of the biggest causes of a power struggle in a relationship is the need for your partner to agree with you. The need for him/her to agree with your desires, your opinions, and your strategies will cause a lot of conflict between the two of you.

Instead, happy couples understand that intimacy doesn’t require agreement.

Agreement won’t bring you closer together, but authenticity will. When you share your truth and take responsibility for your emotions, you open the door for your partner to share his/her truth. Authenticity is a high vibration, and its expression creates intimacy between the two of you.

You both feel seen, heard and understood. You may both still disagree, but it suddenly isn’t that important because you feel connected. That’s the magic of intimacy.

Happy couples know the importance of being authentic. They don’t have the unrealistic expectation that they’ll always agree with one another. Being authentic and speaking up to share and express feelings allows a deeper bond to grow over time.

3. Happy Couples Fight For The Relationship, Not Each Other

The only way out of a power struggle in a relationship is to fight for the relationship instead of each other. When you choose to fight for the relationship, you put aside your ego desires to be “right” and commit to finding understanding for each other’s experience.

Letting go of the need to be right isn’t about giving up what you value or what’s important to you. It’s about letting go of the rope and listening to your partner so you can understand his/her point of view. You can have empathy and compassion for your partner’s upset and also share your experience.

If you believe you have to give up something you value just to get along, it won’t feel like love. It’ll feel like you’re constantly sacrificing your needs to have peace.

Happy couples don’t sacrifice their needs thinking it’ll make things better. Instead, they fight for the relationship and understand the importance of reconnecting and repairing after a fight.

4. Happy Couples Don’t Accept An Apology Until They Are Ready To Let It Go

Rushing to forgiveness can cause a lot of problems if you aren’t ready to let the argument go. It’s great that your partner is willing to take responsibility and apologize for his/her behavior.

This does not mean that you’re ready to let it go. If you find yourself still arguing in your mind about what was said or done, you aren’t ready to accept the apology that has been offered.

When you accept an apology, it means that you’re ready to let the argument go. You’re committing to not bringing it up again. Don’t accept an apology because you want the fight to end. Accept an apology from your partner because you’re ready to let it go and reconnect with your partner.

Happy couples make the effort to clean things up entirely rather than rushing to forgiveness and avoiding the uncomfortable conversation.

5. Happy Couples Don’t Forget To Repair

Mistakes happen. Words get said that you wish you could take back. Sometimes you take actions that you’re not proud of. This is all part of the human experience.

Happy couples are different because they never forget to repair when arguments occur. They take responsibility for their behavior, apologize, and they offer amends when necessary.

When an argument hasn’t been repaired, it’ll fester, and flare up without warning. You may find yourself in a fight cycle that feels like it’ll never end. This is what people mean when they break up because of irreconcilable differences.

They never took the time to repair the fight so the space between them feels insurmountable. How could you let go of those hurts if you never did the work of healing them?

Happy couples know that the most important step in any argument is to repair and reconnect with each other.

6. Happy Couples Have Clear Ground Rules About How To Fight

Creating ground rules about arguments gives you a feeling of safety when there’s conflict. You know that an argument won’t end the relationship.

Happy couples create clear rules and boundaries so that they fight fair. These rules may bend sometimes, and ultimately, they do the work of taking responsibility and repairing and making best efforts moving forward.

Happy couples have clear communication and a system to take a break if things get too heated, and for letting their partner know when they’re ready to reconnect and repair.

Creating ground rules for disagreements can be an uncomfortable conversation, however, they give you a structure so that you and your partner can make it through the challenging times that’ll inevitably come your way.

No one would bring a baby home from the hospital without a plan of what to do with all the dirty diapers. Make sure you plan the same way for the crap that will show up between you and your partner.

Happy couples know the importance of having clear ground rules that allow for mutual respect even when there is conflict. The secret sauce is having clear communication and a plan rather than the fantasy that fights will never occur.

7. Happy Couples Clean Up As They Go

Holding onto little frustrations can lead to them building up and eventually exploding into a much bigger argument. It’s like a volcano that has built up so much pressure that it spews lava and ash all over the place.

When this happens, you feel terrible, and you decide that you don’t like conflict. So you keep things to yourself until they blow up again.

Happy couples know how to release the pressure by cleaning up the little frustrations as they go. This doesn’t mean that you nitpick everything with your partner. It does mean that you regularly share how you feel and make requests for adjustments.

We call this process “keeping your sink clean.” When you tell your partner that you have a dirty fork you need to clean up, your partner can relax knowing that you aren’t going to mention half a dozen things you’re upset about.

This open line of communication allows you to reconnect again and again with your partner so that you don’t find that one day you’ve grown apart. It also means that you’re not going outside the relationship to complain or seek comfort elsewhere.

Clean your sink as you go and you’ll have a happy and healthy relationship.

Happy couples may fight and behave like any other couple, but it’s what they do after the fight that makes all the difference in creating long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.

Are you struggling to find common ground with your partner? If you are looking for more tools to navigate your disagreements, download our free guide: The 5 Stages Of Relationship. You’ll get a map to move past any power struggles to create a lasting partnership filled with co-creation and bliss.

Most relationship communication problems aren’t because of a lack of love, they’re the result of a lack of skills for expressing feelings, resolving conflict, or making requests. Over time, these misfires create feelings of hurt and frustration, and slowly chip away at trust and emotional intimacy, weakening the foundation of the relationship.

The good news is that relationship communication skills can be learned. While sex is instinctual, long-term monogamous relationship is not. You weren’t born knowing how to communicate your emotions, and likely you weren’t modeled healthy communication skills in your family of origin.

Developing your relationship communication skills will pay off for a lifetime in all your relationships, especially romantic ones. Whether you’re dating, in a new relationship, or deep into a long-term commitment, learning to identify your bad communication habits and acquiring healthier relationship communication techniques can make you a better, more compassionate partner.

Here are the most common relationship communication mistakes that block intimacy and what to do instead.

Mistake #1: Expecting Your Partner To Read Your Mind

You might sigh loudly, give the silent treatment, or drop vague hints hoping your partner will figure out what you need. When they don’t pick up on your cues, you feel hurt, not valued, or even worse, rejected. This approach can leave both of you feeling misunderstood and frustrated.

Hoping your partner will read between the lines isn’t romantic—it’s a communication trap that often leads to resentment. Learning to speak up for yourself and make requests may require practice. Be kind and loving with yourself as you learn better relationship communication skills. The dating process is an ideal place to practice because there’s nothing at stake yet.

What To Do Instead:

Clearly state your needs using “I” language which allows you to take responsibility for your experience. Instead of hoping your partner will intuit your desires, say: “I felt disappointed when our plans changed last minute again. I need consistency so I can trust that I’m valued in my most important relationship.” Directness creates clarity, and therefore creates connection.

Mistake #2: Avoiding Conflict To Keep The Peace

If you’re afraid that conflict indicates a problem in the relationship you may avoid bringing up concerns altogether. Remaining silent to avoid rocking the boat ends up creating emotional distance and disconnect.

Conflict is part of sharing your life with another person. Burying your feelings or denying them doesn’t make them go away. This strategy creates resentment which builds under the surface until it eventually erupts or calcifies into apathy.

What To Do Instead:

Rather than allowing your emotions to build up over time, speak up early, while the issue is still manageable. Practice expressing your needs and frustrations in a way that invites collaboration. Try: “I feel scared about bringing up something that concerns me, especially when it’s something small. I don’t want there to be landmines in our relationship. Can we talk about what’s been bothering me?” True intimacy grows through repair, not avoidance.

In your beloved relationship you can talk about anything, but you don’t have to talk about everything. Relationship communication issues only work themselves out when you speak your truth. Rehearse making requests from people that you’re close with, you’ll likely find that all your relationships improve by sharing your authentic self.

Mistake #3: Waiting To Respond Instead Of Listening To Understand

Sadly, most people listen just enough to prepare a response, while others interrupt, correct, or shut down their partner before they’ve finished speaking. These habits can turn conversations into power struggles rather than opportunities for a stronger bond. If your partner doesn’t feel heard, they will eventually stop sharing.

This common relationship communication strategy eats away at the love between you. Each partner wants to feel loved and safe. Learning to listen without forming a reply takes practice.

What To Do Instead:

Practice reflective listening. Concentrate entirely on what they’re saying and reflect it back before sharing your own thoughts. Try: “It sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed and that you need more support. Did I get that right?” This practice builds trust and signals that their emotions matter and that you value them.

Mistake #4: Using Absolutes Like “Always” And “Never”

Statements like “You always ignore me,” or “You never listen,” create defensiveness and leave no room for nuance or growth. They assign character flaws instead of identifying specific behaviors that can be addressed and changed.

What To Do Instead:

Avoid generalizations and speak to the specific behavior that triggered your response. Say: “I feel dismissed and unimportant when the person I’m speaking with looks at their phone during our conversations.”

Utilizing “I” language and avoiding saying “You,” opens the door for understanding rather than escalating the tension.

Another option is to ask for a pause. Absolute language is a sign that you’re triggered, which means you’re not in the right emotional space to converse about the issue. Take a break and calm your nervous system. Once your big brain is back online you can come together with your partner for a proper repair.

Mistake #5: Using Sarcasm, Criticism, Or Contempt

Sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling, or mocking may appear as emotional venting, however, these behaviors are poison to feeling connected and close. These strategies create a climate of shame and criticism instead of safety and connection.

Contempt is one of the strongest predictors of relationship failure because it blocks intimacy by making the other person feel small or unsafe.

What To Do Instead:

Slow down and identify the vulnerable feelings underneath your frustration and hurt. Share your feelings instead of lashing out. Try: “I feel hurt and disconnected. Would you please share with me how you’re feeling? I’d like to know we’re on the same team.” Vulnerability invites connection while criticism invites distance.

Relationship communication doesn’t have to be perfect to find your way through life with a beloved partner. Love is messy, and sometimes you’ll make mistakes in how you communicate. The repair suggestion above also works as an apology when you make mistakes, just add, “I’m sorry…”

Mistake #6: Keeping Score

If you’re tracking every mistake or emotional debt, you’re treating the relationship like a scoreboard instead of a partnership. Scorekeeping creates competition and breeds resentment, turning love into a series of transactions.

Keeping score belittles your partner and ends the possibility of ever putting the past behind you. This relationship communication strategy is as close as you can get to a checkmate—game over.

What To Do Instead:

Shift your mindset from tit-for-tat to shared investment. Talk about patterns instead of individual slights, and ask your partner what they need to feel more supported.

If your relationship communication strategy is to keep score, you can break this habit by asking for amends (or offering them). When an agreement has been broken, trust must be reestablished. Once apologies are accepted and amends have been completed you must create a new habit of letting go of old grudges. Your goal must be connection, not victory.

Mistake #7: Shutting Down Instead Of Staying Present

Emotional withdrawal, stonewalling, or completely shutting down during conflict might feel like self-protection, but to your partner, it appears like abandonment. Silence and avoidance can do as much damage as words.

Leaving your partner to fill in the blanks and assume what’s going on with you can undermine confidence in the relationship. This relationship communication strategy fosters disconnection and can doom a relationship overnight.

What To Do Instead:

If you need space to regulate your emotions, name it clearly and commit to returning for repair within a specified timeframe. Try: “I feel overwhelmed and I need some time to gather my thoughts. Can we please reconnect in 30 minutes so we can talk calmly?”

Your presence doesn’t mean you have to have all the answers, it means you stay emotionally engaged and communicate.

Mistake #8: Minimizing Or Dismissing Feelings

Telling your partner they’re overreacting or too sensitive doesn’t make the issue go away. It’s disrespectful and devalues their feelings and the relationship. Minimizing emotions leads to escalation in your disagreement and alienates the person you love.

What To Do Instead:

Validate their emotions before you respond. Acknowledge their emotional reality, even if you don’t share it. Say: “It makes sense that you’d feel upset after what happened. I want to understand more about your experience.” Validation doesn’t mean you agree, it means you care enough to listen.

If you get triggered when your partner is triggered, go back and read through the section about being defensive. This bad habit often shows up by dismissing your partner’s experience. Your willingness to call it out, own it, and put effort towards changing is the key to moving through this hurdle together.

Mistake #9: Bottling Up Until You Explode

When you avoid addressing issues in real time, you set the stage for a blow-up. Small annoyances left unspoken often build into disproportionate reactions (this occurs because all emotions compound). This pattern may cause your significant other to feel like they’re walking on eggshells, wondering when the volcano will explode again.

What To Do Instead:

Practice being emotionally authentic in all your communication. Share your feelings often, when you feel good, or anxious, and even when you’re upset. Speaking your truth with a small issue, or upon a first event, keeps the communication manageable.

You don’t have to pick your battles in love because you’re not at war with your beloved. If something is bothering you at a level one out of ten, it’s best to clean it up rather than allowing things to build up. Keep your emotional kitchen sink clean by cleaning up the small issues before they become an overwhelming pile of dirty dishes. Say: “I’d like to share a small issue with you, it’s like an oyster fork. I want to make sure we’re always emotionally connected and there’s nothing between us.”

Mistake #10: Using Guilt Or Comparison To Motivate Change

Statements like “If you really loved me, you’d do this,” or “Why can’t you be more like so-and-so?” weaponize communication. They bypass authentic requests and instead rely on shame and manipulation. These tactics may create short-term compliance, but they destroy long-term connection.

You might be motivated by the stick, but your partner might respond better to a carrot. Opposites attract, so speaking with your partner like you speak to yourself may not be an ideal strategy for healthy relationship communication.

What To Do Instead:

Communicate your desires directly without making it a test of their love for you. Say: “I enjoy visiting your family on the weekends, and I would feel more connected if we could carve out some time just for us. Can we plan something special for next weekend?”

If you haven’t been working on making a direct request, it may feel uncomfortable at first. Practice making requests and don’t expect to always get your way. Loving communication invites collaboration, not coercion.

Real Connection Requires Skillful Communication

Perfection is not required to be a great partner and a good communicator, but practice is essential to make a new skill into a habit. Relationship communication is not mastering scripts—it’s building habits of authenticity, empathy, and repair. Keeping the lines of communication open is the key to overcoming most relationship communication issues.

If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of miscommunication, emotional shutdown, or repeated conflict, don’t despair—you now have the awareness to create change. It’s time to upgrade your relationship communication strategies.

Our book is a step-by-step guide to creating emotional mastery, calming your nervous system, communicating your feelings and making requests. We even share how to turn a conflict into a deeper connection. Order your copy today: Getting It Right This Time.

I love the advice you give out on your blog and in your webinars. I’m wondering what you think about texting… is it good or bad? Is it bad for me to text with a guy I like?

Is it okay for me to text a guy I like whenever I feel like it? Or is it better for me to wait for him to reach out first?

I feel great when I see this one guy, but in between dates I feel awkward texting with him. When we actually meet face-to-face the conversation flows, and I don’t know how to get that feeling when we’re just texting. Do you have any advice for me?

Thank you!

Katy”

Hi Katy,

Thanks for asking us about texting with a guy you like. A lot of singles (not just you) stress and worry about when to text and how often. With dating apps and in between dates there’s a lot of texting going on and most of it is unnecessary and doesn’t create the connection people hope for.

Texting is not a great way to create rapport so it’s best kept to a minimum. Texting is a very low investment, so if you want to get to know someone a phone call or video chat is a better way to go. Overall texting is ideal for logistics like:

• I’m running 10 minutes late.
• I’m seated at a table in the back.
• I’ve arrived, just parking the car.

More and more, texting is replacing phone conversations and this is where things can get murky, because when you’re just getting to know someone it’s important to have clear communication.

If You’re Texting With A Guy Here Are 5 Things To Keep In Mind:

1. Respond With Equal Or Slightly Less Than His Text

A love story between two people is like a ballroom dance — one person has to lead. If both people are leading, you’ll end up stepping on each other’s toes and instead of a dance, you’re in a tug-of-war with him. If both people are waiting to follow each other there’s no tug-of-war, but sadly there’s still no dance happening either.

Let the guy lead which means when you respond use roughly equal (or slightly less) than the amount of content he’s sent to you. Allowing a guy to lead and matching his communication style is a way of creating rapport as well as discovering if he’s interested in a relationship with you (not just hanging out for some companionship).

If you’re sending him texts with your thoughts, feelings, and plans, then there isn’t space for him to step up and move the relationship forward. Lean back and wait for him to drive. This way you’ll give him room to reveal his intentions.

The same applies to the amount of time he waits to respond to you. However, in this case, wait about the same amount of time to reply or slightly longer than he did.

By following this rule for texting with a guy you’ll be setting up the energetics of the relationship in such a way that you’ll never have to ask him, “Where’s this going?” because with the right guy, he’ll be showing you every step of the way. You’ll never wonder about his intentions with you.

Ultimately, a guy that wants a relationship with you will pursue you for a relationship. It’s your role as the woman, to let him know the water is warm (if you’re interested in him), and keep in mind you don’t have to follow along, you can always redirect by making a request.

There are many ways for you to text with a guy you like and let him know you’re definitely interested. Continue reading for more ideas…

2. Ask Questions Rather Than Share About Yourself

Send texts that let him know you’re curious about him. Curiosity is an attractive quality, plus most people like it when someone shows an interest in them. Ask about his favorite ice cream flavor. If he could choose a superpower what would it be? What’s his favorite book that he’s read over the past year?

Use questions to take the conversation from text to a phone call. Texting should never replace a conversation, nor should you get too wrapped up in overanalyzing his responses. Save the getting to know him for when you’re together IRL on a date.

Asking questions can also help you discover more about his lifestyle and what inspires him. This way you’ll begin to discover if the two of you are a values match should things develop further. This is extremely important because having shared values is the key to longevity in relationship.

Unfortunately, you cannot find out a person’s values over a few conversations. You’ll discover his values over time by observing his behavior and how he spends his time, energy, and resources.

Simply asking won’t give you an accurate depiction of a person. For example, no one will tell you they don’t value honesty and they just lied to you five minutes ago. You’ll have to find out as time goes on if his actions match his words.

Keep your text questions light and not too personal. They’re for breaking the ice, not for delving deep into his psyche.

3. Acknowledge And Appreciate Him When Appropriate

Acknowledgment and appreciation are the fuel a man runs on in relationship. It’s also a great way of letting a guy know you’re interested in him. You can follow up after a date by sending a quick text of appreciation thanking him for the time you spent together.

Keep your text brief and to the point. Do nothing else, and if he responds quickly, delay your response a bit. Leave the ball in his court unless his reply warrants a response.

Don’t be upset if he doesn’t respond right away. If he’s regularly texting you and asking you to see him, don’t worry if he’s not too quick to respond via text. There are a million reasons he may be distracted and not able to reply to you quickly and most of them have absolutely nothing to do with you.

It’s best to have low expectations during the workday. So you can send him a short text during his workday, just don’t be attached to having a text conversation with him while he’s at work.

Just as you want to be with someone who has a full life – you ought to have your life full as well. Send the text, think nothing of it, and if you’re lucky enough to hear back quickly, don’t assume he’s suddenly available for a conversation.

One of the first personal growth books ever written is, The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. In the book, he goes in-depth into the concept of “Delayed Gratification.” There are many ways to implement this strategy and texting with a guy you like is a great place to implement the strategy of delayed gratification. It will also serve you over time for a lifelong relationship full of love and happiness.

The key to texting with a guy you like is to keep him wanting more. Read on to find out more ways to have him eager to see you again…

4. Send Enticing Texts With An Ellipsis At The End…

Leaving an open-ended text can be a great way to flirt with a guy you like via text messages. Some people call this an open loop where you send part of your thoughts and don’t finish them allowing him to wonder about the details.

After a great date with a guy send one of these texts:

• I’m still thinking about…
• I’m still smiling about…
• I’m still dreaming about…

When he asks for clarification you respond with one of these:

• The great time we had.
• The great meal we had.
• Our first/last kiss.

The ellipsis leaves space for his mind to fill in the blank. An open loop created by the ellipsis means you’ll be spinning around in his mind for a bit. The more he thinks about you, the more he’s going through the date in his own mind.

You’ll want to be on his mind — so this is a great way to inhabit more of the thoughts up there. You don’t have to share too much. Just short sentences like the examples above leave the door wide open for him to ask you out again (if he hasn’t already).

Attraction and even deep love don’t come with mind-reading powers so share with him what you like and don’t like, and what has you smiling about him.

WARNING: Do not send these texts close together! Wait to respond. Set a timer if you have to because there is nothing sexier than anticipation. If you have it — he has it too. There is a reason we call it sexual TENSION.

Mastering the use of ellipsis in your texting creates excitement so you’re on his mind more often. You’re also letting him know you’re interested without having to take the lead.

Pretend you’re in the passenger seat and have zero access to the controls. Let him drive and discover where he wants to take you. This will tell you everything you need to know about what he’s looking for, and if he’s truly interested in a relationship with you.

5. Use Text Messages For Logistics Rather Than As A Conversation

Conversations are better in person or on the phone (video chat works too). There’s no tone in texting, so it’s a perfect recipe for creating misunderstanding and can wreak havoc on communication and emotional intimacy. Sending multiple emojis isn’t going to solve the problem.

If you want to have a heart-to-heart, or there’s an issue you want to bring up, or an adjustment you’d like him to make, have the conversation in person or over the phone. You can use texting to arrange a phone call but save the important stuff and anything emotional for when you have an opportunity to communicate in person.

Once you’ve made a bad impression over text, it can take a lot of work to smooth things out. Resist the urge to text when you are upset or angry as you can easily type things you’ll later regret (and they can’t be taken back).

To avoid miscommunication and needless conflict, make a phone call or arrange a time to meet over coffee.

The reality is that your mind tends to fill in the blanks and it can slant things toward the positive or the negative. Don’t overanalyze his texts or how he responds to yours. When you’re face-to-face with someone you have so much more than just their words: tone of voice, vocal inflections, facial expressions, and body language to inform you of intent and meaning.

When those things are missing, and you’re reading a text or an email all you have are the words and nothing else. Your mood can even affect how you perceive the words on the page.

During the dating process, don’t give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Even the most handsome of strangers don’t deserve this because they haven’t earned it yet. Your heart is a prize to be won over time. Never invest it until someone has earned it.

People show you who they are through their behavior so pay attention to how a guy treats you when you’ve had a miscommunication, or a disagreement, or when you’re upset, and that’s all you’ll need to discover if he is a match for you, or not.

Besides mishaps while texting with a guy, there are many ways to blow it with someone you like. And if you haven’t figured it out on your own by the time you’re 30, it might be time for some professional help. Lasting love is not instinctual like sex is, you may need to discover your hidden blocks to love to find your beloved life partner.

Join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to lasting love, so if you’re tired of spinning your wheels with dating apps let’s have a call to discuss your map to heal your heart and get the love you want.

Asking the right questions can help you get to know the person you’re dating and gain insight into what makes them tick. A healthy romantic relationship relies on communication, so asking deep relationship questions can help you develop a better connection with each other. Asking questions of one another encourages you to be curious, and curiosity is an attractive quality, as well as an essential ingredient for lasting love.

Asking Questions Builds Intimacy

Being curious helps you avoid making assumptions and filling in the blanks. In the early part of the dating process, it’s easy to be drunk with oxytocin, and that chemical high can fool you into believing the two of you are always on the same page — even when you’re very different people. Curiosity encourages you to look deeper at someone you’re getting to know so you can get a clearer picture of who they really are. When done sincerely and with genuine interest asking deep relationship questions can foster understanding of each other’s thoughts, feelings, desires, and experiences.

In addition, asking deep relationship questions shows that you’re interested in getting to know your date and that you care about their thoughts and feelings. Asking about their day, their dreams, or their fears, shows consideration for their well-being and concern about their life. Your consideration towards them helps them feel valued and cared for, strengthening the emotional bond between you.

Asking Questions Promotes Communication

Asking deep relationship questions encourages open and genuine communication. It creates a safe space for both of you to share your thoughts and emotions, even if they’re vulnerable or difficult to discuss. This openness builds trust, which is crucial for love to grow between you.

You’ll also gain important insights into your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and viewpoints. Understanding each other at a deeper level allows you to feel connected on a more profound emotional level, increasing emotional intimacy. Asking meaningful and thought-provoking questions encourages conversations that delve into the core of who you are as individuals and as a couple.

Intimacy And Communication Support Growing Together, Not Apart

One of the most common reasons couples give for a break-up is that they just “grew apart.” As if gravity or some other mysterious force pulled them apart against their will.  Growing apart isn’t something that happens in a vacuum. Couples grow apart because they stop being curious about each other, they don’t repair after a conflict, and they haven’t learned to respect and navigate through their differences. Lack of communication and connection leads to an emotional distance between them.

Creating an environment that fosters communication and safety allows you to ask questions of each other building trust and connection. Being able to talk about anything creates a bond between two people (and this doesn’t mean you have to talk about everything). A safe and sacred space allows you to explore your differences instead of judging them. When you can defer to one another’s strengths you’ve found someone you can create a life with.

Knowing that you’re both heading in the same direction with the same life goals despite having different interests and personalities, you’re able to find a way to bridge your differences. There’s a feeling of safety and confidence that the relationship can weather the storms of life.

Beware Of Contradictions

Asking deep relationship questions through the dating process is important, and it’s also imperative to see if their behavior matches the words they’ve said. Someone can profess a love of family and talk about how important family is to them, but if they never spend time with their family or regularly speak with them their behavior is showing you a contradiction that cannot be ignored.

People spend their resources (time, energy, money) on the things that are important to them. A person’s actions are more revealing than what they say. It’s easy to say that health is important to you, but if you never go to the gym or don’t eat healthy food, then your statement is more of a desire than a truth. Incongruencies between words and actions are a red flag and you must proceed with caution.

Don’t Invest Your Heart Quickly

Most people rush to a commitment because of a feeling. They’ve met someone that lights them up and they mistake their hope and the excitement they feel with falling in love. The danger of giving your heart away too quickly is not evaluating this person’s capacity to meet your needs and wants, and whether they’re a good match long-term.

Powerful feelings of attraction and chemistry can cause you to give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Ignoring red flags and excusing bad behavior is easy to do once your heart is involved. Instead, embrace slow love, cultivate discernment through the dating process, and don’t invest your heart quickly. If they end up being your person you have the rest of your lives together, so there’s no need to rush.

65 Deep Relationship Questions You Need To Talk About Before Fully Giving Your Heart Away

Deep Relationship Questions About Lifestyle, Hobbies, And Interests

1. How do you currently balance your career and personal life?
2. Are you an adventurous person or would you describe yourself as a homebody?
3. Do you like to travel? If so, where would you like to go next?
4. What do you do to unwind and reduce stress?
5. Do you expect your partner to share your hobbies and interests, or do you prefer to keep them separate?

Deep Relationship Questions About The Future

1. What are your long-term goals and aspirations in life?
2. What changes are you planning to make in the next 3-5 years?
3. How do you envision your ideal future and where does a committed relationship fit into that?
4. What are some of the things at the top of your bucket list?
5. What experiences/adventures do you most want to share with me?

Deep Relationship Questions About Your Wants And Needs

1. Are there things you require to feel loved and safe?
2. What are your thoughts on personal space and independence within a committed relationship?
3. What is your most important emotional need?
4. Do you need your partner to have your back?
5. Do you want to be left alone or pampered when you don’t feel well?

Deep Relationship Questions About Love

1. What was your first experience of romantic love?
2. Do you know what you require to feel loved?
3. Do you know your attachment style?
4. How do you know you’ve fallen in love?
5. How do you see us supporting each other’s dreams and goals, both individually and as a couple?

Deep Relationships Questions About Their Family

1. What is your relationship to your family? Are you close?
2. Have you ever been estranged from family members? If yes, why?
3. What do you like and dislike about the way your parents raised you?
4. How did your family deal with disagreements?
5. Were you raised with a particular religion? Do you still practice it?

Deep Relationship Questions About Communication

1. On a scale of 1-10 how important is emotional connection for you?
2. Do you consider yourself emotionally demonstrative? (You easily express your emotions.)
3. Do you regularly speak up for yourself or do you find it difficult?
4. Do you get louder or repeat yourself when you don’t feel heard?
5. Do you consider yourself an early bird or a night owl?

Deep Relationship Questions About Spirituality And Religion

1. Do you currently practice a different religion than you were raised with?
2. Do you believe in God?
3. On a scale of 1-10, how important is it that your partner shares your beliefs?
4. Is a spiritual community, or fellowship important to you?
5. Are there any spiritual or religious rituals or traditions you’d like to incorporate into our relationship or family life?

Deep Relationship Questions About The Past

1. What important events shaped you and helped make you the person you are today?
2. What’s your favorite memory from your childhood?
3. What are the significant intimate relationships you’ve had, and why do you think they didn’t work out?
4. Have you received any support in healing your relationship baggage and emotional wounds?
5. What would you change about your past if you could?

Deep Relationship Questions About Sex

1. On a scale of 1 – 10 how important is physical intimacy to you?
2. Are you comfortable sharing the number of people you’ve been intimate with?
3. Do you consider any type of birth control unacceptable?
4. What role does emotional intimacy play in your sexual satisfaction?
5. Are there any specific sexual desires or fantasies you’d like to explore together?

Deep Relationship Questions About Marriage And Commitment

1. What are your views on marriage, and do you see yourself getting married in the future?
2. Would you live with someone you’re not engaged or married to?
3. What are your deal breakers in a committed relationship?
4. Are you comfortable with lifelong monogamy or are you interested in an open relationship?
5. What are some of the challenges you think couples face in maintaining love and intimacy over the long term?

Deep Relationship Questions About Money

1. How do you manage your finances? Do you have a system?
2. Are you open to sharing bank accounts, or would you prefer they remain separate?
3. Do you consider yourself a spender or a saver?
4. Is a prenup important to you?
5. If money wasn’t an issue would you stay at your job?

Deep Relationship Questions About Having And Raising Children

1. Do you want to have children? If yes, how many? (If no, skip to the next section.)
2. Do you have any concerns regarding your ability to be a good parent?
3. How far would you be willing to go if there were fertility challenges?
4. Do you believe one parent has the primary responsibility of raising children?
5. Do you see any challenges in having a work-life balance?

Deep Relationship Questions About Emotional Mastery

1. 1. Are you aware of your emotional triggers?
   2. Do you tend to escalate or withdraw when upset? Or both?
   3. Do you shy away from conflict?
   4. If you could change one strategy for expressing your upset what would it be?
   5. How do you cope with stress and difficult situations, and what kind of support would you like from a partner?

The conversations that come from asking deep relationship questions won’t give you a guarantee you’ve found your person. Hypothetical situations and asking questions will give you some insight and understanding, however, a person’s self-awareness (or lack of self-awareness) is a key factor in determining how fruitful these conversations are.

Maintaining a long-term monogamous relationship requires a set of skills to navigate through challenges and conflict together. Did you know there’s a natural progression of phases that romantic relationships move through?

Knowing these relationship stages is the foundation for identifying a long-term match! We want you to have this crucial information, so download our special report, The 5 Stages of Relationship, so you’re no longer stuck repeating stages and wasting your valuable time with the wrong person.

How do I get what I want from my guy?

I’ve been in a relationship with a great guy for the last 8 months. He’s funny and nice and I know he is very loyal to me. We have so many things in common, including bigger life goals. I think I really love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

There is one thing that really kind of holds me back from making a deeper commitment with him (not that he’s asking for it yet). I have a lot of small doubts that add up because there are things I wish he did differently. I love to give gifts to him, but I rarely get any in return. He doesn’t compliment me very often. He doesn’t make plans and leaves that to me most of the time. There are more but I think you get the idea.

I don’t doubt that he loves me and is committed to me but I’m not sure how to get past all of these small things. Is he just selfish and unable to give me what I want? Should I force the issue and get him to step up? Is this just a compatibility issue and should I just move on?

I really don’t know what to do. My friends think I’m too demanding, but I’ve always believed that my guy would treat me a particular way, and I’m not sure if he is capable of doing that.

Please help.”

Dear Lena,

Thank you for your question and for being so vulnerable in asking it. It is very common to ask “How do I get what I want?” and wonder if the person you are dating is the right person for you long-term. Knowing what you want is important but knowing the difference between what you want and what you need is even more important.

Needs are not negotiable however, your wants are. As you stated, the things your boyfriend is not doing are all “small” things (your own words).

Do these things add up to spell out that he’s not a match for you? That is something that only you can answer for yourself. Let us see if we can help you in a different way… one that will allow you to find out the answer without any doubt.

How Do I Get What I Want? 5 Ways To Get What You Want From Your Partner

(or at very least know it’s time to move on):

1. Ask For What You Want

Your soulmate does not come with mind-reading powers (neither does any other human being). The right guy for you will not magically know how to please you.

One of the greatest frustrations in relationship comes from the unrealistic expectation that the “right person” will somehow know what you like and don’t like. He won’t.

Asking for what you want allows two things to happen:

• You get to find out if he wants to honor your request.
• You get to discover whether or not the two of you have shared values.

If you don’t speak up and ask him what you would like from him or what you would like him to do, you’ll never know if he is capable of delivering on your request.

For example, just because a guy doesn’t open the car door for you doesn’t mean he is opposed to doing it. Maybe he was raised in an environment where it wasn’t expected or even desired. Who knows?

But if you don’t ask you will never know if he wants to step up and be your man.

Let him know how much you enjoy receiving gifts. Share with him how you would feel if he made the plans and surprised you on a date. Ask him to tell you how he feels about you.

Most people give love the way they would like to receive it. You give him gifts because that’s what you like, but that doesn’t mean that he feels loved by you in the same way.

The old adage, “Treat people the way you would like to be treated,” doesn’t work to love someone deeply. In order to do that, you must treat your partner the way he wants to be treated.

Not all women want the same things. Each woman likes to be treated in a particular way and likes to be loved differently. A man who would like to be in a relationship with you wants to know how to win with you – how to win your heart. If you never tell him or ask him, he will assume you’re getting your needs and wants met by him as things currently are.

How do you get what you want? Speak up and make requests, you’ll learn so much about him from his response.

2. Communicate So He Can Hear Your Request

Now that you are getting on board with making requests, let’s dig into HOW to make them so that you’re heard and don’t appear like a nag or needy.

If you were to say something like, “Why don’t you give me more compliments? I really like getting compliments!” It’s likely to be met with some defensiveness and more than just a little resistance.

Instead, share with him how you would feel when he compliments you. “I feel cared for and confident when the man I’m dating gives me compliments. Is it possible for you to tell me something you like or appreciate about me that will light me up?”

Presenting your request alongside a feeling statement, letting him know how you would feel when/if he chooses to take a particular action, you will discover a lot about him by simply observing his response.

The best time for you to share your feelings and make a request is when you have his full attention. Do not attempt to do this if he’s watching his favorite sports team or washing his car.

Ultimately, by sharing your feelings and making requests you will show up in this relationship as the real authentic you.

We all want to be loved for who we really are, and yet on some level, we’re all scared to show up fully. Rest assured, if this guy is the right one for you then speaking with him this way will bring you closer together and your love for one another will grow even deeper.

How do you get what you want? Be authentic by sharing how you will feel when he delivers on your requests. This gives him the opportunity to love you in the way you want to be loved.

3. Observe his behavior without judgment.

Now that you’ve made your request in a way that doesn’t trigger him feeling like he’s doing it all wrong, you can sit back and notice if or how he adjusts.

It is important to remember that he may want to honor your request every time the opportunity presents itself, however, it is not a habit yet. It may take a period of adjustment for him to get into the groove. He may need some feedback and patience from you.

Also, keep in mind that effort counts. If he is making effort towards changing his behavior and honoring your request, he need not be perfect at it overnight.

A Possible Red Flag: If he agrees to your request but makes no effort whatsoever or seems to just forget that you made a request in the first place, then you will need to reevaluate the situation.

He may be absent-minded, or he may be passive-aggressive. Most women do not spell it out and tell a man what it is they want. That’s because most women are under the assumption that men want an easy-going woman – this is not necessarily true.

Men want to be with a woman who leaves them feeling good about themselves. When you ask for something that he can deliver (like opening the car door for you) his self-worth is raised because he knows how to please you.

Observing your partner’s response to your requests tells you everything you need to know about how he views the relationship. If he doesn’t want to step up for you it’s likely you’re in a relationship of convenience rather than of substance.

A Red Alert Red Flag: If he argues with you about your request and tries to convince you that you don’t really need what you are asking for, you’ll have all the information you need to know it’s time to move on.

The dating process is ultimately a selection process and it is important to cultivate discernment through the dating process so you can select an ideal match for you long-term.

A man who is not interested in finding out what you need and want from him is not a match for you.

A man who wants a relationship with you will make efforts to be the kind of man who is worthy of your heart.

How do you get what you want? Make requests and observe his response to see if he is capable of meeting your needs.

4. Acknowledge and appreciate him.

A man wants to be with a woman who lifts his self-esteem and self-worth so he feels good about himself. He wants to be your hero.

We find that generally, women are stingy with giving praise to their partner. In the first blush of dating, The Romance Phase, most women are more communicative and then stop as the relationship progresses.

The fuel a man runs on in relationship is acknowledgment and appreciation. Be sure to fill his tank and he will happily do his best to honor your requests. Then let him know how good you feel when he does step up for you and this will encourage him further.

Resist the urge to make assumptions about his behavior and ask him instead. This is the kind of communication that creates a lasting bond between the two of you.

Express gratitude when he does something that brings you joy. Appreciate his efforts and re-direct him if he misses the mark. Criticizing him will only remove any motivation for him to please you.

Acknowledging and appreciating your man lets him know that he can make you happy. This is what a man wants to know. He wants to know that he can make spark joy in you.

How do you get what you want? Acknowledge and appreciate your man and let him know how happy he makes you.

5. Do Less

Men tend to be efficient with their energy. If they see that someone else is taking care of a task, they will conserve their energy for something else. This is genetic as a man’s body only makes testosterone when he is relaxed and doing nothing.

As long as you are planning your dates and social events, he has no impetus to change or do anything differently. You can make a request that he make plans for the two of you, or you can do less and stop taking care of things to see if he will step up.

He will feel more confident and masculine when you do less and leave the space for him to do more. When he does, it’s up to you to acknowledge and appreciate his efforts (back to #4 above).

Resist the urge to micromanage how he fulfills his tasks. It’s very likely that he will not do things in the way, or in the order, that you would do them because he is a different person than you. He has his own way of doing things.

Steer clear of criticism as he begins to take new actions. He is a grown man, so let him figure it out. Just like the joke about men not asking for directions when they lose their way, they discover the route for themselves.

Men generally don’t reciprocate. He doesn’t feel motivated to give you gifts because you are giving them to him. He will feel motivated to give you a gift if you let him know how happy it would make you feel.

Feminine energy is a receptive energy – not passive (as commonly mistaken). The seat of a woman’s power is being able to receive. Open up to receive from him and you’ll find that you two are a team instead of in a tug-of-war.

How do you get what you want? Step back and give him space to take over the things that you want him to handle.

Practice These Steps And You’ll Discover The Answer You Are Looking For

If you follow these steps and if he is unable to give you what you want, then you have the answer to your question. You will find yourself in an unsatisfying relationship always wanting more and feeling like he doesn’t really love you. Instead of just wondering, “How do I get what I want?” take action and pay attention to your results.

However, a man who makes the effort to honor your requests and to please you is a man worth keeping. We have witnessed many relationships transform through the application of these concepts. Lasting love is ultimately a choice and choosing your partner day after day is the key.

Don’t waste your time with guys who aren’t ready for a relationship. Instead of hoping that he’ll change and become the man you want him to be, take a new approach and create the lasting love you desire and deserve. Download our special report, “7 Steps To Soulmating™.” You’ll receive our top dating strategies that have helped thousands to change their love patterns and finally create their soulmate relationship.

It’s been about 2 years since my ex and I split and I took some time to heal and look within before I started dating. Now that I’ve put myself out there I’m going on quite a few dates with different men.

There’s one guy in particular that I like, except he talks a lot. I can get around that, but he also interrupts me when I’m speaking. It seems I can’t even finish 2 sentences without him interrupting me. I don’t even get to finish my story or make my point even if I’m answering a question he has asked me.

I find him attractive and there are some really great qualities about him that I like. We connect on a few levels that are important to me. I can’t imagine having a relationship with him if he continues to interrupt me when I’m talking.

My mom interrupts me all the time and I’m aware that the reason it bothers me so much is because of her doing this my entire life.

Is there a tactful way for me to say something to him about it?

It seems that everyone has different advice about how to handle this type of thing and I’m really curious what you two think.

Thank you.”

Hi Debbi,

Thank you for reaching out! Yes, looking around for dating advice is like asking advice on anything – ask 20 people and you’ll get 20 different answers. When we’re coaching a client through the dating process, we continually place emphasis on being AUTHENTIC.

The desire to put your best foot forward on a date is a natural one especially when you find that person attractive. This can lead to you behaving in an inauthentic way in order to impress or feel desired by your date. We call this “Twisting Into A Pretzel” – What shape can I take so you’ll approve of me?

Your lovability and your approvability should never be in someone else’s hands. The person you’re dating is a stranger!

Loving and approving of yourself is essential to your being able to cultivate discernment through the dating process so you can create a crystal clear vision of the kind of relationship you want.

Most other dating coaches ask that you be clear on the kind of guy you want, focusing on qualities and characteristics of your ideal man. We are sorry to inform you, but that will not work to create long-lasting love. It will bring in a boyfriend, but not a Beloved.

Your Soulmate will love the things about you that all the others left you over!

In order to create the kind of relationship that you desire you’ll need a clear vision of that specific relationship for yourself. Included in that vision is the ability to navigate through difficulties together.

Don’t get stuck in the trap of believing that when you find your Soulmate you’ll never have conflicts or disagreements. There is no perfect person – that is a myth that will never allow you to create the love you want. Lasting love comes from being able to work through disagreements together, not from avoiding them.

Attempting to iron out all the bumps that you may encounter while dating someone is a big mistake. You’ll face challenges as a couple, just as you will as a single person moving through life. How the two of you navigate those challenges is the key to discovering the right match for you.

While being completely authentic can feel terrifying, we can assure you it is the fastest and easiest way to discover if the person you’re dating is worth moving forward with to discover more.

We are not suggesting you share your opinion of this guy, or in any way to be cruel. Many people mix up the idea of being honest with being authentic so we’d like to clear that up.

When you hear the phrase, “Let me be honest with you….,” we imagine that in your mind you’ll be buckling up for some bad news. This phrase is usually uttered by a person who is looking to share their opinion of you; nothing more, it’s just one person’s opinion.

When you choose to be authentic, it’s not about the other person – instead it’s all about you. Being authentic requires that you be vulnerable. It means that you’re willing to be unapologetically you.

So let’s dig in and give you some real tools to speak with this man so you can evaluate his response (which will give you the information you need to decide if you can continue to date him or not).

Here is our Speak How You Feel Template™:

I feel _______[emotion]________________.

When ______[context]_________________.

Can we please _________________[offer a joint solution]______________________.

or

Would you please ____________[make a direct request]______________________.

Mastering this template takes time, and no matter how hard you try we can assure you that there will be times that you mess it up. We know this because we teach it every day of the week and when emotions are heated we sometimes mess it up ourselves. Please be compassionate with yourself as you learn this new communication tool.

It’s important that you are willing to be authentic by speaking how you feel and also propose a joint solution, or make a direct request.

You might say something like this:

“I feel frustrated that I’m often interrupted when I’m speaking with you even when I’m directly answering a question that you’ve asked me. Can we please come up with something I can say so you know I’m done speaking and then I’d be delighted to listen?”

It can be tempting to add in information on how it is triggering for you because your Mom has been interrupting you your entire life, however that begins to enter the territory of justifying your feelings. Even if your Mom didn’t interrupt you, you do have a right to feel how you feel about his behavior – no justification necessary.

Your feelings are your feelings and the beauty of our template is that you don’t have to justify them. It is enough that you are authentic.

Authenticity holds a very high vibration. As an example for contrast, shame holds the lowest vibration of all emotions. When you are authentic and speak how you feel you are giving the other person an invitation to meet you at the high vibration of authenticity.

It’s like an invitation to a party. Some people will be able to attend; others won’t, while some may not be available in the moment and will circle back around to work it out with you later.

Discovering how someone responds to you when you share authentically is one of the most important revelations of the dating process. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to speak how you feel and then judge your success by the response you receive from the other person.

If you utilize our Speak How You Feel Template™ then you can simply evaluate the kind of person you are dealing with. How someone responds to your feelings and requests informs you about who they are and what they are capable of.

A person’s behavior informs you about them – nothing about you is included.

Unfortunately, many people date backwards giving a complete stranger the benefit of the doubt and ignoring red flags because there is attraction and chemistry.

Our suggestion is that you address issues as they arise rather than ignoring them or making rash decisions expecting that your date is a mind reader.

Becoming an excellent communicator will support you in every area of your life and in every single one of your relationships from family members, to your boss, co-workers, and of course your intimate ones.

The other huge benefit of implementing our advice with all of your dates is that you will discover quickly if the person you’re dating is looking for a relationship with you vs. any relationship, or just some convenient connection for intimacy.

A person who just wants things to be easy is not relationship ready.

There is no need to create conflicts or to seek them out. We’re suggesting that you bring up issues as they arise so you can do two things:

1. Practice being authentic with the Speak How You Feel Template™
2. Discover the person who wants to navigate through the challenges alongside you.

This tool becomes incredibly helpful as you enter into an exclusive committed relationship. We use the analogy of keeping a kitchen sink clean in our relationship.

You can think of the unspoken and unexpressed negative emotions about your partner as a dirty dish or utensil. As you continue to hold onto your feelings instead of expressing them, your emotional sink starts filling up with dirty dishes. This further hampers the desire to express yourself as it begins to feel like too much and creates emotional distance between you and your partner.

Instead, clean your sink as you go. Say to your partner, “I have a dirty fork I need to clean up,” as a way of letting him know that it’s not a big deal, you simply have something to share with him. This regular practice will help you feel emotionally connected to your partner for years and decades rather than growing apart.

Keeping the sink clean is a way of preventing the emotional blow-ups that happen when you don’t express yourself over time.

Most couples do this in the reverse: They each hold onto to the little things and nothing is expressed. As our emotions build it all becomes too much to hold back and the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back occurs and there is a huge argument about a bunch of things that individually were small nuisances.

The inevitable explosion becomes a further deterrent to speaking up in the future and the cycle starts all over again with the tiny things not being dealt with and the build to the giant eruption.

Dealing with all matters tiny to giant as they occur is the way to end this cycle. Your feelings count and matter and most of all your feelings are temporary. Speaking how you feel allows you to honor and value yourself.

When you create the habit of speaking up for yourself in this way it’s easier to date for your soulmate and find an ideal match that you can weather the storms of life with together.

Take time now to get comfortable with our Speak How You Feel Template™ when the stakes are low and you will develop a habit that will serve you over decades in a marriage.

Twisting into a pretzel is just one of the common mistakes people make that block them from connecting with their Beloved.