It’s easy to imagine that when you’re with your soulmate you’ll always get along and never have conflicts. Unfortunately, that’s a fantasy because no matter who you choose to partner with you’ll experience disagreements and misunderstandings.

While conflict is not a red flag all by itself, it can reveal red flags that you’ll want to pay attention to. That’s why it’s so important to take things slowly through the dating process before making a long-term commitment.

A soulmate is a person you can count on to prioritize your relationship regardless of conflicts that arise — ultimately they know you’re better together than apart. If you iron out all the conflicts while you’re dating then you’ll have no idea if the relationship can sustain the bumpy roads of sharing a lifetime together.

The question isn’t whether you’re going to have a disagreement or a fight with your soulmate. The question is: How do you each behave when you do?

Not All Conflicts Are Created Equal

There are disagreements that can be discussed calmly, and then there are conflicts that have the potential to blow up into a fight. So, what’s the difference?

It all depends on how resourceful you are at the time of the clash, and if the conflict triggers an old wound within one or both of you.

Stress makes everyone less resourceful. Whether you didn’t sleep well, have a deadline at work, or feel anxious about life, you’re not at your best when under duress. When you’re not at your best, you’re less likely to be able to stay calm and present during a disagreement.

When you’re grounded, present, and feeling positive, you’re more likely to be open to your partner and not take things personally.

Sometimes the nature of the conflict triggers a wound that isn’t about the person in front of you. It’s triggering a wound from your past. The key is to be able to recognize and acknowledge when your wounds are triggered and not blame your partner for hurtful actions of someone else in your past.

Your mind is designed to batch situations together and jump to conclusions, linking things together that are not necessarily the same. Through the Law of Association, your subconscious quickly categorizes experiences and says, “this is like that.” This makes it easy for you to mistake your partner’s intentions and get triggered into past hurts.

Red flags have nothing to do with a person’s resourcefulness overall, as every person will vacillate in their ability to be present and grounded throughout the day.

What Happens When You’re Triggered?

When you become triggered, you’re instantly less resourceful. That’s because you’re no longer thinking calmly or logically. You’re triggered into a fight/flight/freeze response and your big prefrontal cortex goes offline (like when your computer is no longer connected to the Wi-Fi signal).

When triggered your focus narrows and you become unable to think clearly about the situation. Your habitual strategies for survival kick in. You may even perceive your partner’s behavior as a threat to your own safety.

In this state you’re no longer the mature, centered adult you believe yourself to be. Instead, you’re reacting from a wounded place and can potentially lash out or retreat looking for a way to feel safe or in control.

The irony is that when you’re triggered, you’re most likely to say and do things that can cause damage to the relationship. Being triggered is not a red flag that your relationship can’t survive, it’s part of being human. It’s the part of you that is wired in for your own survival, so it’s better to make peace with it and understand its purpose.

You don’t want to fall into the trap of judging yourself, or your partner, for getting triggered. The key is to recognize when you are triggered and to calm your own nervous system.

Conflict Isn’t A Red Flag, But What Happens After May Be

Conflict is unavoidable, even in a soulmate relationship. However, you both have a choice in how to handle your differences and how you clean up any emotional messes.

Use dating as an opportunity to discover any possible red flags so you can better determine if this person is a good match for you. Pay attention to how your date behaves during and after a conflict or disagreement. Evaluate if they are capable of taking responsibility for their behavior and apologizing when needed.

It’s unfortunate but not unforgivable if either of you behaves badly when you’re triggered. If that bad behavior isn’t owned or cleaned up, then there may be a red flag that must be examined. Conflicts that aren’t repaired become the cracks that ultimately lead to the end of many relationships.

Don’t focus on avoiding conflict. Being in a cold war or avoiding conflict leads to harboring resentments and will drive a wedge between you if the two of you cannot find a way to connect, repair, and heal.

You can and should be forgiving when your partner gets triggered during a conflict. However, if your partner continues to double down on their choices instead of seeking to resolve your differences, then you’ll want to evaluate the potential of the relationship.

Dating Red Flags You Can Spot Due To Conflict

1. Your Partner Denies Your Feelings Or Experiences

Contradicting your feelings or your point of view is not only disrespectful but is also a sign of gaslighting. Assess if your partner can acknowledge your feelings. If they try to convince you that your feelings aren’t valid it may be a sign to move on.

2. Your Partner Gets Defensive Or Doesn’t Take Responsibility

Many people have an initial defensive reaction to conflict, and this is normal human behavior. If your partner refuses to take responsibility for their mistakes or bad behavior when triggered, then this is a serious red flag that cannot be ignored. If they blame you for everything that goes wrong, or your partner has a pattern of making excuses this is a valid reason to end the relationship. An ideal life partner will take responsibility for their actions and offer amends when warranted.

3. Your Partner Refuses To Budge On Their Position

If your partner is chronically stubborn and refuses to budge, then you’ll be in a constant power struggle. If you’re the one that must always compromise or give in, you’ll end up feeling resentful over time. In a soulmate relationship there is a balance of give and take, and working things out doesn’t mean that you’re the only one coming to the table with a compromise.

4. Your Partner Disrespects You And Your Choices

Disrespect is a relationship killer and this red flag should not be ignored. You want to be loved and accepted as who you really are. If your partner doesn’t respect you or your choices, then you’ll never feel loved and accepted. A relationship that has you walking on eggshells isn’t worth keeping.

5. Your Partner Stonewalls You

It’s impossible to resolve your issues if you can never talk about them. Stonewalling or ignoring issues won’t make them go away, instead there’ll be landmines buried in the relationship that can blow up at any time. Taking time to cool off is appropriate, but if you never repair and reconnect after a conflict you will grow apart rather than together.

6. Your Partner Agrees To Change But Doesn’t Follow Through

Avoiding conflict by agreeing to something without any intention to follow through is a huge red flag that the relationship is on the rocks. This passive-aggressive behavior will create mistrust as you’ll be unsure if your partner can honor their word.

7. Your Partner Focuses On Your Flaws But Ignores Their Own

Being in a relationship with someone who is critical of you and who constantly points out your flaws can destroy your self-esteem. This is especially insidious when your partner refuses to look at their own faults. Partner with someone who lifts you up, not someone who tries to tear you down.

Turning A Conflict Into A Deeper Connection

Being with your soulmate doesn’t mean that you won’t ever be triggered or behave badly when there’s a conflict. Conflict in and of itself isn’t a red flag. In fact, in a soulmate relationship, you’ll turn your conflicts into a deeper connection and heal each other’s wounds from the past.

Mastering this skill can turn an ordinary relationship into a soul-satisfying and long-lasting one. Here are the top skills necessary to transform conflict so you two can grow together rather than apart:

1. Calm Yourself Down First

If you’re triggered, nothing productive can happen until you calm yourself down. This isn’t your partner’s responsibility. Your ability to calm yourself shouldn’t be dependent on your partner’s actions. It’s up to you to get your nervous system back online.

Request that the two of you take a break from the conflict. Sit or lie down. Place your hand on your chest or on your navel. Breathe slowly in and out until you begin to feel your body and mind calming down. Once you are present, grounded, and calm, you can go back to your partner and begin to repair.

2. Stay In Curiosity

Do your best to have an open mind and not jump to conclusions about your partner’s behavior. When you’re curious about your partner you’re less focused on your own hurt and anger, plus you’re open to discovering their point of view and their feelings.

Listen and resist the urge to interrupt, explain, or defend yourself. If you’re creating a reply in your mind then you’re not really listening, so be sure to listen with curiosity and compassion. A conflict doesn’t make your partner an enemy.

3. Take Responsibility For Your 50%

Without responsibility, there can be no real healing. You’ll want to take 100% responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. However, resist all urges to take responsibility for your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Keep your side of the street clean and avoid trying to clean up the other side of the street. You aren’t responsible for your partner. You’re responsible only for yourself.

4. Communicate Authentically

Communicating authentically means you can identify how you feel and express it, ideally using “I” statements and not “you” statements. Focus on sharing how you feel without providing your opinion of your partner’s actions. Authenticity has a high vibration and when you communicate authentically you invite your partner to meet you at a high level of authenticity.

When you’re both willing to be authentic you can create emotional intimacy and connection — this is your soul’s truest desire.

5. Have Compassion For You And Your Partner’s Triggers

All human beings get triggered. Everyone has their own strategies for dealing with being triggered. It’s most important to have compassion for yourself and your partner when either one of you gets triggered because compassion allows you to stay out of judgement.

Giving yourself and your partner the space to be human by allowing triggers to occur is one of the most healing gifts of a soulmate relationship.

6. Intimacy Doesn’t Require Agreement

Conflicts often arise because you are disconnected from either yourself or your partner. This disconnection can create misunderstandings and can be triggering. Restoring intimacy and connection doesn’t require agreement.

Agreement is an ego desire, and it keeps you in the power struggle of arguing about who is right and who is wrong. When the two of you are emotionally connected it’s likely you’ll find the conflict itself is insignificant.

7. Ask For Or Offer Amends

Sometimes things happen in an argument that you later regret, or your partner behaves in a way that is hurtful, or maybe an agreement between the two of you is broken. Repairing this kind of clash requires more than just an apology, you may need to make or ask for amends.

Amends is a way of expressing, “I messed up and I regret my behavior. I’d like to make it up to you to show you how much you mean to me.” Amends can be a powerful tool for forgiveness and for creating a lasting bond because by making amends you are letting your partner know how important they are to you.

8. Clean As You Go

One of the least useful phrases about conflict in a relationship is to “pick your battles.” You’re not at war with your partner and keeping things to yourself builds anger and resentment. Instead, clean as you go. Clean up the little misunderstandings and the minor annoyances before they become something bigger that can blow up like a volcano.

Nothing compares to being in a soulmate relationship with a person who loves, respects, and accepts you enough to take the uncomfortable steps of repairing a conflict and creating a stronger bond.

9. Leave The Past Behind You

Following these steps allows you to let go of the conflicts that arise and leave them behind preventing you from keeping score or developing anger and resentment. Holding onto hurts and resentments will ultimately create more conflict and disconnection. Say what you need to say and then let it go.

To discover the potential for a soulmate relationship, pay attention to red flags when there’s conflict before making a commitment. Evaluate your partner’s behavior when things don’t go smoothly so you can evaluate their capacity to repair and reconnect.

Never ignore red flags, particularly those that arise with conflict. Every relationship begins with a Romance Stage where it seems like you’re just magically made for one another. The second stage of relationship is the hangover from the Romance Stage: The Power Struggle Stage.

No couple skips the power struggle, so it’s important to date like a grownup and practice the skillset for lasting love through the dating process BEFORE making a commitment.

A soulmate relationship is not free from conflict, instead, it’s a relationship where you can count on one another because you are bonded together in the knowledge that you’re better together than apart.

If you are looking for more tools to navigate through all five stages of a relationship, download our free guide: The 5 Stages Of Relationship. You’ll get a map to move past the power struggle to create a lasting partnership filled with co-creation and bliss.

Why do men have blind spots for a woman when they’re in love, but otherwise want a perfect woman? I met a great man and for the first few months everything was great. He was so romantic and always gave me compliments on my appearance. He seemed to love and accept me.

But then we moved in together and everything changed. He is so critical of how I do everything. I don’t do the dishes correctly. I don’t dress nice enough for him. It seems like I can’t do anything right anymore.

Please help me! I love him so much and I want things to go back to the way they were. I almost wish I hadn’t moved in with him.

I am so hurt and confused.”

Dear Anita,

Thanks for reaching out to us. We know that things feel confusing for you right now, and we also know that what you are going through is essentially “normal.” In fact, some version of this happens in all romantic relationships, and we are here to guide you through this bumpy phase and hopefully bring you some peace of mind.

While your question asks why men have blind spots, we want to assure you that everyone – male and female – has blind spots for their partner. There is a reason for the saying, “Love is blind” and we’ll explain to you the importance of this phenomenon.

We want to assure you that you can use this information to navigate through this relationship phase and deepen the love between you and your man.

The myth of “accidental love” tells us that when you find the magical right person that everything will be easy. That the feelings of being “in love” will last forever and you will easily navigate any conflicts between the two of you.

This unrealistic expectation spread by so many songs, movies, books, and poems has wreaked havoc on our intimate relationship throughout society. No person (or relationship) can live up to the pressure put upon you by the lies of romantic love.

This doesn’t mean that romance doesn’t exist or that love cannot deepen. When you understand why you have blind spots for your partner, how they fit into the natural phases of relationship, and how to progress through them, then you’ll have the roadmap to create something even better than what the movies and storybooks tell you. You’ll be able to create long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.

You and your guy are going through a natural phase in your relationship and with our help, you’ll be able to navigate through these bumps into a deeper more meaningful connection.

The 5 Stages Of Relationship (labeled by Dr. Susan Campbell):

1. The Romance Stage

This first stage is what most people wrongly expect to last forever. The romance phase is where the feeling of “falling in love” comes from. Your brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. You are literally high on love.

During this stage, it’s like your partner can do no wrong. This is when both of you have blind spots to the other’s faults. It’s all new and exciting and it truly is a chemical high that simply cannot last. It is essentially the promise of what can be if you continue to choose one another.

It’s important to have a lengthy romance phase as this puts gas in the tank of your relationship allowing the two of you to get through phase two.

2. The Power Struggle Stage

Once the chemicals wear off from stage one, each person reverts back to their usual self. The power struggle phase is the hangover and serves another purpose, for each person to individuate in the relationship.

It is during this phase that your blind spots wear off and you start to see the person for who they really are.

The power struggle is a tug-of-war between the couple. Now that the relationship is no longer new, each person wishes the other to be more similar than different. These differences that brought them together initially are looked down upon and criticized.

You or your partner could find yourself thinking (and even saying) “If you would just be more like me, then we would get along so much better.” Stressful events reveal our strategies for coping with life events. When your strategies are in conflict with your partner’s strategies then friction arises.

Most couples lather, rinse, and repeat these two stages, or they simply break up and move along to begin again with a new partner, never progressing past to stage three.

3. The Stability Stage

Making the shift from the Power Struggle Stage to the Stability Stage is the key to making love last. It puts you on the path to a much deeper connection and love between the two of you.

The Stability Stage begins when the couple shifts from fighting each other to fighting for the relationship.

This stage creates comfort with a, “You and me against the world” feeling. Now as two individuals they know they can depend on one another. The relationship is on solid ground.

A dysfunctional relationship will never reach this phase, as it requires both people to make the commitment to work through their differences.

The Stability Stage requires each partner to make deposits and withdrawals from the relationship. These deposits and withdrawals come in the form of loving actions you both take towards each other, developing a respect for how and why your partner is different from you, and being open to receive how your partner expresses their love for you.

4. The Commitment Stage

This is when the couple is ready to make a lifelong commitment to each other. You know who your partner is and you don’t need him/her to change.

It’s like you found this person in the “As Is” section of Ikea and even though there are some defects (as in they are not perfect) you will choose to love them anyway.

Most couples make a lifelong commitment while in the romance stage and reach the power struggle before the wedding ceremony. Waiting to make a lifelong commitment until stage four allows you to make an ideal selection for love to last.

Life will always bring you unexpected challenges (whether you are coupled off or not), so it is important to know that you can weather the storms with this other person.

5. The Bliss/Co-Creation Stage

This relationship stage occurs when there is so much love between the two individuals that they must create something even larger than just the two of them.
Traditionally this is to procreate and have children. For other couples, it can be a business together, philanthropy, or charity work.

You may have blind spots during the bliss stage but they’re for your partner’s faults. You’re seeing your partner in their best light and are forgiving of their weaknesses.

This phase of relationship is not stagnant. Once a couple goes through these stages in order, the couple skips around to different stages depending on the events that occur. The deepening of love occurs the longer the couple continues to choose each other and stay together.

How To Move Past The Power Struggle Stage And Into The Stability Stage

Most couples get stuck moving past the power struggle stage. They get stuck fighting each other and lack the skillset to move past and fight for the relationship.

The first step is to recognize this is a natural stage and it won’t last forever.

If you are wishing and hoping that your partner would be more like you and just do things your way, it’s a sure sign that you’ve landed in the power struggle stage.

If your partner appears to you as being overly critical it can be a sign that you’re in the power struggle phase.

If you are avoiding conflict and sweeping things under the rug, or you’ve grown tired of doing so and are now angry and resentful that you’re needs aren’t being met it’s likely you’ve reached this second stage.

We can assure you that you can’t imagine what this will be like. The majority of our clients report back to us that the power struggle is not at all like what they imagined it would be.

Here are some steps as a crash course to move forward:

1. Let go of the rope.

A power struggle occurs when both of you are pulling on the rope in your emotional tug of war. Let go of the rope by choosing to not take your partner’s behavior personally.

The strategies that your partner is using have nothing to do with you. They were developed long before he met you and would show up in any relationship.

When you let go of the rope, you can allow yourself to be curious about your partner and his strategies.

2. Speak how you feel (be authentic)

There is an art to sharing how you feel so that your partner doesn’t get defensive or feel criticized. Practice this template for a better way to communicate your feelings:

“I feel _____________ when _________________. Would you please _____________?”

We’ll break each step down for you.

I feel [insert a single word emotion]

When [add context and avoid using the word “you”]

Would you please [make a direct request]?

Use this template to share how you authentically feel and remain present to hear your partner’s response to your request.

3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt

Most people date backwards. They have strong feelings for someone and immediately give them the benefit of the doubt. They excuse their behavior and develop blind spots for anything that could be a problem. They go all in with a stranger!

Once they get a commitment, they take off the rose-colored glasses and start looking at their partner with a more critical eye.

This is backwards!

You want to see someone for who they are before you make a commitment to them. Instead of excusing their behavior, get curious about who they are.

Then, when you reach the commitment stage of relationship, pull out those rose-colored glasses because this is the time to see your partner in their best light. Your beloved has earned the benefit of the doubt.

Giving your partner the benefit of the doubt allows you to see their intent even if they let you down, or if you had miscommunication. These are no longer “blind spots” but rather the point of view that you’re in relationship as a team and that your partner is on your side and vice versa.

If you let your blind spots select a stranger for a relationship you may find that you’re experiencing similar situations over and over again that leave you heartbroken. Then you can use this eye-opening experience as an opportunity to do the dating process differently next time.

If you want some insight into what stage of relationship you are currently in, or how to date for your soulmate then join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session and together we’ll examine your personal roadmap to long-lasting, soul-satisfying love.