For most high-achieving singles it’s your perfectionism that’s blocking you from the long-lasting love you desire and deserve. Your reliability, attention to detail, and high standards serve you on your career path, however, the unrealistic expectations in your romantic relationships end their chances before they can begin.

High standards for a life partner are important, however the qualities that truly matter take time to reveal themselves. You don’t have to lower your standards or settle for less to find soul-satisfying love with an ideal mate.

When you accept that no one is perfect, you’ll discover a partner who fits your life in ways you never could’ve imagined through the narrow lens of perfectionism.

Here’s how perfectionism is standing between you and the love and dream life you desire, along with what to do instead to finally have both.

What Is Perfectionism (And Why Is It So Sneaky in Love?)

Perfectionism isn’t the same as having high standards because it comes from a fear that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. At its core, your perfectionism is an attempt to avoid the criticism, shame, or rejection that comes from making a mistake. Perfectionism often comes with a harsh inner critic, one who judges or berates you.

Some of the consequences of perfectionism are fear of vulnerability, all-or-nothing thinking, excessive self-criticism, and a fear of failure. To make matters worse, your self-judgment is projected onto other people, making it impossible for anyone to meet your unrealistic expectations.

In dating and relationships perfectionism shows up as micromanaging, strict standards, and a near-constant state of self-monitoring. You may spend hours analyzing texts, rehearsing conversations, or scanning dates for signs of incompatibility or danger. All of this creates an illusion of safety and control; however, it also makes it nearly impossible to create a connection because perfectionism hinders your ability to be vulnerable.

Perfectionism is sneaky because it often disguises itself as discernment or the pursuit of excellence. Discernment is rooted in clarity and compassion. Perfectionism is driven by fear of not being good enough. This leads to excessive planning and overthinking, keeping you stuck instead of moving forward.

Why You Might Be Using Perfectionism To Protect Yourself

If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, based on performance, achievement, or people-pleasing, then perfectionism can become a strategy for earning love, approval, and acceptance.

Growing up with critical parents who had unrealistic expectations for your achievements can create the desire to be perfect. Or growing up with verbal or physical abuse, if you stepped out of line or made a mistake, can create the illusion that being perfect is the only way to stay safe. Having parents who were obsessed with appearances and presenting a perfect family to the world can create the same result.

Any of the above circumstances means you learned that mistakes led to shame or punishment. That showing emotion made you a burden, and that love had to be earned. Now, as an adult you still use the strategy of perfectionism as an attempt to feel accepted and loved.

As no human being is perfect, healthy love requires self-acceptance and a safe space to make mistakes. When we love someone we adore their uniqueness, imperfections and quirks.

Letting yourself be seen even when messy and insecure is what builds trust and intimacy between two intimate partners. Being vulnerable allows you to feel loved for who you really are, warts and all, without having to keep up the false veneer of perfection.

Signs You Might Be A Perfectionist In Love

1. You Set Unrealistic Expectations For A Partner

Your standards are sky-high, and they aren’t just about shared values or lifestyle. You expect someone to be smart, successful, emotionally fluent, physically attractive, spiritually grounded, witty, well-read, financially stable, stylish, free from emotional baggage, and ready for commitment on your timeline.

The list above may appear as a reflection of your worthiness, when in reality it’s a defense mechanism. When no one is good enough you don’t have to risk your heart, allowing you to keep up the facade. Perfectionism forces you to look for flaws in every prospect and never lets them get close enough to see yours.

You can’t hide your flaws forever, and the right partner won’t want you to. They’ll love you because of your humanness, not in spite of it. When you let go of perfectionism and embrace being human, you’ll finally open the door to finding your beloved life partner.

2. You Struggle To Be Vulnerable

Perfectionists are often terrified of being seen as needy, messy, or emotional. They work hard to appear put-together and in control. However, intimacy requires emotional connection which comes from authenticity. To connect emotionally you must share your feelings, and that requires you to risk showing up without a script.

If you can’t be emotionally authentic, you’ll always keep love at a distance. Protecting yourself from judgment and rejection may keep your heart safe, however without letting someone in you won’t ever have a great love relationship.

Romantic love requires you to share your disappointments as well as your joy, to ask for help or reassurance when you need it, and to reveal the wounds of your past to create emotional intimacy.

Vulnerability isn’t weakness, it’s a sign of emotional courage. This doesn’t mean you should share your deepest wounds on a first date. Start small and let someone know how you feel in the moment. Instead of always appearing capable, ask for help or allow yourself to say, “I don’t know.”

3. You Try To Control The Dating Process

Of course, you want dating to feel efficient, like a project you can research and optimize, but love doesn’t follow timelines or spreadsheets. You can’t plan every detail or get someone to fall in love on your timeline.

Trying to control the dating process is a recipe for dating burnout. Your impatience with the process doesn’t leave room to discover if someone is truly a good match for you. Instead of focusing on results and outcomes, allow yourself to be curious about yourself and your potential matches.

Use dating as a discovery process where each date becomes an opportunity to practice being present, sharing your feelings, and evaluating if the other person has the potential to meet your needs.

Leaving your love life to fate or magic is not a plan for finding long-lasting love, however, you must make space for magic in the process.

4. You Dismiss Good Matches Too Soon

Perfectionists often use tiny flaws as exit ramps. They cancel second dates over minor annoyances or convince themselves there’s no spark, mistaking first date nerves for a lack of chemistry. Many perfectionists chase partners with obvious red flags, unconsciously reinforcing the belief that love is always out of reach.

You desire connection, but your perfectionism has you feeling dissatisfied with all your prospects. Judgment is the biggest block to love, and because you fall short of pleasing yourself, no other person will be able to please you either.

Give yourself and your date some grace, and instead of instantly rejecting, pause and see if you can find positive qualities. Ask yourself if fear is the reason for your rejection or from discernment. Being open to discovering more about yourself as well as your date is a good enough reason to go on subsequent dates.

5. You Fear Making A Mistake In Love

Perfectionism in dating can show up as second-guessing, overanalyzing, and decision paralysis. Being terrified of wasting time or investing in the wrong person creates a freeze response, which keeps you disconnected and not present.

Fear can cause you to put off dating altogether, so you end up being married to your work. Putting off the discomfort of dating may keep you single indefinitely. At the end of your precious life you won’t be reflecting on your career or money in the bank, the people you love will be top of mind.

Love requires risk. As the saying goes, “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Growth comes from experience, so allow space for mistakes on your journey.

6. You Try To Manage The Relationship

Perfectionism can lead to over-functioning by taking on too much responsibility for the success of a relationship. Smoothing over every bump, micromanaging activities together, not speaking up when you feel disappointed by your partner, and taking responsibility for their behavior.

Trying to prevent the relationship from failing causes you to ignore whether you’re a good match for the long term. You overlook red flags and don’t speak up for yourself. This is a recipe for settling for a partner who’s comfortable letting you do all the work while you twist into a pretzel trying to win their love.

Love isn’t granted by being good or perfect. As a human being you’re already worthy of love. You’re not a human doing, you don’t have to prove you’re lovable. Do less and allow space for your partner to step up in the relationship.

7. You Can’t Accept Love Unless You Feel Perfect

The hardest part of perfectionism is the belief that you aren’t lovable as you are. Trying to be perfect for the people you care about is exhausting and leaves you feeling lonely and miserable.

If you don’t like yourself, let alone love yourself, you’ll find it hard to believe that someone else will love you. You keep up appearances because deep down you believe if they see the real you, they’ll reject you. Even when someone expresses love for you, you struggle to believe it’s real. You test it, push it away, or secretly feel like a fraud.

You don’t get love from another person. It’s the love you have for yourself that’s reflected back to you in your beloved’s eyes. Learn to love all the parts of you: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Self-acceptance is the key that unlocks your ability to accept love from someone else.

What Real Love Looks Like (Hint: It’s Not Perfect)

If any of this sounds familiar, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed to either spend your life alone or be constantly dissatisfied with your relationships. You learned a strategy in your family of origin that is no longer serving you. In fact, it’s blocking you from the love and connection you desire.

Healthy, lasting love is built on emotional connection. It’s not about perfection, it’s about letting someone love you for who you really are, not presenting a false façade. This requires you to be willing to show up authentically, even when it’s uncomfortable, and risk rejection.

Real love doesn’t require you to hide your imperfections, rather it invites you to share your authentic self so you can be loved for your flaws, not despite them. The lyrics to the song, My Funny Valentine, sum up what real love looks like:

Is your figure less than Greek?
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak?
Are you smart?

But don’t change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little Valentine stay

Each day is Valentine’s Day.

How To Begin Releasing Perfectionism In Love

You can let go of your perfectionism and create the lasting love you desire by learning new strategies for selecting an ideal match for long-term love.

Start by giving yourself grace. Self-compassion is the antidote to the inner critic who lives inside you. What would it sound like if you spoke to yourself kindly and were able to forgive yourself for your mistakes?

Whether you start with yourself or with potential partners, set aside your unrealistic expectations and discover the hidden strengths of embracing flaws. Instead of judging, focus on compassion and empathy. Everyone is doing the best they can with the resources they have.

Slow down the dating process and use it to first learn about yourself. Question your quick judgments and be curious about yourself and your date. When you move slowly, you can evaluate if someone is actually a good match for you, even if they don’t fit your picture of perfect love.

Redefine success in your dating life. Instead of finding the perfect partner, rate your ability to show up authentically and stay present. No date will be a waste of time if you use it to practice your newfound skills.

Are You Willing To Be Loved Exactly As You Are?

The only kind of love that lasts is one where you’re showing up as your true self, even when you make mistakes or mess things up. A beloved relationship holds you steady when life throws you curveballs. A partner who sees you, warts and all, and chooses you anyway is someone you can count on to weather the storms of life together.

If you’re ready to retire your inner perfectionist and experience the kind of love that doesn’t require performance, join us for a complimentary Breakthrough Call. We’ll help you uncover your limiting beliefs that drive your perfectionism and give you the tools to create love on purpose.

Because the most attractive way to be is emotionally available, not flawless.

Chasing the emotionally unavailable and trying to win their love is an exercise in futility. With each crumb of affection offered your hope is rekindled, only to be dashed the next time they clam up or disappear for days.

Get your love life on track by spotting emotionally unavailable signs from the start, before allowing your heart to get attached. There’s nothing worse than investing your heart in potential only to end up heartbroken once more.

The good news is that if you suffer from this pattern it isn’t because of bad luck, bad timing, or fate. The brain science of attraction proves that you are attracted to what is familiar. By being aware of emotionally unavailable signs you can steer away from the wrong match and ultimately find an ideal match for long-lasting love.

So you can stop falling for potential, here are the most typical emotionally unavailable signs to be on the lookout for.

Emotionally Unavailable Signs Most People Ignore

1. You’re Doing All The Work

Once you’re exclusive they stop making an effort and rarely initiate. You’re the one left to do all the heavy lifting and move the relationship forward. You’re the one who has to reach out, make plans, and arrange your life around their priorities.

While you’re trying to figure out where you stand, they seem content with the status quo. You’re working overtime to develop emotional intimacy and trust while they’re never emotionally exposed and stay silent.

When a person is emotionally available and truly desires a life partner, they invest, initiate, and they’re willing to be vulnerable. A partner who is emotionally available doesn’t leave you to do all the work; they show up consistently to keep your connection alive. You don’t have to carry the whole relationship because you’re in a partnership.

Love is never one-sided; you shouldn’t have to over-function just to keep the connection afloat. An imbalance of effort is an emotionally unavailable sign you cannot overlook.

2. They Can Come On Strong

Emotionally unavailable people know how to talk a good game. From the first date, they’ll tell you how excited they feel about you, and what the two of you could be. They may send you presents, text you all day long, and tell you they see a future with you.

Unfortunately, those plans never materialize and you feel whiplash from the experience of falling for their false promises. They can’t keep up the intensity so the fantasy future never arrives, and none of those plans pan out. Love bombing is intoxicating, however it can only be fleeting because it’s not real.

Their tactic of overwhelming you with love and affection creates false hope. Because you don’t actually know each other, when you don’t match their fantasy everything falls apart.

One of the clearest emotionally unavailable signs is rushing to exclusivity and declaring true love with a stranger. Healthy relationships take time to develop as you invest time in getting to know each other and build trust through shared experiences.

3. You Never Feel Like Enough

When someone is emotionally unavailable, it can feel like you’re constantly trying to get them to see your value and recognize your worth. You’re constantly seeking their approval and acceptance.

If you’re walking on eggshells, attempting to manage their mood swings, and worried you’ll push them away if you express yourself—you’re dating an emotionally unavailable person.

True connection doesn’t require you to prove yourself. You feel seen and accepted as your authentic self and your self-assurance increases instead of decreases.

The most painful emotionally unavailable sign is never feeling good enough, because dating feels like a test, one that you’re always failing.

4. They’re Consistently Inconsistent

One week they can’t get enough of you and the next, they’re distant or disappear altogether. Of course, they always have an excuse for why you didn’t hear from them: work stress, family drama, they just needed some space.

People who are emotionally available do not vanish under pressure. When someone values you they show up consistently—especially when experiencing challenges. They reach out instead of pull away, and ask for support when they need it.

Inconsistency is a clear emotionally unavailable sign. You deserve someone who is invested in you, and whose presence doesn’t feel like a guessing game.

5. The Relationship is Vague And Undefined

Emotionally unavailable people resist clarity and avoid labeling the relationship. They’ll say they want to see how it goes, or that they’re content with the way things are.

Whatever they tell you, it’s code for, “I don’t want to be accountable to you.” They prefer to keep the relationship under the radar and introduce you using just your name and no relationship status.

Love requires risk, an emotionally available person is willing to step up and claim you. They’ll want to define the relationship, not keep it in the gray.

Ambiguity is a choice making this emotionally unavailable sign easy to spot. If have no idea where you stand after dating for weeks (or months) it may be time to move on to someone who is invested in a future with you.

6. Their Desires Are The Only Priority

The emotionally unavailable are not interested in meeting your needs, they only care about getting their way. At the start they may be interested in finding out about you, just enough to know how to push your buttons.

Quickly, the relationship pivots to being centered around their schedule, hobbies, and future plans. If you find that you’re rearranging your life so you can spend time as their plus one, you’re in a situationship, not a relationship.

An emotionally available person will be curious about you and want to incorporate your interests into their life. You’ll work together to craft the time you spend together; it won’t feel like a one-way street.

If their desires are the only priority it’s a clear indication that this person is emotionally unavailable and not interested in a partnership with you.

7. They’re Stuck In The Past

Heartbreak is part of growing up, it’s unavoidable and builds resilience. If the person you’re dating uses their broken heart or their past experiences as a shield they’re not emotionally available.

They may say they’re not ready because of how their last relationship ended. Maybe they tell you they’re afraid to commit because of childhood trauma. Or maybe they just need more time to figure things out.

An emotionally available person doesn’t use their wounds as a reason to keep you at arm’s length. They invest in healing and are willing to grow through challenges rather than present themselves as a victim.

One of the hallmarks of emotionally unavailable signs is a person who can share their past disappointments but hasn’t learned anything from them. Don’t confuse emotional honesty with emotional readiness. Just because they can discuss their pain doesn’t mean they’re equipped to create an emotional connection with you.

8. You Try To Change Them

This is the ultimate sign you’re falling for potential —you see their vulnerability underneath their defenses and believe if they moved beyond their fear, opened up more, or dealt with their past—they would be amazing.

You might be right, however this won’t make them ready for a relationship. Having empathy is a lovely quality, but through the dating process discernment is more important.

Wishing and hoping that someone becomes who you hope they’ll be, can cost years of your life, along with your self-worth. A loving partnership is not a rescue mission.

A healthy partnership is created by two whole people, willing to show up for each other and do what’s necessary to maintain emotional connection. It’s not your job to fix them or teach them how to become the best version of themselves.

If your love story is powered by the potential you see in them, that’s one of the most heartbreaking emotionally unavailable signs.

9. It’s All Chemistry And No Substance

If the two of you often skip dinner, or the movie, and go straight to the sack, or every date revolves only around passion without emotional intimacy, they’re not interested in sharing their life with you. You’re not rushing to meet each other’s friends or get invited to family events.

Maybe they make sure you’ve had a few drinks so you’ll relax. Maybe the clothes come off faster than the conversation ever deepens. Yes, it’s thrilling, but it’s not intimate. You may believe that your prowess in bed will cause them to fall in love with you, but you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak. Long-lasting love can’t be built from chemistry alone.

All chemistry and no substance is the most intoxicating emotionally unavailable sign—and one of the easiest to overlook. The passion is palpable, even electric, but in reality, it’s just a smokescreen. If you’re not connecting outside the bedroom, there’s no relationship—just hot sex with no anchor or safe harbor.

Chemistry is important for long-lasting love, but it’s only one ingredient. True love requires more than just heat. For long-lasting love each of these elements must be present: attraction, compatible lifestyles, healthy communication, and shared values.

Here’s Why These Emotionally Unavailable Signs Feel Charged

Here’s the hard truth, when emotionally unavailable partners feel like home, there’s a reason. The feeling you’re equating with attraction is a false positive. When you meet someone who’s emotionally unavailable and it’s charged as excitement and feels like instant intimacy, it means something completely different.

Your subconscious mind recognizes these emotionally unavailable signs as a familiar dynamic and sends out a signal, “This is familiar! This is familiar!” You’ve misinterpreted this signal as attraction and chemistry because it rings the bell of familiarity. However, if you’ve struggled with finding an ideal life partner and are stuck in a negative pattern the familiar is not in alignment with your desires in love.

You’re not attracted to emotionally unavailable people by happenstance. Because the subconscious mind is tasked with keeping you alive it simply highlights what’s familiar.

We call this repetitive strategy Your Love Imprint^®; it’s your core wound formed in early childhood and shaped by your response to the people who raised you.

You can’t heal by playing out the same subconscious strategies that you learned in your family of origin. Healing occurs by breaking your familiar patterns and making a new choice.

Recognizing emotionally unavailable signs allows you to rewrite that childhood story so you can find a partner who can meet your needs and be in line with your romantic goals.

How to Stop Falling for Potential and Break Your Pattern for Good

Healing Your Love Imprint means transforming what’s possible for you in love, the way you see yourself, and the type of partner you choose. Once healed you’re empowered to activate discernment through the dating process so you can choose a person who shows up fully from the start—not just someone who could, someday.

You’ll confidently recognize emotionally unavailable signs and move on quickly to someone else. The right partner won’t keep your relationship in the dark or be vague about their feelings for you.

Love will no longer feel uncertain, or out of reach of possibility, out in the future—like potential. Instead love will feel like standing on solid ground, trustworthy, and peaceful.

We can help you discover that peace within so you can create the lasting love you desire and deserve. Join us for a complimentary Breakthrough Call and we’ll create a custom plan to transform your love life for good.

Finding a beloved life partner is incredibly difficult if on some level you don’t believe you deserve it. Self-sabotaging behaviors are an unconscious strategy for keeping your heart safe. Unfortunately they lead to alienating ideal partners and make it difficult to trust yourself.

Self-sabotaging behavior in love stems from past experiences, trust or self-esteem issues, a lack of relationship skills, a fear of getting hurt, or a combination of these factors and more. They appear through strategies for giving and receiving love and can materialize even before a first date.

People who sabotage their dating life desire a relationship, but their hidden blocks to love don’t allow them to receive from the person expressing interest in them. The majority of people who suffer from self-sabotaging behaviors fit into one of these two buckets: those who never end up in a committed relationship, and those who feel uncomfortable when their relationship is going well and act out to create conflict and drama.

Why Do You Sabotage Your Dating Life?

The underlying reason you end up self-sabotaging relationships is an inner conflict between your desire for love and the need to keep your heart safe. This results in sending mixed messages to any prospect or partner that may come along.

This core wound is formed in early childhood and stems from the meanings you assigned to events that occurred in your family of origin. There’s a disconnect between how you desired to be loved as a child, and your parents or caregivers’ ability to love you. In this divide Your Love Imprint^® is formed and becomes your subconscious GPS for love.

Your Love Imprint consists of three parts: your limiting beliefs, mental/emotional patterns, and behavioral strategies for giving and receiving love. All three play a role in self-sabotaging behavior.

Maybe your childhood led you to believe that love is not safe. As an adult, your desire for love and your fears about your emotional or physical safety are in conflict. This causes you to hold back in your relationships to keep your heart safe. Your dates don’t know where you stand with them and are confused by your contradictory messages.

Maybe you believe you’re in some way unworthy of love and feel shame that there’s something wrong with you. You won’t trust anyone who declares their affection for you because it’s the opposite of how you feel inside. This leads you to reject people who like you and to chase those who reject you.

Maybe you believe that you must earn love resulting in a strategy of going into sacrifice. Going without your needs being met for too long fosters anger and resentment. Feeling fed up can cause you to initiate a breakup rather than express your desires.

13 Self-Sabotaging Behaviors That Block You From Love

1. Repressing Your Negative Emotions

Suppressing negative emotions can cause them to erupt and doom your relationship. An unexpected blowup can push your partner away. They may feel blindsided by your sudden outburst, which makes it difficult for them to feel safe in the relationship.

Repressing your emotions also prevents you from showing up authentically in the relationship. When you reveal how you truly feel, your partner might feel like they’re the victim of a bait and switch.

2. Going Exclusive With A Stranger

Committing to exclusivity quickly with someone you barely know is a common self-sabotaging behavior. Relying only on your feelings in the moment isn’t enough information to know if they’re a good match for you long-term.

Going exclusive quickly can cause you to ignore red flags, put on rose-colored glasses, and only see them in the best light. Rushing into a commitment can also lead to unrealistic expectations, placing too much pressure on an undeveloped relationship.

3. Taking Rejection Personally

The reason someone chooses to move on aren’t about you. Finding an ideal match takes time, and it’s important to accept that not everyone is going to be your person. This self-sabotaging behavior eats away at your self-esteem and confidence. It can cause you to become hyper-critical of your own behavior and question every move you make.

This self-abandonment turns you into a people pleaser and leaves you feeling powerless. You’ll end up feeling exhausted by dating and worrying that no one will ever choose you.

4. Avoiding Conflict

Misunderstandings and conflicts are inevitable in relationship. Your attempts to go along to get along will sabotage your chances at lasting love. You’ll never know if someone will stick by you for the long haul or accept you as you are.

Avoiding conflict builds a wall between you as unresolved issues fester and eventually blow up. Couples grow apart because they’re unable to resolve their differences and avoid having uncomfortable conversations. Learning to turn conflict into a deeper connection is a skill every couple needs.

5. Rejecting Before You Can Be Rejected

A common self-sabotaging behavior is to protect your heart by rejecting someone before they can reject you. Rejecting someone first ensures that you remain in control and avoid being hurt, but you won’t have a lasting, loving partnership either.

This strategy is commonly used by people who are afraid their flaws will be exposed. They judge themselves and therefore have a hard time believing a partner won’t also be hard on them.

6. Breaking Trust

Trust is a key ingredient to emotional intimacy. Breaking trust by lying, being unfaithful, or not honoring commitments undermines the foundation of a relationship. Whether it’s little white lies or more significant deceptions, this self-sabotaging behavior creates a sense of betrayal that’s nearly impossible to overcome.

Trust can also be broken by being unreliable, weaponizing incompetence, or not being available when a partner needs you. People who break trust often make matters worse by getting defensive when confronted, refusing to take responsibility for their behavior.

7. Becoming Jealous, Possessive Or Paranoid

Do you find yourself snooping in your partner’s phone, trying to catch them in a lie? This self-sabotaging behavior makes it impossible for love to last. Paranoia, possessiveness, and jealousy create an environment of distrust and insecurity. Love can’t flourish without mutual trust.

Your partner may end up feeling suffocated and unappreciated, plus the constant need for reassurance can be exhausting. These toxic behaviors block you from creating long-lasting love.

8. Overthinking Your Communication

You can end any chance you have of meeting your ideal match by overanalyzing your communication. Overthinking causes analysis paralysis and before you know it the opportunity has passed you by.

Second-guessing what you want to say, ruminating over previous conversations, or clamming up for fear of saying the wrong thing, will sabotage your ability to create a connection. The relationship is over before it ever began.

9. Low-Effort Communication

Ghosting, canceling last minute, or communicating mostly via text are all self-sabotaging behaviors that block you from love. These are low-effort, low-investment behaviors that reveal a lack of interest or respect for any potential partner.

Whether you have a lack of interest, are insecure or selfish, lack communication skills, or the ability to take responsibility for your choices, these self-sabotaging behaviors are a block to creating lasting love.

10. Trying To Avoid Rejection

Trying to avoid rejection by pushing others away before they even have a chance to accept or reject you will keep your heart safe but make it impossible to create connection. No one is going to scale the walls you’ve built around your heart to discover the hidden gold inside.

Love requires risk, and if you’re unable to risk your heart then you’ll end up alone. Avoiding rejection reinforces your fear of rejection, and further cements the belief that love can’t be trusted, keeping you safe but alone.

11. Resistance To Dating

Another self-sabotaging behavior is to believe that you don’t have to date to meet your person, as if you’ll magically meet your ideal life partner at work, your regular coffee shop, or in line at the grocery store. Actively dating through a dating app is the most effective way to get dates and meet a potential life partner.

The resistance could stem from protecting a broken heart, fear of abandonment, low self-esteem, or being cynical about love, but the end result is still the same—no partner to share your life with.

12. Being Overly Judgmental Or Critical

Whether you have unrealistic expectations or find that no one meets your criteria, impossible standards are a big block to love. Being overly critical or judgmental of everyone you meet not only blocks you from love but also causes you to believe that there isn’t a match for you.

Judgment is the biggest block to love, and its source is usually self-judgment. Perfectionism or self-criticism leave you feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough. Your judgment is projected onto potential partners who can never live up to your unrealistic standards. At some point you have to let your best be good enough so that someone else’s best can be good enough for you.

13. Not Asking For What You Want Or Need

You can’t get what you want if you don’t ask for it. It’s an unrealistic expectation that when you meet the right person they’ll intuitively know what you need and how to make you happy. Believing that your partner should somehow read your mind leaves you feeling like you’ll never meet someone who can meet your needs.

If you never speak up you’ll never feel fulfilled in your relationships. You’ve set yourself up for disappointment and resentment. Your lack of communication ensures that no relationship can last.

How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Awareness is the first step to changing your self-sabotaging behavior. You can’t change something that you’re not aware of. Examining the root causes of your self-sabotage brings you closer to understanding why you act in ways that undermine your desire for love.

Knowing why won’t actually change the behavior, but it will give you some understanding. It’s important to be kind and compassionate with yourself instead of being self-critical. Nobody is perfect and you’re allowed to make mistakes. Practicing compassion helps you reduce self-judgment and start to love yourself, despite your flaws.

Learning healthy communication skills allows you to express your needs and desires so that you can be heard. When you’re capable of expressing yourself authentically and asking for what you need, you’ll discover a potential partner’s capacity to be a good partner for you.

Examine your expectations of yourself and your potential partners. It’s more important to take responsibility for mistakes than to never make one. Practice radical self-acceptance through accepting all the parts of you—the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Love requires risk and the more you risk your heart, the more you build your relationship resilience. Everyone experiences heartbreak and rejection; the key is being able to bounce back and keep your heart open despite any setbacks.

You can change your self-sabotaging behavior by taking conscious action to heal your relationship wounds and learn new skills for lasting love. Sex is instinctual but lasting love requires skills that aren’t taught in your family or origin or in school.

If you’re struggling with self-sabotaging behavior and would like some help overcoming your challenges, join us for a complimentary Breakthrough Call. It’s time to get to the root cause of your struggles and create the lasting love you desire.

Understanding the reasons you’re afraid of losing yourself and adopting new behaviors allows you to stand in your power and not abandon yourself in relationship. You can keep your independence and thrive in love.

Losing yourself in a relationship shows up in several ways and all of them are a form of self-abandonment. If you give up your routine, lose track of friends, or have trouble defining yourself outside the relationship, you have a pattern of losing yourself.

Another common term for this pattern is self-abandonment. In a healthy relationship, one whole and complete person comes together with another whole and complete person, and together they form a new entity — the relationship.

If falling in love means you’ve merged with your partner then you’ve lost your sense of self. This is an unhealthy dynamic because you don’t exist as an individual outside the relationship, and your needs don’t matter in the relationship.

If you’ve been stuck in a pattern of self-abandonment it makes sense you’d be afraid of losing yourself and your autonomy. You’ve likely been convincing yourself to just stay single altogether because the risk of losing yourself again feels too great.

Here’s Why You Keep Losing Yourself In A Relationship

1. You Learned That You Have To Earn Love

You’re afraid of losing yourself because you learned in your family that you had to earn love in some way. Maybe you had a parent who was sick, depressed, or an addict, or you were supposed to take care of younger siblings. Whatever the circumstances, you learned that love and acceptance come from taking care of others while you have to prove you’re worthy of love.

This strategy of going above and beyond to earn love causes you to feel unworthy if you don’t work for love. However, you don’t have to earn love or prove that you’re worthy in a healthy relationship. Losing yourself in a relationship comes from a desire to show how valuable you are as a partner. And ultimately, this strategy will never bring you the lasting love you want.

2. You Believe That You Have To Sacrifice For Love

This limiting belief goes hand in hand with having to earn love. You’re afraid of losing yourself in a relationship because you believe you must sacrifice your own needs when it comes to love. You put your partner’s needs above your own, end up sacrificing yourself, and feel angry and resentful that you’re needs are never fulfilled.

A relationship can never thrive when one partner is always going into sacrifice. You go into sacrifice by stuffing your feelings, not making a fuss, committing to things you don’t have the time and energy for, and letting go of the activities that bring you joy. This type of relationship is out of balance and cannot survive the long term. Eventually, you’ll be sick of sacrificing and end up blaming your partner for not meeting your needs.

3. You Have A Fear Of Conflict

Your fear of conflict causes you to twist yourself into a pretzel to avoid clashing with your partner. You’ll end up swallowing your point of view because you don’t want to upset them. By never speaking up and sharing how you feel, you’ll eventually explode like a volcano. That eruption is so out of character and feels so awful that the cycle repeats again and again (either with a new partner or with the same person if they stick around).

Conflicts are a natural part of being a human living with other humans. Being able to work through your differences in a healthy way creates emotional intimacy and builds trust. Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away; it creates an emotional chasm between you that blocks intimacy and connection.

4. You Don’t Feel Worthy Of Love

Whether you have low self-esteem, lack confidence, or feel insecure about yourself, you believe you aren’t worthy of love just as you are. While these feelings are common, expecting your partner to fill the void inside causes you to lose yourself in a relationship. Your partner is neither the cause of these beliefs nor can they fix them for you.

When you don’t feel worthy of love you’ll put up with unhealthy relationship dynamics and give up what’s important to you. You end up giving in, hoping that you’ll receive love or validation from your partner. Constantly compromising yourself leaves you feeling even less worthy when their love can’t fill the void.

5. You’re Afraid Of Being Alone

Your fear of being alone will win out over being afraid of losing yourself. You’ll sacrifice your independence to avoid feeling lonely, even when the relationship isn’t healthy. Feeling lonely is a natural part of being human. Humans are social creatures and need regular contact with others. Your fear of being alone becomes a problem when you try to assuage the fear by rushing into a relationship with someone who isn’t good for you.

It’s normal to go through periods of loneliness and periods of connection in your life. You can feel the loneliest in a relationship with someone who doesn’t see you. Your fear of loneliness can cause you to jump into a relationship before you’ve evaluated the other person’s capacity to be a good partner for you.

Here’s How To Not Be Afraid Of Losing Yourself In A Relationship

1. Find The Source Of Love Within You

The number one cause of being afraid of losing yourself comes from seeking love and validation from someone else. You end up feeling empty and exhausted that you’ve given your partner everything, and yet you feel unseen and unfulfilled.

The love you seek is inside of you. You don’t get love from someone else. You share the love you have for yourself with your partner.

Instead of seeking someone to love and accept you, focus on loving and accepting yourself. Self-acceptance is believing that all the parts of you are worth loving — the good, the bad and the ugly. You are worthy of love just by the fact that you exist.

Take time to discover what brings you joy and happiness and spend time doing those activities. Become clear on what you would like to receive from a life partner, and also on what you can give to them. Make a list of your best qualities and characteristics (ask close family and friends so you can discover how they see you).

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Focus on loving yourself unconditionally. Ultimately, it’s the love you have for yourself that is reflected back to you through the eyes of your beloved. Once you realize this, you know that love can never be taken from you.

2. Stop Abandoning Yourself

You abandon yourself when you swallow your feelings or put aside your wants and needs to please your partner. You’ve probably been doing it since you were a little child, hoping that someone will see you as you are and love you anyway.

Practice saying “No” to the things you don’t want to do. Refuse to go into sacrifice and know what you’re willing to fight for. If you don’t know what you need, you’re left feeling like a little cork bouncing around on the ocean of your love life.

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Speak up. Express your feelings and don’t worry about how your partner will respond. It’s okay to be upset and to share your upset. When you express your feelings, you’re showing up for yourself and breaking the pattern of self-abandonment.

Once you stop this pattern, you’ll attract someone truly interested in you. Someone who’ll be curious about what you want and need so you can create a life together instead of a one-sided relationship that doesn’t last.

3. Embrace Your Differences

When you lose yourself in a relationship, you end up ignoring your differences. You may think it’s romantic to appear as “two peas in a pod,” but you’re two different people with different thoughts, feelings, likes, dislikes, strengths, and weaknesses.

Embrace your differences. Let them become a source of curiosity between you. You can do things apart from each other and be more available for one another when you come back together. Besides, you’re stronger together when each partner can shine in their brilliance.

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Instead embrace your differences and stay curious about each other.

4. Ask For What You Want And Need

You’ll never get what you want and need without asking for it. Soulmates don’t come with mind-reading powers. The right partner for you wants to know how to make you happy. The only way to receive their love is to speak up and share about yourself.

Your needs will never be met if you simply hope a partner somehow picks up on your subtle signals. Expecting your partner to intuit or instinctively know is another way of saying to yourself that you don’t count or matter.

Practice making requests and see how the people who care about you respond. Ask for help when you need it, and you’ll discover that you have people in your life who are there to support you, and you get to practice receiving from those you love.

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Speak up and find the person who desires to meet your needs and make you happy.

5. Set Healthy Boundaries

All relationships require boundaries. Love doesn’t mean that you can say or do anything to your partner. It doesn’t mean that your partner can treat you badly and get away with it. Respect comes with a boundary, and learning to love another person respectfully is something that may not have been taught or shown to you in your family of origin.

Without boundaries, you’re open to manipulation, abuse, and co-dependence. With boundaries, you can take responsibility for your triggers, learn to communicate respectfully, and become a master of your emotions.

Respectful love has a boundary. The boundary creates the conditions for love to grow in a more trusting and nurturing way.

Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Set healthy boundaries and you’ll create respectful love.

6. Give From Your Overflow

The habit of losing yourself in a relationship is worsened when you’re giving from an empty cup, expecting your sacrifice to make you happy, or secretly hoping your partner will reciprocate.

Imagine that your energy is liquid in a cup and every time you give to someone, you’re emptying a little of that liquid to help them. If you don’t make sure your cup is full, eventually your cup will run dry. This leads to feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and loneliness.

Fill your cup first before serving anyone else. Discover the activities or practices that fill you up when you’re down. Meditate, take yourself on an inner child date, read a good book, or do some other self-care activities. Know what refuels you and regularly take time to do so.

To be of service to anyone in your life, you must fill your own cup — not just to full, but to overflowing — then you can be of service from the overflow. Don’t be afraid of losing yourself. Make sure to fill your cup, and you’ll always have plenty of energy to give to those you love.

7. Don’t Rush When It Comes To Love

When you’re afraid of losing yourself in a relationship, you tend to say “Yes” to every request before thinking if you have the time or energy to accept. You end up feeling overburdened and resentful of the person making the requests.

Remember, by saying “No” to their request you aren’t saying that you don’t love or value them. What you’re doing is making sure that you aren’t sacrificing yourself to earn their love. Don’t rush and agree to things that you don’t want. Slow down by telling your partner you’ll think about it and get back to them.

Your loneliness can cause you to rush into a relationship before you know if someone is a good match for you. You let your fear of being alone take over and commit to a relationship before you know who someone is.

Slow down the dating process and wait before committing to exclusivity. Make sure to take time for yourself throughout the stages of dating. Practice your refueling activities, and don’t be so convenient. You’ll discover that you can quickly break the habit of losing yourself in a relationship.

If you’re afraid of losing yourself in a relationship and instead want to create long-lasting love with an ideal match, order our debut book: GETTING IT RIGHT THIS TIME: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love (Penguin Random House 2025). You’ll go on a journey to identify your blocks to love, transform them to develop confidence, and manifest the long-lasting love relationship you desire.

It’s time to stop pining, wanting, and longing for someone to share your life with and start living your life alongside the love of your life.

If you’re struggling to feel hopeful it may seem daunting to hold out and move slowly. Every nice person, or someone with good character won’t be your forever person. Dating burnout is brought through rushing in and starting over. Instead get off the dating rollercoaster. You’ll stop accepting crumbs when you believe you deserve what you desire.

You deserve more than just the bare minimum. You deserve love and respect that fill you up, not scraps that barely keep you going.

It’s easy to convince yourself that these tiny nuggets are enough. That it’s better to be partly seen or occasionally appreciated than to be lonely and alone. Just because the crumbs you receive feel like more than you’d get if you were alone doesn’t mean it’s enough, or you should be satisfied with what you get. You settle for scraps because part of you believes that’s all you deserve.

Never settle for less. It doesn’t have to be this way, and it’s not impossible for you to believe that more is available to you.

How Do You Know It’s Time To Stop Settling?

1. You’re Making Excuses For Their Unavailability

Whether it’s the pain of their recent divorce or their inability to trust because an ex cheated on them, you’re accepting those excuses and not asking for more. You believe that with enough love and patience they’ll come around and eventually give you all you desire.

2. You’re Waiting For Them To Give You What You Want

For whatever reason, they’ve let you know that they’re not ready right now, but they may change their minds in the future and you’re content to wait. You rationalize your choice because at least you’re not on a dating app, and you can lose yourself in a fantasy to dream about the future.

3. You Accept Friendship Instead Of Romance

Being stuck in the friend zone is something you accept and settle for. If you want more than friendship don’t put your desires on the backburner. Move on so you don’t fill the void. Nature abhors a vacuum, leave the empty space for the right person to fill.

4. It’s Easier Than Being Alone

Being alone is hard and having someone to go out to dinner or see a movie with makes it a little easier. At least you’re not always seated at a table for one and you have someone you can invite to parties with your family and friends.

5. You’re Focus Is On Their Healing, Not Yours

You imagine that giving them enough love will cause their heart to open. You keep giving to them while wishing and hoping the situation will change. Meanwhile, you’re ignoring your own needs to fulfill theirs.

No matter the reason, when you’re not getting what you really want you have to decide to move on. If you don’t value yourself, no one else is going to value you either. Going into sacrifice is not the way to get the love you desire and deserve.

Stop Settling For Crumbs In Your Relationships!

Ask yourself, “Do I have a pattern of settling for less than what I really want in my relationships?”

If you’re honest with yourself and answer yes, then it’s time to acknowledge that you’re not doing yourself any favors by investing any more of your time and heart with this person.

Anyone who allows you to continue to sacrifice your happiness for their comfort is not worth your time (plus, they are not a good friend either). It’s your job to put your needs first.

These situationships offer a certain amount of emotional intimacy that may feel good in the moment but aren’t satisfying over the long term. The connection to them stops you from pursuing other relationships, ones that may have real promise. They’re blocking you from meeting your ideal partner.

If someone is not making you a priority, then it’s time to reciprocate and do the same. Instead of waiting for them to make a move, or for their feelings/situation to change, take action and claim your value. Stop settling for crumbs and take a stand for yourself.

They don’t have to be a horrible person or toxic, they’re simply not the right match for you if their needs are met, but yours are not. Never settle for less than what you want and need.

5 Reasons You Should Never Settle In Love

1. You Deserve Someone Who Loves You

A relationship where one person wants more and the other doesn’t is imbalanced and therefore an unhealthy dynamic. You end up giving your power away out of fear that the other person will reject you. In this case, rejection is your protection. Anyone who isn’t willing to step up and claim you doesn’t deserve you.

Whatever the particulars of the situationship you’re stuck in a dead-end relationship. You deserve to be with someone who is as crazy about you as you are about them. It’s mutual attraction and affection that creates a natural balance in your relationship.

By accommodating their issues and making it easy for them, you’re twisting into a pretzel in an attempt to earn love. You can only hold this shape for so long before you become angry and resentful about the situation.

Sharing your life with someone doesn’t just magically happen, it requires commitment and chemistry. The needs of both people must be met the majority of the time for a healthy relationship.

If you find you’re stuck in a pattern of wanting what you can’t have, the first step to break this cycle is to discover more about yourself. Why do you believe you don’t deserve a fulfilling relationship? Why are you uncomfortable receiving love and preoccupied with giving love? What’s in your way of accepting someone that will shower you with affection and attention, and claim you?

If you stop settling for crumbs, what is your biggest fear? Never settle for less because you don’t believe you deserve more.

2. You Can’t Settle For A Lifetime

Companionship is nice when you’re feeling lonely, but it isn’t enough for a lifetime together. One of the reasons to commit to someone for a lifetime is so you have someone to weather the storms of life together.

If you never settle for less than what you deserve, then you’ll know that you can count on your partner to have your back. Whether you’re dealing with financial difficulties, family drama, or health concerns, knowing that your partner is going to be there for you is a great comfort. This is one of the main reasons to partner up.

There is a Swedish proverb about relationships that sums things up nicely:

“Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow.”

You’re looking to double your joy and half your sorrow. Never settle for less than someone who is just as excited about sharing a life with you as you are with them.

3. It Is Easy To Bail When Not Fully Committed

When settling for less, leaving is much easier when things don’t work out as planned. Committing through thick and thin requires that you have a strong connection at the beginning. The Romance Phase of a relationship doesn’t last forever, but that doesn’t mean that you should skip it altogether.

The Romance Phase puts gas in the relationship tank so you and your partner can get through the inevitable power struggle that every relationship goes through. If the Romance Phase is truncated, then it’s all too easy to bail on the relationship when challenging times arise.

Most relationships end because the couple cannot navigate through the Power Struggle Phase. On the other side of the power struggle is the promise of unconditional lasting love. But you have to be willing to move through your conflicts and accept each other as is.

If you’re settling, you’ll always wonder if there’s someone better out there. Someone you would be better suited for, who understands you and will also want to be intimate with you and shower you with affection for a lifetime. Never settle for less than the commitment you desire and deserve.

4. A Good Match Is Not A Unicorn

When you settle, you’re treating this person like they’re the only good person you’ll ever meet. They’re not some rare specimen you’ll lose forever if you move on.

It makes sense that you want to try to hold onto them. They make you feel good. You’re getting some of your needs met. Part of you is probably afraid that you won’t find another person who’s willing to spend time with you.

You end up giving your power and your self-worth to the hope that they’ll change their mind at some future date. This fear-based mindset is not serving you. You don’t need to find dozens of potential prospects or scour the earth for your soulmate. You only need to find one person who’s in it to win it with you. This isn’t as rare as you currently believe.

Stop settling for someone who isn’t available for anything more than a situationship or a friendship.

5. Your Person Is Blocked From Finding You

Because your heart is set on trying to make it work with this unavailable person, you’re unable to see any better matches that are available to you. Right now, you’re spending so much time and energy on them that there’s no room for your person to make an appearance in your life. You wouldn’t even see them if they were lingering in the periphery.

As long as your heart is tied to someone else – even with a small thread – your beloved will not be revealed to you.

You’re wearing blinders and putting all of your focus on hoping that this person will choose you when they become ready for another relationship. You’re safe for this person because you’re sticking around and not asking for more. Stop settling and making it easy for them to get their needs met.

Never settle for less while wishing for more. The right person won’t allow you to accept less than you deserve. It’s about expanding your heart and growing together to become the best versions of yourselves. Since this person isn’t asking anything of you, you aren’t asking anything of them. There’s no growth or movement in this relationship. There’s no future that ends well.

Stop Settling For Crumbs And Start Making An Effort To Meet Your Beloved

Stop settling and start dating! Go out with as many people as you can. Stop wasting one more moment of your precious time with someone who is clearly not interested in a relationship with you – and is willing for you to not have what you desire so they can have you available when they need to feel good about themselves.

If you ask this person, “Where is this relationship going?”, they’ll probably mumble something about not being ready right now. Waiting for them to become ready in the hope that they choose you is not a good strategy for lasting love. When someone tells you they’re not ready for a relationship, believe them. Never settle for less than someone who wants to be with you and is willing to make the effort to make it happen.

Stop settling for crumbs and go out and create the relationship you deserve!

If you find yourself settling for less than you desire and don’t know how to break this pattern, then join us for a complimentary Breakthrough Call. We’ll get to the root of what’s blocking you and share a plan for creating the lasting love you desire. Never settle for less and you’ll get the love you want.

Your thoughts affect your feelings; they can either motivate you to continue moving toward your goal or drain you of hope and encouragement. Indulging in a negative attitude amplifies your negative experiences, while focusing on a positive mental attitude increases your chance for success.

If you struggle with a negative attitude about your love life there are ways to shift into a positive mental attitude. Here are real-world practical ways to shift your pessimistic outlook into a positive one and turn your love life around overnight.

How A Negative Attitude Blocks You From Finding True Love (And How Switching To A Positive Mental Attitude Changes Everything)

1. A Negative Attitude Colors The Way You See The World

Whether you believe dating apps are full of scammers, or everyone lies on their profile, or they’re only looking for a hookup, your beliefs of how difficult dating is causes you to feel worse when you have a negative experience.

Conversely, if you believe that most people on dating apps are kind people looking for a serious relationship, or that love is easy to find, you’ll have a more positive journey and feel more resilient and capable of overcoming negative experiences.

The world appears to you as you believe it to be. It’s the overwhelming societal fantasy that finding a life partner should take no effort that’s setting you up for disappointment. Ultimately, what you believe is true is true for you.

Your beliefs determine your experience of the world around you. Sadly, most people believe the opposite — they think it’s their beliefs that are shaped by the world.

Your mind is wired to find evidence of your beliefs out in the world, and to reject evidence that contradicts your beliefs.

Clumping things together in this way helps you survive in a complex world. If you had to evaluate all new information from a clean slate (a completely unbiased mindset) then you wouldn’t be able to quickly make decisions and act on the evidence in front of you.

Having a negative attitude about love and relationships causes you to filter for evidence that confirms your beliefs. There are plenty of relationship-ready people looking for love on dating apps (in fact it’s the most common way couples meet). Sadly, it’s your negative beliefs about dating that block you from seeing them.

Developing A Positive Mental Attitude Highlights Positive Experiences

Start small; don’t try to change your attitude about everything all at once. Pick one limiting belief about love and question it. Is it really true or are your negative experiences coloring your beliefs?

When you examine your belief system and poke holes in it, you open the door to having new experiences that contradict the story that finding love is hard.

Look at your past experiences to discover what’s beneath your negative attitude. Is it protection against heartbreak? Is there unresolved grief from a past relationship? Or are you holding on to limiting beliefs about love from your childhood?

Through introspection, you can determine which beliefs serve you to take actions to create your life goals, and which ones are keeping you from the life you dream about.

2. A Negative Attitude Directly Affects The Actions You Take

Your behavior is driven by your thoughts and your feelings. There is a system for how this works. It’s called the Think, Feel, Do Cycle.

First, you have a thought. This thought triggers an emotion. The emotion you feel affects the actions you take or whether you take an action.

When your thoughts are generally negative, they trigger negative emotions. Your negative attitude causes you to take fewer risks, stick to your familiar routines, and reject new opportunities. All of this leads you to have fewer opportunities to meet new people, make new connections, and have new experiences.

Your negative attitude is keeping you stuck, and your feeling stuck is contributing to your negative attitude. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy that will take some willpower for you to break.

This never-ending cycle requires you to make an effort to change. You won’t magically wake up one day with a positive mental attitude about love and dating. You’ll have to take new actions to feel better. And that may require you to pay more attention to your negative thoughts.

Changing Your Habitual Thoughts Helps Develop A Positive Mental Attitude

Look for reasons to stay positive. Practice affirmations. Contradict your negative thought patterns by looking for evidence of the opposite being true. Notice love in all its many forms all around you.

A positive mental attitude starts with intention and effort but quickly transforms into a new mental habit the more you practice. Thinking positively triggers you to feel better about yourself and your prospects, which motivates you to take action toward your goals.

You have more control over your thoughts than you know. And when you take control of your thoughts you start to feel better, which has an effect throughout the Think, Feel, Do Cycle.

3. A Negative Attitude Makes You More Critical And Judgmental

One of the more corrosive effects of a negative attitude is that it causes you to be more critical and judgmental of the world around you. And judgment is the biggest block to love.

Judgment makes it difficult for any potential date to live up to your unrealistic expectations. It becomes a habit to find fault with those around you and causes you to feel disconnected from other people. This feeds your cynicism about dating in the modern world.

At its root all judgment is self-judgment. And when you are judgmental you are more inclined to project that judgment onto others.

A Positive Mental Attitude Creates Feelings Of Connection

Instead, create a connection with your dates by focusing on their positive qualities. This doesn’t mean that you excuse bad behavior. It does mean that you don’t sweat the small stuff. Go on some dates and just enjoy getting to know another human being with zero expectation of anything that may come after.

Breaking a pattern of judgment is just like breaking any habit – it requires a commitment and a strategy. First off it is important that you focus on progress, not perfection.

Start the day with a stretchy bracelet on one wrist and every time you catch yourself being negative or judgmental move the bracelet to the other wrist. Your goal is to not move the bracelet for 30 days straight.

You’ll be surprised at how your negative inner voice has become embedded in every part of your life. Within a couple of weeks of moving your bracelet back and forth, you’ll see improvement in all your relationships.

Part of developing a positive mental attitude is being kind, compassionate, and loving with yourself through the process. Don’t focus on perfection; instead focus on taking small steps toward your goal.

4. A Negative Attitude Causes You To Say No To New Opportunities

When you have a negative attitude you’re more likely to look for reasons to say no. No, to a possible date. No, to giving someone a second chance. No, to an adventure.

Love requires that you risk. It’s a risk to meet someone new. It’s an even bigger risk to fall in love with someone.

The myth of accidental love leaves you wishing that your ideal partner sees through all your negativity and loves you despite it. It requires you to hope and wish that someone will counteract your negativity and bring happiness into your life.

It’s as if you’ve locked yourself into a fairytale tower expecting that the right person will find their way up there to rescue you and make your life better.

Ultimately, you are the only person responsible for your happiness. Only you can change your negative attitude.

A Positive Mental Attitude Develops When You Say Yes

It starts by saying yes instead of no. Say yes to a date with someone new. Say yes to go to that party where you won’t know anyone. Say yes to a new adventure.

Take charge of your attitude by saying yes to risk your heart. You’ll find that your path to love becomes clearer and your connection to others a lot stronger.

If you’ve only had bad experiences with dating apps, you’ll be resistant to using them. A dating app is just a tool and if you don’t use the tool properly, you can’t blame the tool. Ultimately, a dating app is a tool to meet new people.

Instead of looking for your soulmate in a profile or getting caught up in endless text communication with a stranger, use dating apps to meet as many people as you can in real life. The more dates you have the clearer you become on what you’re looking for.

What if you knew that your ideal partner was looking for you as intently as you were looking for them? How would you behave differently if you new your person was out there and it was just a matter of time before you met?

With this positive mental attitude each rejection gets you closer to your person, not farther away. You approach dating with more confidence and curiosity instead of fear and judgment.

5. A Negative Attitude Repels Love

Negative people are not very fun to be around. They tend to bring the energy and mood down for everyone else. Is your negative attitude becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy?

It may feel comforting to commiserate with your friends about how frustrating online dating is. Many people bond on a first date by sharing their dating horror stories.

Is this the kind of relationship you desire? Where you bond over judgment, criticism, and negativity? Do you want to stop being the dark cloud that rains on everyone else’s happiness?

A Positive Mental Attitude Attracts Love To You

If you’re craving lasting love with someone who loves you for who you really are, you have to show up as who you really are. You learned your negative attitude. It’s not your true nature.

Start by being curious about the people you meet. Curiosity is very attractive.

Practice being curious with strangers you meet at the grocery store. Or be curious about people in the line at your coffee shop. Be curious about that stranger you’re meeting for the first time.

Your curiosity becomes a magnet to draw new people to you. Remember, every person you meet knows people you have not met yet. You never know where the introduction to your beloved will come from.

Taking time to examine your negative attitudes and making a daily effort to shift to a more positive attitude will transform your experience exponentially. You don’t have to change everything all at once. Attempting to will only lead to frustration and failure. Instead, pick one item from your list and focus on it for a few weeks. You’ll be surprised at how quickly everything in your life will get better.

If you recognize that your negative attitude is blocking you from love and want to switch to a positive mental attitude, order our debut book: GETTING IT RIGHT THIS TIME: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love (Penguin Random House 2025). You’ll go on a journey to identify your blocks to love, transform them to develop confidence, and manifest the long-lasting love relationship you desire.

The problem with the idea that love equals sacrifice is that it’s presented as if it’s akin to sainthood, but it’s not very practical or fulfilling. This common misconception about love — that you should satisfy your partner’s needs, and that somehow you’ll get your own needs met in the process — leads people to become bitter and cynical about love and relationships.

Does love equal sacrifice in other relationships? There are some relationships where sacrifice is part of the equation, like a parent with their child. Every good parent will make sacrifices for their children, however a romantic partnership between two consenting adults doesn’t require that you sacrifice your needs.

Sacrifice For A Relationship Is A Recipe for Toxicity

When you sacrifice for the relationship it’s unbalanced and can become toxic. Your partner gets their needs met while you’re running on empty. Allowing your partner’s desires to take precedence over yours fosters anger and resentment.

Believing that putting your partner first brings you closer together is a myth. It’ll only create distance between you. Your anger and resentment will grow until you cannot contain it, you’ll feel taken advantage of, and you can end up feeling unworthy of love.

The habit of going into sacrifice can be so ingrained that you won’t even be aware of your own desires because you’re too busy trying to make everyone else in your life happy. Does love equal sacrifice even if everyone else is happy? No relationship can survive when one of you is starving and the other one is satiated.

Being unclear of your wants and needs leaves you feeling like a little cork bouncing around on the ocean of life. Going into sacrifice will doom the relationship and you’ll end up believing that romantic relationships just aren’t meant to be for you.

Going into sacrifice for a relationship leaves you defenseless, like prey, to selfish and narcissistic partners. You may think you’re a magnet for these types of toxic relationships, but it’s the strategy of trying to earn love from someone unable to give it that has you stuck in this pattern.

No person can make you happy or feel loveable. Every person is in charge of their own happiness. A healthy relationship is a give-and-take between two people.  When you’re no longer in the habit of going into sacrifice in relationship, you can come together with a healthy partner. You’ll both be interested in satisfying each other’s needs and wants so that love and happiness can grow between you.

Does Love Equal Sacrifice? Only When Your Needs Are Also Met

When you swallow your feelings and put aside your wants and needs you’re going into sacrifice for a relationship. Abandoning yourself and hoping your partner fills the void by taking care of you leaves the door open for you to feel invisible in love.

The strategy of going into sacrifice for love has probably been in place since you were a child. Does love equal sacrifice when it was a learned behavior as a child? Breaking this habit of setting your needs aside attempting to earn love from someone else takes effort on your part and leads to building your self-esteem and self-confidence.

Start by exercising your “No.” When asked to do something for someone else get in the habit of responding with, “Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you.” Don’t commit until you’ve thought about it for a few days (at the very least).

If you have a habit of going into sacrifice for a relationship, speaking how you feel and asking for what you want will feel uncomfortable, so you must practice even before you’re in a relationship. Begin with friends and family that you’re close with and take a risk by expressing your desires.

There’s a learning curve to communicating your needs and wants, so be kind and compassionate with yourself as you find your voice and speak your truth. Perfection is not required, instead make an effort to break the bad habit of sacrificing for love, approval, or acceptance. Your goal is progress, not perfection.

You won’t suddenly become a different person, so don’t worry too much about going too far. Selfish people don’t worry about a balance of give-and-take, we’re not asking you to never consider someone else, we’re asking that you be conscious of always being the one to acquiesce.

Does Love Equal Sacrifice? 11 Things You Should NEVER Sacrifice For A Relationship

1. Your Needs

There are the things you want from a relationship and then there are things you need. Knowing the difference is essential because you can’t sacrifice your needs and be happy. You may want to be with someone who shares all of your hobbies, but that shouldn’t be a deal breaker. However, if you need someone to regularly share their feelings for you, that’s something you can’t sacrifice for a relationship.

2. Your Personal Boundaries

When you sacrifice your personal boundaries, you give your partner control over how you feel. You put your lovability into someone else’s hands. All relationships require boundaries. Love doesn’t mean that your partner can say or do anything to you. Respect comes with a boundary and learning to love another person respectfully makes sure you don’t go into sacrifice for a relationship and devalue yourself.

3. Your Feelings

Your feelings are always appropriate — there should never be a debate about them. Setting your feelings aside because you’re afraid to upset your partner, or allowing your partner to dismiss your feelings, or feeling responsible for your partner’s behavior or mood are all ways you sacrifice for a relationship. You have to believe that you are worthy of taking the uncomfortable steps to speak up. Own your feelings, express them, and let the chips fall where they may. The right person for you will want to know how you feel (and they’ll want you to be happy).

4. Your Need For Emotional Connection

Emotional connection is the lifeblood of a relationship, it’s the fuel that keeps the two of you connected. In order to feel emotionally connected to someone else you must be in the same physical space with them. It’s impossible if your partner never shares their feelings with you. In a healthy relationship both people regularly make time for emotional connection.

5. Your Personal Freedom

Your autonomy must be respected by your partner for love to thrive. You have the freedom to have your own thoughts, feelings, and opinions (that may be different from your partner’s), and to pursue your passions. No one should expect you to relinquish your personal freedom as that is a form of sacrifice in a relationship. Mutual respect for one another’s differences is a requirement for a healthy relationship.

6. Your Self-Respect

Having self-respect means you don’t sacrifice your values or integrity for your partner. You lose your self-respect when you tolerate people who don’t treat you well, apologize for something when you’ve done nothing wrong, and agree to help others at your own expense. You teach people how to treat you from the moment you meet, so never put up with a disrespectful person.

7. Your Self-Care

Love doesn’t require you to sacrifice your well-being for your partner. Self-care must be a priority for you whether or not you are partnered or single. Creating rituals that make your self-care a habit is a good strategy for never giving too much of yourself when you’re in a relationship. No person who truly loves you would expect you to neglect your own needs to serve theirs.

8. Your Happiness

What’s the point of being in a relationship that doesn’t add to your happiness? Or worse, requires you to sacrifice your happiness? Certainly, you’ll face challenges when you’re partnered, however, the good times must outweigh the bad. If your partner consistently inspires you to feel bad about yourself and your happiness is compromised by being in the relationship, then this is a toxic partnership. An ideal partner increases your joy on a regular basis.

9. Your Friends And Family

A partner who requires all of your time and puts the relationship you have with friends and family in jeopardy doesn’t have your best interests at heart. You get to decide the role your friends and family play in your life, and your partner should be supportive of your choices. If they’re not, then you probably don’t share the same values and you’ll find yourself in constant conflict and strife. Ultimately, you are your own authority.

10. Your Differences

No one should expect you to merge your identity with theirs and let go of your individuality. It’s your differences that brought you together and it’s your differences that keep the spark of chemistry and attraction alive. Whether you have different hobbies, spiritual beliefs, tastes in music, or dietary needs, embrace and respect your differences and your relationship will thrive.

11. Your Dreams And Goals

Your partner should be your biggest supporter, cheering you on and celebrating your wins. Anyone who asks you to give up your dreams is asking you to sacrifice your goals for theirs. In a healthy relationship, you support each other and work together to create something bigger than the two of you. This way your love continues to grow deeper.

Changing your habit of sacrificing for a relationship requires that you to put yourself first. You’ll be creating a new habit and that’ll take some trial and error. Be kind and compassionate with yourself as you begin this journey.

Ultimately, the love you seek is not out in the world; it’s inside of you. By creating a new relationship with yourself, one that is based on love and self-acceptance, you won’t be tempted to abandon yourself in relationship because you know that the love you seek can never be lost.

Expecting that someone would show up in your life and treat you any differently than how you treat yourself is out of integrity as well as unrealistic. By creating a new relationship with yourself and getting in rapport with yourself you’ll be able to make new choices and develop new strategies in relationship and never go into sacrifice for a relationship again.

If you’re tired of feeling angry and resentful in your relationships or you’re looking for a new way to create healthy loving relationship, order our debut book: GETTING IT RIGHT THIS TIME: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love (Penguin Random House 2025). You’ll go on a journey to identify your blocks to love, transform them to develop confidence, and manifest the long-lasting love relationship you desire.

Understanding why this keeps happening, and what to do about it, are the keys to breaking the pattern of self-sabotaging relationships and creating the long-lasting love you desire.

Self-sabotage is a tricky issue because ultimately it’s you that’s creating the problem, even when it appears to be the situation you’re stuck in, or the illusion that the issue is the other person.

Self-sabotaging relationships don’t just blow up on their own — you keep lighting the match (even though you may wish for it to work out).

If you’re stuck in a cycle of self-sabotaging relationships you likely know on some level that you’re the cause, yet you feel powerless to stop it.

When you understand why self-sabotage occurs, you can make changes in your approach to love. Knowing you’re stuck in self-sabotage syndrome makes all the difference in whether you can break the cycle and finally find long-lasting love with an ideal partner

If sharing your life with someone special is important to you, take a few minutes to go through this self-assessment and discover if you’re the source of your relationship troubles (and what to do about it if you are):

11 Reasons Why You’re Self-Sabotaging Your Chances At Love

1. You Have A Fear Of Intimacy

Allowing yourself to show up fully and be seen by your date can feel scary. What if they reject you or you get hurt again? It’s easy to believe that it’s just simpler to keep people at a distance so you can keep your heart safe.

Emotional intimacy is the glue that holds relationships together. If you can’t share your thoughts and feelings then your relationships will always be superficial without truly creating a bond. Withholding your inner life from a partner is a common source of self-sabotage.

2. You Have An Inner Conflict

Are you afraid that when you commit to someone long-term you’ll lose your freedom and independence? Do you believe you have to sacrifice your needs for the relationship to last?

When you have two beliefs or desires that seem to be the opposite of each other (like freedom vs. love), you’re stuck in an inner conflict. This internal conflict will self-sabotage any potential relationship because the struggle to get these opposing needs met creates a stalemate. You feel stuck and unable to resolve the irreconcilable desires inside of you.

The most difficult part of having an inner conflict is feeling stuck and ambivalent or even cynical about love. This rejection of the desire for love fools you into believing that love just isn’t meant to be for you.

3. You Are Out Of Rapport With Yourself

This is similar to an inner conflict but comes from being disconnected from your inner desires altogether. Being in rapport with yourself is knowing who you are and what’s important to you along with having empathy for yourself. When you’re out of rapport with yourself you aren’t connected to your feeling state or your inner dialogue.

A lack of rapport with yourself causes self-sabotage because you’re unaware of the actual motivation for your behavior. Being disconnected from your needs makes you unable to articulate your needs to a partner.

This lack of awareness causes you to act out in ways that are detrimental to your relationship, like blaming your partner for your upset, blowing off an important event, or even worse being unable to take responsibility for your part of a disagreement.

4. You Suffer From Low Self-Esteem, Lack Of Confidence, Or Insecurity

Projecting your insecurities and lack of belief in yourself onto your partner leads to relationship self-sabotage. Most people project some of their internal beliefs onto the world around them. Projecting your insecurities onto your romantic partner can cause you to feel overly jealous, question your partner’s affection for you, or believe that you’re inherently flawed in a way that makes you unlovable.

Whether you have low self-esteem, lack confidence, or feel insecure about yourself, your partner is not the cause, and cannot repair these limiting beliefs for you. Expecting your partner to fill the void inside of you will sabotage your chances at lasting love.

5. You Are Afraid Of Conflict

Avoiding conflict is one of the most common self-sabotaging behaviors in all relationships. Conflict is an inevitable part of living with other humans. Being able to work through your differences in a healthy way creates a bond and an emotional intimacy that cements the trust and love between you.

Ultimately, navigating through conflict together allows your love to grow deeper over time. Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away; it just creates an emotional chasm between you that blocks intimacy and connection.

Eventually going along to get along will create anger and resentment leaving you feeling unsatisfied and unable to tolerate your partner. You’ll be attached to the belief that they have failed you because your needs have gone unmet for so long.

6. You Rush To Trusting A Stranger

In a healthy relationship, over time your partner has earned the benefit of the doubt. They have proven themselves to be trustworthy and someone you can open your heart to. You’re self-sabotaging your relationships when you give someone the benefit of the doubt who hasn’t earned it yet.

Don’t give the benefit of the doubt to a stranger just because you find them attractive. The romance stage of relationship floods your brain with feel-good chemicals and clouds your judgment. Ignoring red flags because you really like someone is self-sabotaging behavior.

7. You Are Too Critical

Conversely, don’t be overly critical of someone who has proven themselves to be trustworthy. Letting little annoyances become big problems is self-sabotaging behavior.

Criticizing and judging all the ways in which you’re different and ignoring your partner’s strengths creates a wedge between you.

There’s some truth to the idea that opposites attract. Your differences are a benefit to your relationship if you embrace them and defer to each other’s strengths allowing your relationship to thrive.

Your partner will think differently than you and have different strategies for dealing with stress. Embracing your differences, instead of judging them is an important skill for love to last.

8. You Have Unrealistic Expectations

Putting unrealistic expectations on yourself, your partner, or the relationship creates feelings of disappointment and frustration, and sabotages your chances at love.

Your partner is not going to be everything for you or solve all your problems. Nor will they be a perfect person. Your partner will be a typical flawed human being, one that you’ll have to practice compassion and forgiveness with.

The unrealistic expectation that you’ll never have conflict or a misunderstanding with your beloved sets the bar so high, that no person can satisfy you.

9. You Are Holding Onto Anger And Resentment

There is a famous Buddha quote that says, “Holding onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Carrying resentment towards your partner poisons the relationship and sabotages the opportunity for love to grow and flourish.

You feel anger and resentment by sacrificing your needs and wants to keep the peace attempting to make your partner happy. Or you have the unrealistic expectation that your partner comes with mindreading powers and should just know what you need and want. You resent having to speak up and ask for yourself. You can’t sacrifice your needs and have a healthy thriving relationship.

10. You Are Avoiding Rejection

An easy way to avoid rejection is to never allow someone close to you so you never risk your heart. This is also a great way to self-sabotage your chances at love. Love requires risk and therefore not everyone you desire will desire you back.

If you strike first and reject others before they can reject you, you won’t get hurt, but you also won’t experience sharing your life with your soulmate. This self-sabotaging behavior keeps your heart safe, but your life empty.

11. Your Subconscious Programming Is Sabotaging You

Ultimately, self-sabotage comes from deep-seated beliefs about love and relationship that conflict with your desire for soul-satisfying long-lasting love. You learned about love in your family of origin and the beliefs, strategies, and emotional patterns you developed are still with you today.

These subconscious strategies are the driving force behind your self-sabotaging behavior. They highlight similar situations and cause you to recreate the same dynamic over and over again until you break the cycle and learn new strategies that open the door for a new way to select an ideal life partner.

How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Relationships

1. Take Responsibility For Your Situation

You can only stop self-sabotage when you realize that you are the source of the problem and therefore you are also the source of the solution. By taking responsibility for your patterns and your behavior, you put the power of changing it in your hands. You are the common denominator in all of your relationships.

You can’t change a problem that is outside of you. If the problem is men, women, your age, the city you live in, or how your parents treated you, then you’ll always feel like a victim. When you accept that you are the source of your self-sabotage, then you can begin the process of changing it.

2. Learn To Love And Accept Yourself

Every human being is flawed, it’s part of the human condition. Start today to accept and appreciate your limitations and flaws. Love and accept all the parts of you, the good, the bad, and the ugly. This may seem difficult at first because you may dislike certain aspects of yourself, but these shadow parts of you are components of your uniqueness and make you special.

Pick one aspect of yourself that you don’t like and begin a practice of appreciation. That part of you is trying to get you something you need. It just doesn’t have a good strategy for the desired result. Love your flaws and you’ll create room for transformation.

3. Affirm Your New Truth

Your inner dialog is a reflection of how you feel about yourself. Notice how often you criticize, judge, or are unkind to yourself. Begin a new inner dialogue that is loving, accepting, and kind instead (even when you make mistakes or just outright blow it).

You’re affirming your reality every day with how you converse with yourself in your mind. Are you self-critical or do you beat yourself up for a simple mistake? Change your inner dialog by starting a daily affirmation practice and you’ll begin to see shifts rather quickly.

4. Take Yourself On Inner Child Dates

Being disconnected from your inner child is the source of self-sabotage. By ignoring the child inside of you, you cause that little kid to act out to get your attention. These outbursts sabotage your relationships.

Reconnect with your inner child by taking her/him out on regular playdates. You’ll begin to develop rapport with yourself and break the cycle of self-sabotaging behavior. By reparenting yourself you get the opportunity to release the disappointments of your childhood and heal your heart.

5. Speak Your Emotional Truth

Don’t be afraid to share your emotions with those who are closest to you. The way to create intimacy and connection with another person is to share how you feel. Biting your tongue will only create more self-sabotaging behavior.

If you want to be loved and accepted as who you really are, then you need to show up authentically in your relationships. Don’t be an emotional volcano who only shares their emotions when they can’t hold them in any longer. Having emotional outbursts is not what we mean by sharing how you feel. Instead, do not let things pile up and clean up emotional messes as they arise.

6. Start Fresh Every Day

Changing your behavior is not a straight progressive line toward your goal. Some days you’ll do better and other days you’ll fail miserably. Commit to starting each day fresh, as if the mistakes of the previous day had not occurred. Develop a short memory of your failures and instead focus on your successes.

Small consistent acts create a profound transformation over time. It’s much better than trying to change everything all at once and feeling like a failure when you don’t succeed.

7. Ask For Help

Reconnecting with your inner child, coming into rapport with yourself, and healing emotional wounds isn’t always comfortable or easy. Seek guidance from a professional to speed up your progress. Your future does not have to look like your past. You can make profound changes in your life, but you can’t always do it on your own.

Love operates under the same universal laws as everything else. You wouldn’t expect to have a career just magically fall in your lap one day when it was meant to be. If you want great love in your life, perhaps it’s time to take action and get help from us.

We’ve been helping clients for over a decade release their self-sabotaging behaviors so they can take a new approach to love and dating and share their life with a beloved partner. If you don’t want just another boyfriend or girlfriend, sign up for a complimentary Discovery Call. Isn’t time you made having a long-lasting love relationship a priority?

Getting your needs met is not optional. But are you asking too much of him? How do you know the difference between being needy and being with a man who is incapable of meeting your needs?

Maybe you’re smothering him with your need for closeness. Or maybe he just needs more cave time alone to recharge. Navigating your differences is the key to lasting love but giving up what you require only leads to you feeling angry and resentful.

Knowing the difference between being needy or being in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable guy allows you to decide if the two of you are an ideal match long-term. If he can’t meet your needs most of the time you’ll have to move on and find someone who is better suited for you.

It only takes one person to change the dynamic in a relationship. It’s up to the person capable of doing the inner work to either strengthen the bond between you, or move on to someone else.

Am I Needy Or Is He Emotionally Unavailable?

The answer to this question isn’t as straightforward as you may think. If he’s emotionally unavailable, that could trigger you to act in ways that make you seem too needy. If you are needy that may cause him to emotionally close off from you. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

His pulling away could cause you to seek reassurance from him, which in turn pushes him away even more. When does seeking reassurance become a red flag that you are being needy?

In a healthy relationship, both of you can communicate your feelings, your wants, and your needs. This occurs without taking each other’s behavior personally. Additionally, you’re both comfortable spending time apart and feel secure within the relationship.

To gain insights, start off with a self-evaluation below, and be truthful with your answers.

How To Tell If You’re Too Needy

Being needy is a sure sign that you have low self-esteem and therefore don’t feel secure in your romantic relationship. These behaviors are a symptom of a more complex issue about your overall self-confidence. If you recognize yourself in these behaviors, then you’re probably the needy one.

Examine your patterns through the lens of your intimate relationships and ask yourself, “Is this feeling unique to this relationship, or have I been needy in all of them?”

How To Tell If He’s Emotionally Unavailable

He may be too emotionally immature for a healthy relationship, or he may have addiction issues. Whatever the cause, he’s not someone who’s going to make you feel confident in your relationship. Dating a guy with these traits leaves you feeling like you’re always on uneven ground, waiting for the other shoe to drop, or like walking on eggshells.

So, which is it? Are you needy or is he emotionally unavailable?

Being Too Needy vs Being Emotionally Unavailable

Do You Lose Your Sense Of Self?

If you can’t identify who you are outside of the relationship, you’re probably needy. Do you lose track of your friends and give up your routine every time you enter a new relationship? Are you able to integrate your boyfriend into your life or do you merge into his life leaving your routines behind?

A healthy relationship is where one whole and complete person comes together with another whole and complete person, and they form a new entity – the relationship. It’s not one where you go along to get along and lose your sense of self.

Are you needy? Yes, if you find you tend to merge with your partner and lose your individuality in the relationship.

Does He React Defensively?

Does he get defensive easily or take any feedback as criticism? Then he isn’t emotionally available or emotionally mature enough for a healthy relationship. This guy will leave you second-guessing yourself over and over again, and you’ll end up biting your tongue. Look for someone who can hear you without thinking that every request is an attack on his competency.

He’s emotionally unavailable if he’s incapable of hearing your feedback without getting angry and defensive.

Are You Jealous And Controlling?

Do you find yourself constantly checking in with your guy to see what he’s up to, or asking who he’s texting with? The need to constantly keep tabs on your partner means you’re under the influence of the green-eyed monster: jealousy.

Jealousy and control are signs of insecurity in relationship. You don’t trust yourself and you certainly don’t trust your partner.

Trust is the foundation of a lasting loving partnership. If you keep track of every move he makes in order to feel secure, then you are needy. Trusting someone requires that you know your value and that you’ll be okay no matter what.

Does He Think You’re Too Intense?

If he can’t handle your emotional expression, then he’s probably not the right guy for you. How you feel is not up for debate. Expressing your emotions is a normal part of being human and essential for a romantic relationship.

As long as you take responsibility for your feelings and aren’t taking them out on someone else, self-expression is a healthy part of every intimate relationship.

Your guy is emotionally unavailable if he can’t handle your emotional expression or is constantly asking you to tone it down. Share with him that your feelings are not something to negotiate and see if he is able to acknowledge your feelings without judgment.

Do You Seek Constant Reassurance?

The need for constant reassurance can be draining and damaging to your relationship. It’s one thing if you’re having a bad day or not feeling well and want a pick me up from your partner. It’s damaging to constantly look for reassurance of their love for you, their attraction to you, and their loyalty.

Are you needy? If you’re constantly looking for your partner’s reassurance to calm your insecurities about the relationship, then you probably are. Work at building your self-confidence by creating a new habitual inner dialog that supports your goals.

Does He Physically And Emotionally Withdraw?

An emotionally unavailable man will likely put physical distance between you as well. If he ghosts you and then reappears out of the blue, takes forever to respond to texts, or allows long gaps in between dates, then he’s not ready for an exclusive relationship.

Don’t be accommodating and take him back simply because he decided to show up again. Instead, have the uncomfortable conversation and ask him what has changed, make a specific request, and tell him how you feel when he disappears.

Do You Expect Him To Make You Happy?

No one is responsible for your happiness except yourself. If your partner is the source of your happiness, then you’re putting too much power in his hands and a burden on the relationship. An ideal relationship enhances your happiness, you don’t depend on it to feel good about yourself and your life.

Wondering if you’re needy or if he’s emotionally unavailable? Take inventory on if you have a full life, or if you’re waiting for a relationship to fulfill you. If you discover you’re the needy one, discover activities that bring you joy, spend time with your friends. Also make sure to take time for yourself to rejuvenate and recharge even when you’re in an intimate relationship.

Does He Constantly Joke Or Make Sarcastic Remarks?

If your guy can’t ever stop the stand-up routine or constantly makes sarcastic comments, then he’ll probably have trouble opening up and being sincere with you.

Sarcasm and a lack of sincerity become tedious over time. If he never lets you know how he feels about you and hides his criticisms by calling them jokes, it’s likely he’s emotionally unavailable.

Ask him how he feels and see if he’s willing to open up to you. If not, you’ll find yourself feeling more distant from him because he isn’t letting you into his heart.

Do You Dread Being Apart?

Sure, it feels reassuring and calming when you’re in his presence, however, if you get anxious when the two of you are apart then you might be needy. It’s normal to miss your partner but it shouldn’t trigger depression or anxiety if he goes away for a weekend.

Use time apart to focus on yourself, and other people in your life that are important to you. By cultivating the skill of being calm when apart you’ll heal your insecurities and become a better partner.

Does He Include You In His Life?

It’s a natural progression of the dating process to meet one another’s friends and family. He’s probably emotionally unavailable if he doesn’t ever introduce you to his inner circle or wants to keep your relationship a secret.

Ask to become part of his life, instead of being part of a secret romance. See if he’s willing to share his life, family, and friends with you.

Do You Rush Into Exclusivity?

Moving fast sexually, going exclusive after only a few dates, or moving in together right away are all signs that you have low self-esteem and are looking for the relationship to define you so you feel better about yourself.

You are needy if you feel an overwhelming impulse to throw caution to the wind for the relationship before you’ve met each other’s friends and family, been on a few trips together, and had some disagreements to overcome.

Slow love is the remedy to short-term relationships that don’t pan out. Make dating a process where you evaluate different prospects rather than rushing in.

The right match for you will want to take you off the market so you’ll have to be the one to put off exclusivity until he’s won your heart.

Does He Put Effort Into The Relationship?

Is he happy to let you do all the work while he reaps the benefits of your emotional and physical intimacy? He’s probably emotionally unavailable if he isn’t willing to step up and claim you. You don’t want to be in a relationship with someone willing to settle for you because you make it easy and you’re accommodating.

Notice whether he puts effort into moving the relationship forward and letting you know how he feels about you. Discover if he is capable of stepping up for you by making requests. His response to your requests, as well as his actions, will reveal whether he is emotionally available for a relationship or not.

Only You Can Change The Course Of Your Love Life

You can’t change negative patterns in your relationships without discovering the real problem. Whether you’re attracted to emotionally unavailable men, or you are needy and clingy in your relationships, neither is a good strategy for long-lasting love.

You’re not going to suddenly make an emotionally unavailable man open up to you, nor are you going to feel confident and value yourself overnight. The reality is that only you can change the course of your love life.

Identifying and healing your core relationship wounds is one of the most rewarding journeys you can take. When you embark on this inner journey you’ll also learn the skills for lasting love so you can select an ideal partner to share your life with.

Tired of being the needy one in your relationships? Or perhaps you’re stuck in a cycle, of attracting emotionally unavailable men? Either way, we can assure you that you can break these patterns and create the soul-satisfying, long-lasting love you desire.

If you’re looking for the key to developing your self-esteem and meeting emotionally available men, order our debut book: GETTING IT RIGHT THIS TIME: Break Free from Your Hidden Blocks to Lasting Love (Penguin Random House 2025). You’ll go on a journey to identify your blocks to love, transform them to develop confidence, and manifest the long-lasting love relationship you desire.

Everyone has had disappointments in life. Not every relationship works out the way you’d hoped, but that doesn’t mean that you have to build a fortress around your heart, close off your heart, and become a cynical person.

If you’re a disappointed romantic and find it difficult to reconcile the desire to share your life with someone special, along with the regrets and frustrations that have broken your heart then it’s time to take a look at how this self-fulfilling prophecy is keeping you from the one thing you desire most of all – long-lasting love with an ideal partner.

You may not like the label of being called a cynical person, so perhaps you’re just cynical about the opposite sex or about romantic love. Well, that cynicism is also keeping you single.

Being single isn’t the worst thing in the world — it only sucks when your heart desires to share life’s ups and downs with that one special person who sticks by you no matter what.

Did you roll your eyes just now reading that? Or unleash a heavy sigh? Are you contemplating closing this page so you can go on pretending you don’t ache for a beloved?

It doesn’t matter your age or your circumstances; when it comes to love you can always start again. This doesn’t mean you won’t go through cynical periods in your life, however, you don’t want to be defined as a cynical person because your cynicism is ultimately keeping you from the long-lasting love you desire and deserve.

You may secretly be hoping that your Mr. or Mrs. Right will come along and melt the walls around your heart, but let’s get real, that’s not going to happen. That would be the equivalent of being a princess locked in a tower expecting the handsome prince to cross the alligator filled moat and scale the walls to free you from the castle tower.

Let’s bring you back into the modern world to see how your cynicism is keeping you stuck and frustrated with your love life.

7 Ways That Being A Cynical Person Is Keeping You Single

1. A Cynical Person is Closed Off To New Experiences

As a cynic, you’ll be less likely to meet new people because you’re not open to new experiences. Meeting new people is essential in the dating process and sometimes just breaking out of your routine is required.

When you’re cynical you find yourself saying “No” to new experiences.

Why go to that party if you’re not going to meet anyone worth talking to? Thinking you’d better avoid online dating and dating apps. They’re full of fake people and scammers, right? It’s better to just stay home and binge another TV show, that way if you’re disappointed with the show you can move on and find something else to distract your aching heart.

It’s been long said that if you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done. If lasting love has eluded you thus far, staying open to new experiences is essential.

It’ll take effort to break out of your old patterns. The key is to take a risk but keep your expectations simple. You’re not going to meet your soulmate the first week you download Bumble. It’s going to take a little time, and you’re going to need to upgrade your dating strategies.

But if you don’t want to spend your life as a cynical person, then the effort will have been worth it.

2. A Cynical Person Is Jaded Against The Opposite Sex

Do you ever find yourself making blanket statements about men as if all men or women are basically the same? Maybe you spend time with your friends sharing your dating horror stories, convincing each other that it’s all just a waste of time.

A cynical person is suspicious and jaded against the opposite sex. If you think that all men only want sex, or all women are looking for a free meal then you’re just creating limiting beliefs that are keeping you single.

Don’t judge all members of the opposite sex just because you’ve met a few losers. A good man or a good woman is not a unicorn so stop expecting that you have to meet a mythical creature to find lasting love. Instead, take note of positive qualities that the people you meet have. Realize that most people don’t have a dating coach and are using dating strategies they learned when they were just teenagers.

This doesn’t mean that you excuse bad behavior, or give a stranger the benefit of the doubt. It means that you approach dating with an open heart and an open mind, curious to meet a new person. Keeping your expectations in check and allowing yourself to discover this new person.

As you age it makes sense that the shiny finish of idealism will wear off, or crack. Don’t put your heart on the line with every person that comes by. Instead, you must utilize discernment to decide whether or not to be open, rather than being suspicious of an entire gender.

3. A Cynical Person Can Never Be Satisfied

Part of the joy of romantic love is feeling a deep emotional connection to another person. The cynic is incapable of this experience because they can never be satisfied.

If you have a list of criteria that no person can live up to, then you won’t meet anyone worth dating. Finding fault with every person you go out with is an excellent strategy for never having to risk your heart.

Just because you don’t see everything you’re looking for in someone’s profile or they list a hobby you don’t enjoy, doesn’t mean that you can’t create a connection with them or share coffee for a first meet. You aren’t looking for an opposite-sex version of yourself, nor are you looking for someone who embodies some unattainable list you’ve created.

You’re looking for someone who you’re attracted to who shares your values. Someone willing to do what it takes to make a relationship work. There are plenty of people who fit this description. Letting your guard down so you can meet them is essential.

Plus, someone who is interested in a relationship with you will want to you be interested in them as well. If you can’t be satisfied, then no one will ever satisfy you.

4. A Cynical Person Is Focused On What They Don’t Want

You can’t create the opposite of what you don’t want. Manifesting 101 teaches that you have to get clear on what you really want and what inspires you.

If you are feeling cynical about love it’ll be difficult to know what inspires you.

Knowing what you don’t want keeps your focus on the negative and only draws in more of what you dislike. Certainly, you want to avoid dating addicts or narcissists and probably should know the warning signs if this is an issue for you.

Putting your attention on what you want to avoid forces you to focus on what you don’t want. The more emotional energy you put towards avoiding certain types of people, the more you’ll fixate on those types of people. What you focus on grows, so don’t put your attention toward avoiding the pain of the past.

Think about the people you know who are always focused on the negative. Are they happy? Are they successful? Success in life and love requires that you put your energy toward what inspires you and brings you joy.

5. A Cynical Person Pushes Away Positive People And Positive Experiences

Openness and curiosity are attractive qualities. When you are feeling cynical you aren’t open or curious. Instead, you’re stuck in judgment and skepticism.

You can’t enjoy yourself when you’re stuck in judgment. And you’re certainly not very fun to be around. The truth is all judgment is self-judgment. And when you’re cynical about love, you’re actually judging your inability to make love last.

Open to compassion for yourself and the fact that you’ve had disappointments in love. Allow yourself to grieve the past and learn to let it go. Using your past disappointments as proof that love isn’t in the cards for you creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Embrace a little positivity. Look for the good that exists around you. Put your focus on couples who are happy so that you can rekindle your hope. Allow their love to be proof for you that love is possible for you too.

6. A Cynical Person Is Unable To Be Sincere

Sarcasm is the language of cynics – and sincerity is the language of lovers. Sarcasm and joking allow you to speak your truth while hiding under the cover of a “joke” when your truth is rejected.

Intimacy requires sincerity and authenticity. That’s how you connect to another human being. When you’re being sarcastic, you can’t connect with others. You won’t feel seen or understood. Instead, you’ll set yourself apart from others and feel even more disconnected.

To feel seen, understood, and ultimately accepted by another person you’ll need to speak your authentic truth. When you’re authentic and that person responds in kind then you’ve created a true connection. This is the real intimacy that the romantic in you desires, and there is no better feeling in this life.

7. A Cynical Person Is Trying To Protect Their Heart

Ultimately cynicism is a strategy for protecting yourself from further disappointment. You’re attempting to cover the hurt that things haven’t worked out the way you’d hoped. And while your heart may be protected from feeling any further disappointment, you’re also preventing yourself from experiencing love and connection with another person.

Love requires that you open your heart and take a risk. You may experience more setbacks on your journey to love, but these are temporary. Just because it hasn’t worked out for you doesn’t mean that you’re cursed. It just means that you need a new approach to love and perhaps some support to shed your limiting beliefs that have kept you stuck.

You can’t protect yourself from heartache, but you can set yourself up for success. If you are interested in exploring a new way to create the love you want, then join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Call. We’ll share how you can approach love with a whole new strategy that actually has proven results.