What if your divorce was actually one of the most profound things that you’ve experienced and that coming out the other side you’d be able to create a relationship that stands the test of time? Whether you’re still holding onto hope from your marriage or feeling hopeless about your prospects moving forward, you can forge a new path to a more fulfilling and lasting partnership.

The secret to finding love after divorce is using the end of your marriage as a powerful tool for learning and discovery.

The Gift Of Your Divorce: 9 Secrets About Finding Love After Divorce

1. It Is Perfectly Okay To Feel Like A Failure

You didn’t get married thinking that it wasn’t going to last. At the time you believed that person was your partner for life. That’s one of the reasons you got married in the first place.

It’s perfectly normal to feel like a failure when your marriage doesn’t work out. Whatever the circumstances that caused the two of you to call it quits it’s likely you believe that you did something to contribute to your divorce. Maybe you weren’t committed enough. Or you didn’t try hard enough. You missed seeing the obvious signs that something was wrong.

Whatever happened, you’re no longer the same person you were before you married, and you have to reconcile your hopes and dreams with this new reality.

Allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself. Take time to grieve and feel all your feelings. You may wonder if you’ll ever feel happy again. The only way out of these icky feelings is to go through them. Feeling bad is temporary and it’s part of the grieving process. Allow yourself to feel the full range of your emotions.

Finding love after divorce requires you to move through your feelings so you can release yourself from the guilt and shame that the marriage you had hoped would last didn’t.

2. Compassion And Forgiveness Are Your Friends

If you knew how to do things differently, you would have. You did your best with the resources you had at the time. Going through a divorce will change you and it’s up to you to ensure those changes make you a better person.

Being stuck in judgment about your divorce will only keep you connected to your ex. The only way to release judgment is to develop compassion for yourself — this is the first step toward forgiveness.

Forgiveness releases you energetically from the relationship. It requires a conscious choice to release your hurt, anger, and resentment, whether your partner deserves it or not. It doesn’t condone or excuse bad behavior (nor should you just forget what happened).

Forgiveness and compassion for yourself allow you to accept that you aren’t perfect, but that you’re perfectly human. Accepting yourself as you are opens the door to changing what no longer works for you moving forward.

Holding onto anger, resentment, and judgment keeps you stuck in the past and blocks you from finding love after divorce. When your heart breaks, it breaks open to hold more love. Compassion and forgiveness are your tools for expanding your heart so you can let love in again.

3. Your Struggles Make You Stronger

Anyone who lifts weights at the gym knows that without resistance you can’t build muscle. Maybe you’ve heard an entrepreneur’s success story of overcoming poverty growing up. Talk to anyone who has struggled with addiction, and they’ll tell you they’re a better person for overcoming their addiction and creating new coping skills.

Emotional strength and resilience come from overcoming difficulties. Courage comes from facing the issues in your life and not backing down or giving up.

Life will always have challenges and divorce is one of the greatest challenges you’ll go through. The internal strength you develop gives you the endurance to continue the search for an ideal life partner. Finding love after divorce requires that you learn and grow from your heartbreak.

4. Allow Pain To Motivate You

Discomfort can be a powerful motivator. No one begins a new exercise program because they already feel energized and strong. They’re motivated to make changes because of bad news in their latest blood work, or feeling sluggish and uncomfortable in their clothes.

Your divorce can motivate you in the same way. Finding love after divorce requires that you look closely at your patterns and strategies in love and make some upgrades. Use pain to motivate you to get it right next time.

Upgrading your dating strategies allows you to find love after divorce with a new partner that will last a lifetime.

5. Taking Responsibility For Your Half Gives You The Power To Change

You are not 100% responsible for your marriage ending. However, you are 100% responsible for your 50%. Whether you’re taking too much responsibility for what happened, or you’re blaming your partner, owning your half of the equation gives you the power to change for the better.

You aren’t responsible for someone else’s behavior, but you’re responsible for the choices you’ve made. Beware of justifying your behavior because your partner hurt you. Instead, take responsibility for all your behavior even if some of it was ugly.

If you’re having trouble knowing what’s yours and what belongs to your partner, use the responsibility equation. It goes like this:

“When someone has a problem with you, it’s their problem. When you have a problem with someone, it’s your problem.”

Own your stuff but don’t blame yourself for your partner’s failings. When you take responsibility for your behavior, finding love after divorce becomes a journey of growth and courage.

6. Discover What Your Marriage Can Teach You About Love

All your experiences in life can be valuable teachers because they can show you where you need to develop better skills or strategies. They reveal areas that require growth so you can become more emotionally mature or resilient. They also shine a light on areas in which you’ve already grown and become a better person, and therefore a better partner.

Examining your marriage and what you learned from it (or what you still need to learn) will move you forward on the path to the lasting love you desire. You’ll open up to feeling gratitude for your ex because without those experiences you wouldn’t have become the person you are today.

This is one of the most empowering steps you can take to finding love after divorce. It keeps you from feeling like a victim and empowers you to create meaning from the events that motivated you to change for the better.

It’s a natural human tendency to look back on past events and find patterns and meanings in those events. When you focus on learning and growing from those events, then you can never be a victim of your circumstances.

7. Get Clear On The Type Of Relationship You Want

By now, you’re probably clear on what you don’t want. You don’t want to repeat mistakes you’ve already made, however, this is not a good blueprint for manifesting a new relationship.

What you truly want is not the opposite of what you don’t want. Instead, create a vision of love and relationship that inspires you and brings you joy. Become crystal clear on the type of relationship you desire. This way you can deselect anyone that doesn’t fit your vision.

Focus on how the relationship functions and the dynamic you desire between the two of you. Don’t get caught up in unimportant details like physical appearance or common hobbies. Your heart doesn’t care about eye color, or whether they like the same books as you do.

Finding love after divorce requires that you use different criteria for selecting a partner.

Make sure the two of you can navigate through conflict together. Chemistry is required, but it shouldn’t be the most important factor. Just because the two of you have a lot of chemistry doesn’t mean that you’ll share the same values.

8. Approach Love And Dating In A Whole New Way

You’re not going to find a new dynamic in love by using the same strategies that lead you to select your ex. Dating after divorce is a different experience altogether because you’re no longer the same person.

You’ll want to become a student of love and upgrade your dating strategies. The best way to uplevel your strategies is to date a lot of different people. This also gives you the opportunity to practice your new relationship skills. Don’t dive in too quickly and never give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Use dating as a tool to discover where you still have room to grow and improve.

Slowing things down and dating more people will actually speed up the process of you finding a new love that can last. Take your time before jumping into exclusivity and get to know someone before making a deeper commitment.

If you rush to exclusivity, you’ll spend a lot of time in short-term relationships and feel like you have to start over again and again. Slow love doesn’t give you a guarantee, but you’ll be in a better position to select a long-term partner in a much shorter amount of time.

Utilize both your head and your heart when selecting a life partner and you’ll increase your chances of creating long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.

9. Remember That Love Is Always A Risk Worth Taking

Love requires you to take a risk. There are no guarantees, but utilizing these strategies to become better at love and relationship will pay off in all areas of your life. You’ll become more resilient to the challenges in life, and you’ll have clarity about what brings you happiness and how to create it.

Human beings are social creatures by nature. Your soul craves connection with a special person. Don’t let fear stop you from opening your heart and taking a risk on love. You can certainly be single and happy, but if you really want to thrive in life, you’ll want to share your life with the love of your life.

Finding love after divorce is possible for you. To make it last be sure to take the steps to heal your heart, learn from your past stumbles, and discover gratitude for your divorce. This way the divorce won’t be a failure, instead learning from your divorce and becoming a better person will be the greatest gift you’ve received.

If your goal is to share your life with the love of your life, but you still haven’t recovered from your divorce, or are unsure of your next steps to start dating again, we can help. Our process for healing your heart and finding your forever person is now available as a book: Getting It Right This Time: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love. We’ve helped thousands of clients around the globe with our unique Soulmating System™.

Before signing up for a divorced dating app, it’s best to make sure you’re truly ready to start dating again. In general, you’ll want to approach dating with an open heart and mind, but when it comes to online dating you’ll want to set realistic expectations and some ground rules for yourself. It’s important to have the right mindset so you don’t go into dating burnout.

Are You Ready To Start Dating Again?

Nobody gets married thinking they’ll end up divorced, so whether your split was embittered or amiable make sure you’ve taken time to heal. Before signing up for a divorced dating app evaluate your readiness to date again.

You don’t want to end up complaining about your ex while you’re on a date with someone new, so making sure you’re not carrying baggage into the dating process is important.

It’s normal to second guess your readiness and worry about being hurt again, or afraid you won’t find someone who is right for you. These feelings are common, but they aren’t helpful because they can make signing up for a divorced dating app and creating a profile seem daunting.

Not everyone on a divorced dating app is looking to find a life partner. Be brutally honest with yourself so you’re clear about your motives and what your current goals are. It’s okay to just be curious and go on some dates for fun and get your feet wet. It’s also all right if you know you’re ready to find the love of your life. Having a clear goal will help you set your expectations for the world of online dating.

Are You Intimidated By Divorced Dating Apps?

There are many reasons you can feel hesitant to sign up for a dating app, it’s possible that feeling unsure or anxious may be excitement in disguise. Don’t sabotage yourself by letting your fears keep you from the best tool available to meet new people and go on dates.

1. Fear Of Putting Yourself Out There

Creating a profile on a divorced dating app can leave you feeling apathetic, exposed, or insecure. You may feel frustrated that you haven’t met someone in real life. Posting photos, showcasing your interests, and personal information may feel risky and vulnerable.

Don’t put your lovability in the hands of a stranger— your self-worth and value aren’t determined by people who haven’t even met you. Instead, focus on your goal whether that’s finding your soulmate, or simply looking for companionship.

Sharing your life with someone requires risk at all stages and creating your profile on a divorced dating app may be the first hot door you walk through on this journey. Being vulnerable leaves you in a position to creating meaningful connections, so embrace your courage and put yourself out there!

2. Overwhelmed By Options

Dating apps can often present an overwhelming number of potential matches. Sorting through numerous profiles, evaluating compatibility, and making decisions can feel formidable, especially if you fear making the wrong choice.

Ease into the dating pool by setting achievable goals. Begin with simple interactions, gradually increasing your level of engagement and comfort. It’s important to stand in your power by setting your own pace for how quickly you reply, whether you require a video chat or not, and how many interactions you’re comfortable with. Don’t let anyone pressure you into moving too quickly.

Keep a short list of non-negotiables. You’re not going to meet your soulmate in a profile, so make it a priority to meet as many people as you can. Look for reasons to say “Yes!” instead of looking for reasons to reject someone.

3. Fear Of Being Judged

Divorced dating apps only allow for limited information such as profile pictures and short bios. This focus on physical appearance can leave you afraid of being judged solely on your appearance.

The harshest judgment is actually your own, so practice compassion with yourself. You’re learning something new, and it may take time to get it right. Your online profile is marketing material. You’ll want to be authentic, but you can also make the best of what you’ve got. Remember, your eyes are windows into your soul. If someone isn’t into you, it just means they aren’t your person. Keep in mind that ultimately you only need one.

4. Fear Of Rejection

You can feel afraid of being ignored or rejected when you put yourself out there. Sending messages, expressing interest, or initiating conversations can all lead to rejection.

Don’t let your fear get in the way of you taking action and reaching out to possible matches. You can’t meet with someone you don’t interact with. Someone’s behavior informs you about who they are and what they are capable of. Their behavior is not personal. Ultimately, each person who passes on you brings you closer to meeting your match.

5. Fear Of Fake Profiles And Scams

Divorced dating apps can leave you feeling skeptical and frustrated. It’s easy to wonder about the legitimacy of profiles and what their intentions are. Your concerns about people being dishonest and misrepresenting themselves can get in the way of participating fully. Never invest emotionally with someone you’ve never met.

Nothing is real until you’ve met them in person — nothing. You can’t be scammed if you don’t give your heart or your money to a stranger you’ve never met. Don’t be fooled by Zoom chemistry! You’ll have to meet face-to-face to know if the connection is real or imagined. Don’t fall for someone “love bombing” you. If they’re professing love and desire for you via the app – it’s a scam.

6. Comparing Yourself To Others

Seeing other attractive profiles or individuals who appear to have more success can trigger self-doubt and affect your self-esteem. You may find yourself questioning why someone would want to go out with you.

Remember, there’s a lid for every pot. Physical attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. Your journey to love will be unique to you, so if you’re feeling marred with self-doubt, it might be time to get help from an expert.

7. Communication Challenges

Unfortunately, communicating via text in the app leaves much to be desired and numerous opportunities for misunderstanding. Without non-verbal cues like tone of voice and facial expression, it’s easy to misinterpret each other and not move forward.

Once you get past the initial connection, text communication is best for logistical reasons. Save emotional conversations (and flirting) for the phone, video chat, or in person. Do your best not to assign intent with text-only communication. If you’re unsure of what someone means — ask them.

By recognizing your concerns and fears with divorce dating apps you can take the necessary steps to address them, such as setting boundaries, managing expectations, and prioritizing self-care. You’ll want to navigate through the dating process with confidence. Rather than faking it, proceed with caution and get support. Confidence grows at the speed of safety, so listen to your gut and honor your instincts.

The biggest issue with divorced dating apps is that people get frustrated with the app when the real problem is that most people don’t learn how to use them. A dating app is just a tool to get dates in real life. If you accidentally hurt yourself using a chainsaw, you wouldn’t blame the chainsaw. Rather than allow frustration to guide your actions follow these tips for getting the results you desire from a divorced dating app.

9 Tips To Create The Best Profile On Any Divorced Dating App

Follow these steps to create an irresistible profile.

1. Be Authentic About Your Positive Traits

You may think it goes without saying, but the impulse to share all your faults as well as your positive traits right away trips up many people. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to share your shortcomings after you’re dating someone exclusively. Let your freak flag fly so your beloved can find you by sharing your genuine interests, goals, and desires. By being real, you attract those who resonate with the real authentic you.

2. Avoid Lists Whenever Possible

There is nothing less interesting or engaging than a list of things you prefer and enjoy. Instead, share a short 2-3 sentence story about one of your interests. Simply let someone know why it’s important to you and what inspires you. This will engage potential matches who will get a glimpse of what makes you tick. It will also make your profile stand out from the rest. When you paint a picture of your life, a potential match will either see themselves in that vision with you or not. A good profile will be a turn-off for those who are not a good match for you.

3. Don’t Mention Your Ex

The only thing you need to do to indicate that you’re divorced is to check the box on relationship status. There’s no need to mention that your divorce was just final after three years of divorce court, that your ex cheated on you, or that they were/are a bad parent. You don’t want to go into detail about why it ended or explain anything. That’s for another time after you’ve gotten to know each other. Never mention money problems or job issues either, and instead, place emphasis on everything that’s positive in your life.

4. Show Off Your Best Self

All your profile photos must have been taken within the past 6 months (unless you recently changed your hairstyle or color). They need to look like you do when you fix your hair and apply your own makeup. Don’t include photos wearing sunglasses or with other people (unless it’s important about your life and it’s obvious which person you are). Smile and let your confidence shine through your eyes.

Photo-taking tip: Laugh a bit and then have the photographer snap the photos. You can even fake laugh because your brain will still release those feel-good endorphins.

Your main profile photo should be a close-up of your face, also known as a “headshot,” and include at least one full body shot. Bright colors are always a good look. Avoid selfies and splurge for a photo shoot if you’re so inclined. You should have 3-5 different photos on your profile. Remember, your photos are your first impression, so get comfortable in front of the camera so you shine!

5. Date The Way You Want To Mate

Transparency is key in any relationship, so be upfront about your dating goals and what you’re seeking. Whether you’re looking for a serious commitment or taking things slow, make your intentions known. This helps attract like-minded individuals who are aligned with your relationship desires.

6. Focus On The Positive

Leave all negativity out of your profile and use positive language throughout by expressing optimism and enthusiasm for the future. Positivity is contagious and attractive to potential matches.

Don’t share what you do not want in a partner. Putting too much emphasis on what you don’t want (i.e. Cheaters need not apply!), you come across as angry and bitter.

7. Ask Questions To Engage Potential Matches

Ask a simple question in your profile to give your potential date an icebreaker. It’s an easy way to get them to respond to you. Add it to the end of your short story about one of your interests or about what you’re looking for. Asking a question also makes you appear accessible and curious. Curiosity is always attractive.

8. Share Your Vision

Know what you’re looking for in a partner and don’t be afraid to express it. Mention shared interests, values, and qualities that you find important. By being clear about your preferences, you invite individuals who align with your vision of a fulfilling relationship. Share your vision for the future and invite someone to join you who can see themselves in the lifestyle you’ve put on the page.

9. Your Profile Is Marketing Material

Most people rush through creating a profile and then never look at it again. Your profile is marketing material so don’t skimp on your messaging. Have fun with your screen name. See if you can come up with something that is engaging and reflective of your personality.

If your marketing (i.e. your profile) isn’t getting you the results you want, make changes. The more you regularly update your profile, the more the app will feature you. It’s like shuffling your profile to the top of the deck, so even when it’s working for you still make small changes weekly.

Your online profile on a divorced dating app is your opportunity to shine a light on your unique special self. Have fun with it, and don’t take anything personally.

Ultimately, the profile is just the beginning of your dating journey. Be active on a divorced dating app regularly, be open to conversations, and approach dating after divorce with an open heart. An authentic and appealing profile increases your chances of finding a meaningful connection with someone who appreciates you for who you are today.

Dating after divorce doesn’t have to be hard, you can learn from the past and create a love that lasts. It’s what you don’t know that might be the issue…Our book, Getting It Right This Time: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Love is a
step-by-step guide to heal your blocks to love so you can finally bring in your beloved. Order your copy today.

What you learned from your marriage and divorce makes you ready to do things differently when it comes to love and dating. You’re no longer naïve about life and love and can be more discerning through the dating process so you’ll choose more wisely this time.

This is a huge advantage to meeting your soulmate because you’re not expecting love to happen by accident and have learned that lasting love requires both people to make an effort.

The secret to meeting your soulmate after divorce is using the end of your marriage as a powerful tool for learning and discovery. Just because you didn’t get it right the first time doesn’t mean that you can’t get love right the next time.

Why Dating After Divorce Is An Advantage To Meeting Your Soulmate

1. Your Expectations Are Realistic

No one gets married thinking it won’t last. The hope of what could be turned out not to be, and you’ve come out the other side. This experience can be a great motivator to do things differently this time.

When you’ve been married before, you’ve released the fantasy that love will just magically work out without any effort. You’ve figured out that your partner doesn’t come with mind-reading powers (and meeting your soulmate won’t change that).

This is a golden opportunity to learn how to select an ideal partner — a soulmate. Your soulmate is the person that gets you, chooses you and is willing to go through life’s challenges alongside you because you both know that you’re better together than apart.

Releasing unrealistic expectations is the key to sharing your life with another person. Hopefully you’re no longer holding onto the expectation that your partner will complete you. Even with your soulmate, you’ll have miscommunication, disagreements, and even fight sometimes. That’s because your soulmate is a completely different person than you with their unique experiences, strategies for dealing with stress, beliefs, and desires. Your soulmate will not complete you, but they will complement you.

Realistic expectations are the gateway to showing up as your authentic self. Now that you’re no longer holding onto the idea that love will just magically happen with a mythical “right” person, you can start evaluating what you would like to do differently so you end up meeting your soulmate — your forever person.

2. You Get A Fresh Start

Going through a divorce is difficult but now that you’re ready to date again, you have a fresh start. This means that you don’t have to put up with any crap. You get to make the rules for how you want to approach love and no one else gets to dictate to you what is important to you. You can start dating with purpose and this will serve you on the path to meeting your soulmate.

Ultimately, there’s a lid for every pot. When you let your freak flag fly your soulmate can find you. Love requires risk, and when you’re on the other side of a divorce and looking for lasting love, you can more easily risk by sharing your dreams and desires upfront.

Those who aren’t interested in the real authentic you will scamper off leaving only those who are truly interested in a relationship with you. Approach dating this way and the cream will rise to the top — and you’re only going to invest your heart when you’ve found the creamiest match.

3. You Are More Resilient

Overcoming difficulties helps you grow stronger. Resistance creates resilience. The fact that you’re interested in meeting your soulmate after divorce means you’ve developed a resilient heart.

Emotional strength and resilience come from facing difficult experiences and overcoming them. You’ve gained courage and strength by facing the difficult issues in your life.

Life will always have challenges and divorce is one of the greatest relationship challenges you’ll go through. The internal strength you’ve cultivated gives you the endurance to keep moving toward your goal.

You’ve developed love resiliency because you’ve learned that you can bounce back from heartbreak. Plus developing resilience gives you the fuel to keep hope alive and to continue dating until meeting your soulmate.

4. You’re Clear On What You Do Not Want

Most people aren’t motivated to create more joy in their lives. Instead, they’re motivated to avoid emotional pain. Post-divorce you can use this to your advantage to meeting your soulmate.

Through your divorce, you’ve become crystal clear on the type of relationship you do not want. Use this clarity to quickly move on when it’s apparent someone is not an ideal match for you.

Instead of wasting time to see if someone will change and become the person you want, you’ve learned that people show you who they really are. This makes it easy for you to spot someone who’s not a match.

Knowing who to deselect through the dating process is just as important as knowing who to select. On the journey to meeting your soulmate, use your desire to make better choices as motivation for creating a new dynamic in your romantic relationships.

5. You Can Take Responsibility For Your Part

A marriage lasting or failing requires both people’s participation. The hard part is not getting stuck in either blame or guilt. Pointing the finger of blame or taking too much responsibility will only keep you stuck in the past and lingering on what was, instead of meeting your soulmate and starting anew.

You are not 100% responsible for your marriage ending. However, you are 100% responsible for your 50%. Read that again because most of our clients take too much responsibility and going into sacrifice will never allow you to create the lasting love you desire.

Draw a clear boundary so you’re clear on what is your responsibility and what’s not. Keep your side of the street clean by owning your behavior. Stay on your side of the street by not blaming yourself for your ex’s behavior. This way you can focus on what you did or didn’t do to make the marriage work and have a strategy for doing things differently next time.

Own your stuff, but don’t blame yourself for your partner’s failings. Taking responsibility for what truly belongs on your side of the street brings you clarity and can set you free to meet your soulmate.

6. You’re Ready To Upgrade Your Dating Skills

Dating hasn’t changed, but the tools used to meet people constantly evolve. It can feel intimidating and a bit overwhelming looking through the newest technological options.

Online dating, dating apps, and other technologies are just tools for meeting people. You can try to avoid the apps and hope that you accidentally bump into to love of your life at Starbucks, or you can invest a little bit of time to educate yourself on using these new tools properly.

Also, the dating strategies you used to meet your ex aren’t going to work if you want to meet your soulmate. There’s no point in dating like a teenager, so rather than expecting that meeting your soulmate will happen by accident plan to upgrade your dating strategies even before you go out on one date.

Then through the dating process, you can discover about yourself and practice new communication skills. Just like learning anything new – practice, practice, practice. The dating arena gives you plenty of opportunities.

Slowing things down and dating more people speeds up the process of meeting your soulmate. Never give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Take your time before jumping into exclusivity and get to know someone before making a commitment.

7. You Can Create A New Vision For Love

You know you don’t want to repeat your mistakes, but are you aware of what would bring joy to your life? Your ideal relationship isn’t the opposite of what you don’t want.

Create a vision of your soulmate relationship that excites you and motivates you to start dating again. Get clear on the dynamic you desire between the two of you.

Don’t get caught up in unimportant details like height or hobbies. Your heart doesn’t care what color someone’s eyes are or whether they like the same movies you do.

The important thing is to find someone who values the same things as you do. When you share the same values as your partner you can overcome any challenge that comes your way. Moving past your divorce and meeting your soulmate requires that you have a clear vision of the relationship you desire, and whether you can navigate conflict to create a deeper connection.

Chemistry is required, but it shouldn’t be the most important factor. Just because the two of you are hot for each other doesn’t mean you share the same values.

Your vision for love becomes your guide as you navigate dating and the beginning of a new relationship. Your head and your heart must both be satisfied. Meeting your soulmate requires that you practice discernment and choose wisely.

8. You’re Ready To Risk Your Heart Again

Love doesn’t come with guarantees. None of these steps will protect you from ever being hurt again. But they will give you the tools to keep moving forward into healthier, more loving relationships along the way.

Cynicism and fear are your enemies when it comes to love. They keep your heart closed and prevent anyone from connecting with you. Don’t let fear stop you from opening your heart and taking a risk on love. The biggest risk you can take is to feel hopeful about meeting your soulmate. Hope is the door that opens your heart to love again.

You’re not meant to spend your life alone. Your soul craves connection with a special person. You can certainly be single and happy, but if you want to thrive in life, you’ll want to share your life with the love of your life.

Use your past experiences to become better at your relationships in the present. Sex and procreation are instinctual but long-term monogamous relationships aren’t. They require skills that you weren’t born with, and, likely, your parents didn’t model healthy relationships for you.

With a little effort, you can overcome your past heartbreaks and develop new relationship skills. When you mine your past disappointments to discover the gold that lies within, you may find that your split with your ex was the greatest advantage you could have received for meeting your soulmate.

Are you ready to move on from your divorce and focus on meeting your soulmate but don’t know where to begin? Join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. We’ll help craft your custom plan for meeting your soulmate and put you on the path to the long-lasting you’re looking for.

It’s normal to feel apprehensive about getting back into the dating world. If you’re feeling nervous you can reframe that energy as excitement, or that it simply means you’re invested in sharing your life with someone. It’s okay to care about finding a life partner!

Don’t overthink it and set your mind to just have some fun to start. Taking a few common-sense precautions and having a new approach to dating can make your first date after divorce easy and enjoyable.

9 Powerful Reminders For Your First Date After Divorce

1. Make Sure You’re Dating For The Right Reasons

Dating should be fun. The goal is to meet new people and have new experiences. Dating can stretch you out of your comfort zone and expand your horizons, both are good for you!

Your first date after divorce isn’t going to change your life. Don’t look for validation of your worthiness or lovability. Starting to date again isn’t a solution to feeling lonely or fragile from your divorce.

If you’re still hurting or angry from the split take time to heal your heart and rebuild your self-esteem. Put off dating until you feel grounded and positive. Dating isn’t the solution to feeling better about yourself or healing your heart. The goal is to feel good on your own first, then start looking for your first date after divorce.

Having your first date after to divorce too quickly can hinder your feelings of self-worth, so make sure you’ve already taken time to process and heal before going out to have fun dating. Plus, your dating will be more fruitful this way and a lot more fun.

2. You Get To Make A Fresh Start

Whether you want to reinvent yourself or just change things up in your love life, your first date after divorce is an opportunity to make a fresh start. Resolve to not bring your baggage from the past with you on this new journey.

You may discover your tastes have changed. This is your chance to explore and discover people who are outside of your usual type. You can also reinvent yourself because you owe nothing to a stranger that you’re meeting for the first time. There’s no need to overshare or tell your life story. You can experiment with how you decide to show up.

Just like moving to a new town or starting a new job, returning to the dating world can be an exciting experience to learn about yourself and stretch outside your comfort zone.

No matter what happens on your first date after divorce it’s more important to discover about yourself than it is about the other person. Don’t take it too seriously or put any expectations on it. Otherwise, you could be setting yourself up for disappointment and dating burnout before you really get started.

3. Learn New Tools For Dating

Rather than rules it’s most important for you to have tools. There’s no one set of dating rules for everyone, plus you are your own authority. Dating itself hasn’t changed much, but the tools used to meet people are constantly changing. It can feel intimidating and a bit overwhelming to explore the newest technological options.

Dating apps are just tools for meeting people in real life. More people meet their significant other on a dating app than any other way!

Trying to avoid online dating is like looking for a job without using a job search site like Monster or Indeed. Technology is a tool that can work for you, not against you. Invest a little bit of time to educate yourself using dating apps properly (just like with any new fancy tool you purchase, you’d look through the owner’s manual).

Your chance of getting dates online and meeting people who are interested in a relationship go up exponentially by being on dating apps. These tools were created to bring single people together — that’s their sole purpose!

We’ve walked down the halls of the corporate offices of Match.com and eHarmony to see their walls lined with photos of successful matches. Literally tens of thousands of happy couples, engagements, and weddings, it’s truly inspiring.

Just because most people don’t spend any time learning how to use dating apps properly doesn’t mean you should repeat their mistakes or take on your friend’s bad experience as your own.

Even your own past experience shouldn’t cloud your future potential to have success finding love online. If you got food poisoning at a restaurant would you never go out to eat again?

4. Create Your Unique Rules For Dating

It’s up to you to set the pace of the dating process. You’re in charge of how much interaction via text, email, or telephone you need to have before you feel comfortable meeting in person.

Some people are at ease meeting in person right away, while others need some assurance before they’re comfortable taking that step. Make sure you know your needs before you get online and start interacting.

Maybe you want to see if someone can string a few interesting sentences together via text, or maybe you are curious about the sound of his voice. Is it important that you see each other on a video chat, or are you cool just to meet in person first?

These are your rules; you get to decide what you’re comfortable with, and how you want to approach your first date after divorce. The key is to set up your rules so you feel comfortable and confident about your approach. Don’t let someone pressure you into a situation that you’re not comfortable with.

Always make the first date after divorce in a public place and never go to a second location with someone the first time you meet. Leave them wanting more.

5. Don’t Look For Your Soulmate In A Profile

It’s easy to get hung up on finding someone who’s a perfect match for you by looking for clues in their online profile. Creating a strict set of rules about what someone writes about themselves isn’t going to prevent you from wasting your time with the wrong person. Besides if you approach dating with the right mindset, very few experiences will be a waste of your time.

Most people don’t know how to write an effective online dating profile. They likely didn’t study photography and therefore don’t know how to take a good picture.

Don’t waste your time on Google or Facebook screening potential dates like you’re a detective. Ultimately, you won’t identify an ideal match through a dating profile, you’ll need to embrace the dating process and discover the fun of meeting new people.

Before scrolling through an app get in a good mood, play some music or dance around your living room. Most importantly look for reasons to say, “Yes,” and with a mindset of curiosity start browsing.

Release the unrealistic expectation that your first date after divorce will be with “The One.” You’re just looking to have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine with someone — that’s it.

6. Keep Your First Date Short And Sweet

Your first date is more accurately just a first meet. Planning something elaborate and romantic before you know the person will set you up for disappointment. Ultimately, it’s just a date. You’re not committing to anything by agreeing to meet up for coffee or a cocktail.

Keep your first meeting to about an hour. Use this time to see if you have anything in common and discover if there’s any attraction between the two of you. Be open and curious and do your best to show up authentically.

Make plans for yourself after your date so you avoid extending the date past ninety minutes. If he’s interested in you, he’ll ask you out for another date. He may wait a day or two to ask you out again, so don’t be surprised if you part from that first meeting not sure where he stands.

It’s perfectly acceptable for you to reach out afterward to express gratitude and that you had a nice time. A good man who wants a relationship will need to know the water is warm. If you’re interested in seeing him again make sure you’re not too aloof or cool.

Many men don’t want to be macho or too forward. Give them encouragement, it’s a risk to ask you out (especially if he finds you attractive).

7. Stay Present And Avoid Futurizing

On your first date after divorce you may find you have a strong connection right off the bat. Avoid the urge to attach any meaning to your experience. Stay present to your feelings and your inner dialog and you may discover something about yourself in the process.

Fantasizing about the future will only set you up for disappointment. Riding the roller coaster of hope and disappointment is the quickest way to dating burnout. You’ll want to practice S L O W  L O V E ! If you’ve met your soulmate you’ll have the rest of your lives together so there’s no need to rush.

The biggest mistake people make is to rush to exclusivity. Take your time and be sure you’re dating like a grown-up. It takes more than sexual chemistry for love to last.

Also, if things go poorly it doesn’t mean you’re doomed and you’re destined to be alone.

Your first date after divorce is the first step in the journey of finding love again. You may have a few twists and turns along the way. Stay present, grounded, and hopeful to increase your chance for success.

8. Be Curious

It’s easy to get frustrated with dating if you have a critical and judgmental mindset. You’ll meet people who have different approaches to love and dating, and some of them may clash with yours. For your first date after divorce don’t take anything too seriously, the goal is to have fun.

If you know you have a loud critic inside of you do your best to cultivate curiosity instead.

This will keep your focus off yourself and on getting to know someone new. Plus, curiosity is attractive. Everyone likes to spend time with a person who’s interested in getting to know them.

You might meet someone completely wrong for you or be on the receiving end of someone behaving badly. Instead of taking it personally and letting it dampen your spirits, stay curious about yourself and manage your mindset. Maybe you’ll even find compassion for someone who’s still struggling with their search for love.

Approach your first date after divorce with a curious mindset and you’ll be sure to have a positive experience.

9. Focus On The Positive

Many people like to bond over negative experiences, especially when it comes to online dating. You’ve likely heard the phrase: Misery loves company. It’s easy to fall into the trap of sharing about your divorce or past dating disasters.

Your first date after divorce isn’t an opportunity to trash your ex with a stranger or to share how badly you screwed things up. Keep any information about your divorce or your ex to a minimum on your first date. If the two of you hit it off and things become more serious over time, you’ll have plenty of opportunities to share about the past.

Stay focused on the positive and see if you can redirect your date when possible. Bonding over wounds is not an ideal connection, It’s much better to connect over dreams and goals through the dating process to evaluate a long-term match.

10. Don’t Get Hung Up On Chemistry

You may feel a lot of chemistry on your first date, or you may not feel any at all. Either way it doesn’t mean anything. Just because you feel chemistry doesn’t mean you’ve met your soulmate. Just because you don’t, doesn’t mean that you won’t ever find love again.

Chemistry is just one ingredient of a healthy relationship. It is not the most important thing you’re looking for to make love last.

Your first date after divorce is an opportunity to get your feet wet and start dating again — that’s all! Let go of expectations and allow yourself to be present in the moment and enjoy yourself. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to hone your dating skills.

11. Be Prepared To Feel Mixed Emotions

You got married thinking that it would last and certainly didn’t expect to be single again. Starting to date after divorce is the beginning of a new chapter in your life. You may feel a lot of mixed feelings about the experience and that’s okay.

Whatever you feel is appropriate. Allow yourself the experience of dating again and let yourself feel all your feelings about it, whatever they may be. The more you get out there, the more confident you’ll feel in your ability to create the kind of relationship you’re looking for.

Instead of stressing about your first date after divorce, keep things light and fun. Then you can feel good about taking your first step back into the dating world. You can embrace this new chapter in your life and feel energized by the opportunities coming your way.

Are you worried that your picker is broken? Maybe you’re not sure if you want to risk your heart again? Do you worry that lasting love just isn’t in the cards for you? If you’re ready to uplevel your dating to get results join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. We’ll help you create an action plan for the lasting love you desire and deserve.

Your desire to move on from your ex may cloud your judgment, and the last thing you want to do is repeat past mistakes. It’s important to invest some time and energy into healing your heart, process any guilt or regret, and create a new relationship with yourself.

One of the lesser-known stages of grief is anxiety and going through a divorce is a process. Allow time for you to move through all the emotions that this life change can bring up (it won’t be a linear process).

Dating after divorce doesn’t have to mean that you’re ready to find another life partner, you can start dating as a fun social exercise, practice meeting new people, or refine your conversation and communication skills. You may find that your preferences have changed and going through this stage of dating after divorce is simply to ease your way back into the dating pool.

Once you’re ready for a new romantic relationship, you’ll want to take a more conscious approach to choosing a significant other. Don’t leave this important decision to chance again.

This complete guide to dating after divorce is intended to give you the tools and resources to take advantage of your hard-won wisdom so you don’t find yourself selecting the same kind of person again.

Why Do You Want To Date Again?

Having a clear “Why” is the first step to dating after divorce. Are you feeling lonely and want some companionship? Looking to get some affection that you’ve been lacking in your life? Are you uncomfortable on your own after being partnered for a long time? Are you emotionally ready to start dating again?

There are many reasons people start dating after divorce and not all of them are about finding a lifelong partner. Creating a goal (even if it seems frivolous) will give you some guardrails and purpose rather than expecting to just stumble along and end up in a better place.

Love requires risk, there’s no way around it. Knowing why you want to start dating again will reduce the likelihood of repeating your past.

Is Your Heart Ready To Move On?

Divorce can cause emotional scars and if you’re still feeling angry or hurt about your divorce it’ll have a negative effect on your dating life (especially if you’re looking for a long-term relationship).

Whether or not you initiated the divorce you’ll still need time to grieve and heal your heart. Time is your best friend through the grieving process so don’t rush this crucial episode in your life.

The most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one with yourself, and all the time and effort you put into having a solid foundation with yourself will pay off in the dating process and every part of your life. You don’t have to be included in the cliché of carrying around emotional baggage from your divorce — that’s optional.

Evaluating the status of your heart is something only you can do, and few people take the time to know themselves. It may be hard to look in the mirror and to feel all your feelings, but it’s much better to do this on your own than to end up in another relationship that doesn’t work out.

The stats are clear: 48% of first marriages end in divorce. By third marriages that percentage skyrockets to 75%! You won’t get better at creating long-lasting love just by switching out your ex for someone new.

Can You Learn & Grow From Your Divorce?

Moving on from your divorce is much easier when you’ve mined the relationship for golden nuggets of learning. Feelings of regret, anger, and sadness are a normal part of the divorce process, but if you’re still harboring negative feelings years later they can hold you back from growing into a better version of yourself.

You need to find compassion and forgiveness for yourself as well as your ex. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone bad behavior, or that you need to be chummy with your ex because forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness is your ticket to moving on to a better life.

Buy yourself a journal book and spend some time free writing about your divorce experience. Then go through our forgiveness process, the Golden Nugget of Learning, to put the past behind you.

Energetically disconnecting from your ex is a crucial step to free your heart and for dating after divorce. Your true desires are not the opposite of what you don’t want, and it’s impossible to manifest from lack.

Get Help If You Can’t Do It On Your Own

Sometimes divorce is so hurtful or upsetting that you can’t get past it on your own. Getting help to heal your heart and avoid becoming bitter about love is not a sign of weakness, it’s one of the most important things you can do for yourself.

Don’t try to muscle through it on your own, if you find yourself avoiding your feelings or if you feel depressed then get professional support and guidance to facilitate your emotional healing.

Heal your heart before starting to date after divorce, even if you’re just looking to have fun. Healing does not have a straight trajectory, so having someone guide you through the ups and downs will prepare you for life after divorce quickly and effectively.

Have Some Fun Before Getting Serious

Rather than searching for “The One,” date casually for a while and have some fun before getting into another serious relationship.

You may want to sow your oats! There’s nothing wrong with having sex with no strings attached as long as you communicate your desires, and the other person agrees they want the same thing. Don’t make assumptions about what their expectations might be.

Having clear intentions and communication with people you’re dating is essential to keep your heart karma clean. Treat everyone respectfully by being open and upfront with your desires even if you’re just interested in a fling or a hook-up.

If you ultimately want to find another person to settle down with we encourage you to not set that intention shortly after a divorce. Dating is a process and the biggest mistake people make is rushing into exclusivity. Instead, take your time and embrace slow love.

Get Clear On What You Really Want

Most people dating after divorce are clear on what they don’t want. If their ex was an addict, they want someone sober, if their ex cheated they want someone faithful, if their ex was emotionally distant they want someone who is emotionally demonstrative.

What you want is not the opposite of what you don’t want. It makes sense that due to heartbreak and disappointment, you don’t want to end up with the same kind of person again but knowing what you don’t want doesn’t bring you closer to having the long-lasting love you desire.

Creating a clear vision of your ideal relationship BEFORE you start dating seriously allows you to evaluate potential matches.

Upgrade Your Dating Skills

Dating when you are young is relatively easy. There are plenty of single people your age and it’s much easier to be social in your 20’s. As you get older, you have more responsibilities and a busier life. (You may have children or elderly parents to take care of.)

It may be more difficult to make dating a priority after divorce. Your busier life may increase your desire to rush to exclusivity with the first person who excites you.

If you leave your love life to chance you’re likely to repeat the same patterns that lead to your divorce. You don’t want to be dating like a teenager anymore.

Every person will revert to old strategies if there’s no effort to create an internal shift. Your old dating strategies won’t take you to a new place with a different person. Plus, updating your strategies makes use of the learning you’ve gained through your life experiences.

Embrace Dating In The Digital Age

Dating apps, speed dating, and social media groups are all tools for meeting new people. Learn to use these tools so you know how they function.

Most people quickly create their profile and then never look at it again. Writing your profile isn’t a necessary evil; think of it as your marketing material. If you’re not getting the results you desire you’ll have to make changes to your marketing.

If you’re averse to using dating apps you’re not making use of the best tool to get dates in real life. An unemployed person who isn’t using LinkedIn or Indeed isn’t seriously looking for employment. Living in a bustling metropolis you might be able to get away with not dating online, but for most people, it’s an effective way to meet someone that you wouldn’t bump into in your part of town.

Ideally, you’ll want a great photo that shows off your best smile and doesn’t hide behind sunglasses. Your photos should only have you in them, avoid the group shots.

Most importantly don’t invest in anyone emotionally until you’ve met in person several times. Dating after divorce doesn’t have to be a chore. Have fun sharing who you’ve become and be comfortable with your relationship status — divorce doesn’t carry the stigma it used to.

Be Curious, You’re Tastes May Have Changed

Don’t get hung up on your type or just dating people who meet very specific criteria. Date different kinds of people, some that you find attractive and some that you don’t.

Chemistry is a requirement for a relationship, but it’s not for a date. Be curious about who you’re meeting – curiosity is an attractive quality.

Remember every person you meet knows other people you haven’t met yet. You never know how you’ll meet your soulmate.

Also, be curious about yourself. Do you find yourself being judgmental and closed off? Or are you open to meeting new, different types of people?

The kind of person you found attractive when you were younger may not still be what lights you up. You’ve evolved as a person and therefore your tastes may have changed.

Don’t decide before you ever meet in person if he/she is your new soulmate or not. Just go on dates. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and others when you approach dating with an open mind and realistic expectations.

Dating after divorce can be a great time to discover new things about yourself and the people you meet.

Focus On The Positive

It’s easy to try to bond over dating horror stories, and other misery and mishaps. This is not a good strategy to start a new relationship despite the fact that misery loves company.

Do your best to never talk about your ex and your divorce early in the dating process. If someone turns out to be a good match, you can give them the details later.

Instead, focus on the positive. Share the vision you have of your new life. Talk about your dreams and goals and inspire your dates to do the same.

Dating after divorce doesn’t have to be tedious if you focus on bringing out the best in yourself and your dates.

Don’t Get Fooled By Chemistry

Chemistry and attraction are important in the long run for a romantic relationship to thrive. But chemistry is not the most important ingredient in lasting love. Just because you have an intense attraction to someone doesn’t mean they are a good match for you.

Attraction can also be a false signal from your subconscious. It could be your subconscious yelling, “This is familiar! This is familiar!” If you put the focus too much on attraction and chemistry, you could find yourself heading right back into the same dysfunction you’ve already experienced.

Think of chemistry like yeast in a recipe for bread – it’s only one of the ingredients. Without yeast, you’ll end up with just a cracker and that will not be satisfying.

Instant intimacy can be deceiving so have a clear vision of the kind of relationship you are looking for and then think of chemistry as one box that you’ll want to check.

Dating after divorce can leave you either guarded or too carefree – find the middle ground by knowing that the chemistry spark of attraction is only one ingredient you’re looking for.

Practice Authenticity

You don’t want to end up with another partner who doesn’t value you, or who’s unable to take responsibility when things go South. Ideally, you want to be with a partner who loves you and accepts you and isn’t looking to change you.

The only way to be loved as you are is to show up authentically from the beginning. If you’re twisting into a pretzel trying to get someone to like you, then they won’t actually get to know the real you.

Being authentic is like sending out an invitation to someone to meet you at a high vibration. When someone accepts your invitation then you can create the emotional connection your soul desires.

Being authentic means only one thing: to identify your feelings and share them with another person.

Dating after divorce can feel scary because opening your heart will always have some level of risk. Sharing your life with your beloved will be worth it in the end. You’ll both know that you’re better together rather than apart.

Put Off Exclusivity And Intimacy

Rushing into an exclusive relationship with someone you barely know is not only a bad idea, but it’ll also slow down the journey to your soulmate. Put off exclusivity, and instead date a lot of different people. The cream will always rise to the top.

Also, there’s no reason to rush into sex. You don’t want to physically bond with a stranger. You need time to discover who they are and what they’re all about. Delaying physical intimacy means you can evaluate your prospects clearly. Anyone who truly wants a relationship with you will be willing to wait.

Dating after divorce means that you can take your time and in the process change your love patterns to reach your desired result.

Take A Considerable Amount Of Time Before You Introduce Your Children

You’ll want to get to know someone before introducing them to your kids. You don’t want to be introducing your kids to every prospect you have through the dating process (unless your children are grown adults and still live with you). Instead, wait until you’re in an exclusive relationship so your children have stability while you’re in discovery.

Don’t use your kids as dating confidants. Don’t share all the details of your dates with them, nor ask their opinion of your dates. There’s no need to rush introductions or to blend families.

Dating after divorce means creating a clear boundary between your dating persona and your parenting persona.

Believe That You Can Create Lasting Love

You can change your love patterns and create a lasting loving partnership that’s fulfilling. Commit to taking a new and different approach to dating and mating and you’ll find that making conscious choices can make all the difference.

When you approach dating with a purposeful mindset, you’ll learn and grow as you discover about yourself in the process. Love by accident says you just need to meet the “right” person. Now that you’ve been through a divorce you know there is more to it than that.

Rather than fall into the delusion that you’ll end up with a conflict-free relationship, use the dating process to discover about yourself and who you are now that you’re a divorcee. Where can you improve your communication and conflict-resolution skills?

Expect to have conflicts and evaluate your dates through the dating process. You can create lasting love with a partner who loves and respects you and one that you can count on as sure as you know the sun will rise tomorrow.

Ultimately, life is better when it’s shared with someone special. If you want support healing your heart or creating a new mindset for dating after divorce watch this video so you can become aware of your hidden blocks to lasting love. It’s what you don’t know that might be blocking you from long-lasting love.

I want to know how to bounce back and create lasting love after divorce. I was married for 17 years and now divorced for 4 years. I’ve been focused on raising my kids so I really haven’t dated much. I did have a couple of boyfriends, but they were never serious relationship material. I’m almost embarrassed to admit to you that I never even told my kids about them.

The thing is, I’m tired of being on my own, and I want to share my life with someone. I want to have a different relationship than my marriage to an addict. He was and still is such a difficult person to deal with. I really want to do it differently this time but I’m not even sure where to begin. My kids will fly the coop soon and I’d love your advice about how to create lasting love after divorce so I don’t waste my time. I love you guys and can’t wait to hear what you have to say!

Irene”

Dear Irene,

What an exciting time — you’ve finally decided to focus on and create something just for you! Dating again after divorce can feel daunting, but it can also be an exciting new opportunity. The biggest mistake people make when they get back to dating after divorce is that they don’t create a goal, they just see what comes their way. Because you already know your objective is to create lasting love after divorce then you’re already avoiding a big misstep.

Too many people approach dating like it’s a necessary evil. Sharing dating horror stories, committing too quickly, treating every prospect like they’re trying to con you, and wasting time endlessly researching people online are the most common blunders people make when they reenter the dating pool.

Even though you may not like the idea of dating, it’s the only way to create lasting love after divorce. Let’s focus on a bigger-picture approach to being successful at dating and relationship. Strategies and techniques are helpful but if they aren’t combined with a positive mindset, and some deep introspection, it’s likely you’ll get stuck in the same old patterns and cycles that have plagued you in the past.

5 Steps To Creating Lasting Love After Divorce

Keep in mind that your goal is to create lasting love, not just to have another boyfriend, so these steps are not a quick fix for meeting your soulmate in 30 days or less. If you approach these five steps to creating lasting love after divorce sincerely, then you’ll be in a position to select an ideal mate to share your life with for the long term.

1. Release Anger & Resentment

Lingering anger and resentment from divorce are commonplace, so accept the fact that these are natural and normal feelings. No one enters a marriage thinking it won’t last, you believed you’d be together for a lifetime. All relationships begin with a lot of hope and a vision of the future.

Before starting to date again you’ll want to release negative emotions like anger and resentment about your divorce. Imagine being on a date with someone who can’t stop complaining about their ex and you’ll understand why this is so  important.

Even if you don’t share about your marriage or past experiences with your ex-husband on a date, they’ll come out unconsciously. These feelings will filter the way you see men, dating, and relationships in general. You’ll be in reaction to the past rather than having your heart open to find someone better suited for you.

You’ll also want to examine your own behavior in the marriage (be sure to include the divorce process). A relationship is a dance that happens between two people. Did you communicate your wants, needs, and desires in a way that they could be heard? Did you own the mistakes you made? Even when you were triggered and upset?

After doing this introspection, take time to embrace forgiveness for any mistakes you made, and for any of your own bad behavior. And then do the same for your ex-husband — this is something you do all by yourself, he need not be involved. Releasing anger and resentment allows you to step into forgiveness.

Ultimately forgiveness for you. It allows you to let go of the energetic dance you’ve been doing with your ex-husband. It doesn’t mean you’re excusing his bad behavior, but it will free your heart to create lasting love after divorce.

There’s a famous Buddha quote that sums this step up nicely, “Holding on to anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

2. Find The Golden Nugget Of Learning™

People and situations show up in your life to help you grow and evolve — like being in life school. Growth doesn’t happen during the good times, growth occurs through your struggles, difficulties, and challenges. The tougher the experience, the larger the growth.

People often ask, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” The best answer we’ve heard is, “To make them better.” A diamond is created from being under tremendous pressure. There are tremendous gems available to you through the challenges you’ve faced.

The key to growing through painful experiences (particularly romantic partnerships that don’t last) is an exercise we created called: The Golden Nugget Of Learning. This process allows you to mine the relationship so you can step into a mindset of gratitude for everything it brought you.

No doubt you’re grateful for your children, and there’s a lot more for you to be personally grateful for when you focus on finding out how those experiences changed you for the better.

The Golden Nugget Of Learning can be one big giant golden nugget, or it can be a bunch of little ones. The process allows you to look at painful experiences as the observer so you can release the emotional stories keeping you stuck.

Finding gratitude for all of your life experiences, the good, the bad, and the ugly, is part of the journey to create lasting love after divorce.

3. Discover Your Attraction Patterns

Many people believe they’re attracting in a particular kind of person, as if they have a magnet inside that attracts emotionally unavailable partners, addicts, narcissists, or cheaters. This is not only incorrect it’s backwards! Instead, you’re attracted to a certain kind of person, your mind highlights people who fit your particular pattern. You’re the common denominator in all of your relationships. It’s your mind that’s highlighting a particular kind of person that sparks connection inside of you.

Chart out your relationship history to discover the common qualities that you’re unconsciously attracted to. These are not the things you want or need in relationship, they’re the qualities of the kind of person you end up with when leaving love to chance and happenstance.

Your attraction patterns come from learning about love in your family of origin. The same people who taught you to walk, talk, and tie your shoes also taught you about love. You learned about love by the experiences you had with love as a small child.

Long before you knew about yourself or how the world works you made decisions about what’s possible for you in love. The rudder on your very own Love Boat was set with particular coordinates of attraction. These coordinates were set by your childhood experiences with the people who raised you and the meanings you assigned to events when you were just a small child.

Identifying your attraction patterns and taking responsibility for them will keep you from repeating them. Look over your relationship history and see if you can find the patterns in your choices and behavior. Discovering these patterns will put you in the driver’s seat of your love life so you can make better, healthier choices that are more in alignment for creating lasting love after divorce.

4. Fill Your Own Cup First

You can’t expect another person to fill up the empty space inside of you. The idea of someone completing you as if they’re your other half is the recipe for a co-dependent relationship.

A relationship is not a good antidote to loneliness or low self-esteem, as a matter of fact getting into a relationship to feel better about yourself will leave you vulnerable to narcissists and other nefarious people who want to take advantage of you.

Learn to fill your own cup first. Start doing the things you want to do and stop putting off living your life until you have a partner to share it with. Travel, take on new hobbies, or invest in your interests and passions. Start living the life you want for yourself now! There’s nothing more attractive than a person who’s living their passions.

You don’t have to choose between being happy and single vs. looking for love. You can do both at the same time! Being happy and single while dating and looking for love with an open heart is actually the perfect recipe to meet your soulmate.

5. Practice Soulmating™ Instead of Dating

Rather than guarding your time and being super picky about meeting up with a new prospect, look for reasons to say, “Yes!” to a date. Stop evaluating a match on the first few dates and put your focus on discovering about yourself through the dating process.

We call this entering The Dating Lab. Approach dating like an experiment and your goal is to gather as much data as you can. The only way to do that is to go on a lot of dates, and to date a wide variety of people — those you find attractive and even those you don’t.

Attraction is a requirement for a relationship, but it’s not a requirement for a date! When you slow the dating process down you speed up the process of finding your soulmate. This counterintuitive approach to dating is the key to cultivate discernment through the dating process.

Use dating to discover more about your patterns so you don’t repeat them. How does your behavior change when the guy across the table is hot vs. when you don’t find him attractive at all? Are you able to speak your truth? Ask for things that you want? Or do you twist into a pretzel trying to earn love?

Dating with non-attachment and low expectations creates wonderful opportunities for you to connect with the right person rather than jumping into a commitment with a stranger.

Take your time before going exclusive and thoughtfully and consciously re-enter the world of dating. Creating lasting love after divorce is one of the most fulfilling aspects of a life well-lived.

This Swedish Proverb sums it up sharing your life with your Beloved:

“Shared sorrow is half sorrow. Shared joy is double joy.”

Lasting love after divorce doesn’t have to be hard, nor do you have to struggle along the way. There may be something you’re unaware of that is running your selection process. Did you know that you’re attracted to what is FAMILIAR? Watch this short video to explain what’s really driving your choices in love.

If you’ve taken time to heal your heart and you feel ready to put yourself out there again you may wonder what’s changed. Most of all what has likely changed is: You.

Decide what you’re looking for when you start dating so that you’re clear on what you want. Maybe you’re just curious to meet new people and you want to keep things casual, or perhaps you know you want another serious relationship. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, then you’re leaving what you find up to fate.

One of the biggest problems with getting back into dating after years of being married is that you may feel like you don’t understand the rules. Dating after divorce is different than dating in your teens and twenties.

Dating when you are young is relatively easy. Most people you meet through your friends are single, and you have a large social circle to meet new people. Plus when you’re young a new relationship doesn’t feel so serious.

When you’re older and coming out of a divorce, you are likely a bit more guarded, and have specific criteria of what you are looking for in your next partner. The people you meet have had their own heartbreaks and emotional baggage. It’s also likely that your social circle is comprised mostly of other married couples.

This can appear to make dating feel difficult and somewhat daunting. Instead of avoiding it altogether follow these steps on how to date after divorce. You’ll discover that dating can be fun and rewarding, even if you don’t immediately meet your new soulmate.

1. Make Sure You Are Ready To Date Again

Still thinking or talking constantly about your ex? You might have some healing to do before you are ready to enter the dating world again. No one wants to go on a date with someone who is still bitching and moaning about their ex.

Don’t rush into dating just because you don’t like being alone. You’re not doing anyone any favors to date them when you are emotionally unavailable for a relationship. Instead, take time to process your negative emotions about the breakup. When you can go on a date and not make comparisons to your ex, then you’re probably ready to take dating seriously.

You’re older and your life is busier, so you don’t want to waste your time.  Once you feel ready to share your life with someone again, you have to set time aside to go through the dating process. Here’s how to date after divorce – make sure you are open and ready to date again.

2. Get Clear On The Mistakes You Made In The Past

The phrase, “Those who don’t understand history are bound to repeat it,” definitely applies to dating after divorce. Take time to examine why your marriage ended and take responsibility for your part.

You are not 100% responsible for the relationship ending, only for your side of things. Know where you can improve on your relationship skills and own the mistakes you made and make a promise to yourself to do better next time.

This may require an upgrade in your communication skills, or you may have to break an unhealthy relationship pattern. You don’t need to be perfect to start dating again, but you should be aware of your patterns and strategies that didn’t work in your marriage and make some effort to change them.

3. Take Time To Forgive Yourself And Your Ex

Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you excuse bad behavior; it does mean that you are no longer tied to your ex energetically and emotionally.

Do you find yourself reliving everything that happened in your mind wondering if you could have said or done something differently? Are you carrying around anger and resentment about your ex and unable to let it go?

Everyone makes an error in judgment sometimes. Holding onto those mistakes will only leave you feeling tired and bitter about love. You are worthy of love and you can find love again. Forgiveness will open your heart to the possibility of finding a new love that will last and bring you deep satisfaction.

Just because the two of you were unable to make it work doesn’t mean that it can’t work out in the future with someone else. To date after divorce, it is imperative that you put aside any bitterness and practice forgiveness for yourself and for your ex.

4. Don’t Date Like A Teenager

Teenagers have raging hormones and tend to go all-in as soon as they find someone they are attracted to. They become obsessive over one person and are convinced that is the only person they will ever love. Teenagers also twist into a pretzel trying to please their partner and sacrifice their own needs thinking that will earn them love.

These strategies for dating may seem foolish to you now but you’d be surprised how many grown adults make the same mistakes and behave like teenagers in love. You probably don’t know how to date after divorce, especially if you haven’t dated since you met your ex.

Don’t assume that the strategies you used in your youth will be helpful to you as an older adult.

Love is an amazing and magical feeling with the right person. But finding lasting love is not a magical process that just happens when you least expect it. Take an intentional approach to dating. Use it to weed out people who are not a good fit. Refine your search depending on the results you are getting.

You’ll want to remain open and curious and have fun along the way. But you don’t want to get carried away like some love-obsessed teenager. Upgrade your dating skills and you’ll find that dating after divorce can be very rewarding. You can even discover things about yourself through the dating process that ultimately makes you a better partner long term.

5. Date Slowly And Don’t Rush Into A Commitment

Dating after divorce isn’t always fun and everyone has their share of dating horror stories. This doesn’t mean that it is a good idea to jump into exclusivity with the first decent person who shows up.

Take your time getting to know someone. Date more than one person at a time. Don’t rush into bed before you are ready. Slowing down the dating process allows you to avoid many of the mistakes of the past. You can evaluate a stranger over time instead of giving a stranger the benefit of the doubt. Never give a stranger the power to determine if you feel desirable.

Just because you are still learning how to date after divorce doesn’t mean that you want to take yourself off the market right away. When you go on dates with people who may not seem like your type you discover a lot about yourself and you get to practice your communication skills without too much risk.

6. Don’t Complain About Your Ex

It may feel cathartic to dump on your ex during a date, however, doing so will not bring you closer to getting the love you want. If you need to vent about your ex, call a friend instead of being that person on a date.

Just because you are dating after divorce doesn’t mean that every date should be about your divorce. You are a whole being with interests, hobbies, and opinions so share who you are and focus on the positive. Share what lights you up and what inspires you when you’re meeting someone new.

You can share the answers to all these questions and a whole lot more:

What do you want to create in your life?

What are you excited about?

Where do you see yourself in 3-5 years?

What are the top 5 items on your Bucket List?

Share your dreams and goals and see who steps up to meet you there. Bonding over your dreams and goals creates a much stronger bond than over your pain and frustrations. When dating after divorce you’ll want to be sharing the life you have left to live, not what you’ve just lived through.

7. Don’t Put Too Much Emphasis On Chemistry

Chemistry and attraction are important in a relationship, but they are not the only important qualities in a healthy relationship. Attraction is only one ingredient. Don’t put too much emphasis on chemistry and forget everything else you desire.

Putting too much emphasis on attraction can lead you to date a lot of people who are not a good match for you long term. Lasting love comes from sharing the same values. When you have shared values, you will be much more able to navigate the challenges that life will inevitably throw your way.

Take time to create a vision of your ideal relationship, and then date to find a match to the vision. Most people dating after divorce are clear on what they do not want. This highlights what they do not want out in the world. So everywhere they look they see their ex. Instead, get clear on what is really important to you and the dynamic of your ideal relationship. When you take time through the dating process you can discover what this new person values and see if the two of you can navigate through conflict together.

8. Nothing Is Real Until You Meet In Person

You will come across plenty of fake profiles while online dating. There are even high-profile stories of people who were victims of a scam on a dating site. This won’t happen to you if you focus on one simple rule: Nothing is real until you meet in person.

Scammers like to build trust and emotional intimacy through text, email, and phone calls. But once you meet in person you put a face to a voice and a name. The chances that you’ve met a scammer are significantly reduced. Plus, if you never give money to a stranger you’ll never be scammed.

The best way to protect yourself is to never invest emotionally in someone you’ve never seen face-to-face. Be sure to ID the person through video chat and see that their photograph matches who they really are.

The best place to meet people to date is through an online dating site or app. There are more people online now more than ever in every age bracket. By taking these simple precautions you can protect yourself and relax.

Refusing to date online is like looking for a new job and refusing to go on LinkedIn. Most people are just like you, looking to meet someone they can date and discover more.

9. Focus On Authenticity

Your life is busy, so you don’t want to meet anyone playing games. It may seem a little scary as your heart may be a little scarred from your divorce, the key to finding an ideal match is by being authentic.

Authenticity means that you share how you feel and what you want. It isn’t about your opinion of your date. Authenticity is an invitation.

Through the dating process, as you share about yourself you’ll find out who is really into you. The cream will rise to the top and you’ll connect more with one of the people you’re dating.

The only way to be loved for you really are is to show up as who you really are. It is completely freeing to know that when you are authentic you are able to be seen by someone who will love you, without needing you to change.

Plus when you’ve just met someone new you have nothing to lose by letting your freak flag fly! That is what your beloved will love about you most of all.

10. Don’t Rush To Introduce Your Children

Dating after divorce adds an extra layer of caution when you have children that you share with your ex. You deserve to have a loving romantic relationship whether your children think so or not.

It may seem scary for your children to know that you’re going out to meet strangers. The last thing you want to do is rush to introduce your dates to your children. They are probably going through enough anyway with the divorce. Wait until you are exclusively dating one person for a considerable amount of time before introducing your children.

You’ll want to consider the age of your children in this decision. The younger the kids, the longer you’ll want to wait.

11. Focus On What You Desire

Dating after divorce can leave you stuck looking only for someone who is nothing like your ex. You don’t want a repeat of what didn’t work out, so if your ex cheated, you look for someone faithful. If your ex did not communicate well, you want someone who wears their heart on their sleeve. If your ex was ambivalent about you, you desire someone who is head over heels for you.

What you truly desire is not the opposite of what you do not want. Focus on what you really want. What could be possible for you if you allowed yourself to dream big? Get clear on how you want your ideal relationship to function. Then go out and find the person who wants to create that dream with you.

Dating after divorce can seem daunting at first. But once you embrace a new approach to creating lasting love, you will find that your search can be fun and exciting.

Are you afraid to try dating after divorce? Maybe you’re still angry or heartbroken about your ex. Join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session and we can show you how to release the past and get ready to love again.