Falling in love is the easy part of a relationship. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been with someone for 3 months, 3 years, or 3 decades, getting over a breakup is hard. For some people, the pain is so intense it’s physical.

Heartbreak can feel like it is the end of the world, so it’s important to remind your brain that the world will keep on turning. The sun will continue to rise and set, your heart will continue to beat, and your breath will still expand and contract your lungs. You are going to be okay.

How Long Does It Take To Heal From A Breakup?

There is no set time limit on how long it takes to get over a breakup, but how you approach your breakup can either speed up your healing or delay it indefinitely. What you resist persists, as the old saying goes.

Holding on to hope that he will change his mind and come back to you or that the two of you can work things out will keep the wound open and fresh, preventing you from healing your heart.

Also, pushing your feelings down will keep your heart guarded keeping you from healing and being open to a new relationship. Don’t decide now that love is not meant for you just because it didn’t work out. The opportunity for lasting love with an ideal partner is always available to you if you keep your heart open and learn from this experience.

How To Get Over A Breakup When The Pain Feels Unbearable?

Step One: Feel All Of Your Feelings

It may seem counter-intuitive because the pain of heartbreak can be intense, but the only way to release the pain is to go through it to the other side. Rather than going numb or attempting to shove down all those icky emotions – feel all of your feelings.

Your mind will play tricks on you and tell you that you will never feel happy again. This is a lie. The one thing you can count on is that your feelings will change.

You won’t feel bad forever so instead of trying to avoid all those crappy feelings, dig in and allow yourself to feel them. Be angry or sad. Allow yourself to cry and scream. Even spend time feeling sorry for yourself. All your feelings are appropriate.

Eventually, you’ll find that your feelings will come and go like waves crashing to the shoreline. The hurt will recede and you will soon discover moments of relief that grow in time throughout the day, and you’ll feel somewhat normal. Soon these moments will blossom and multiply and soon you’ll be feeling better more often than not.

Why Do Breakups Hurt Even When You Wanted It?

Let’s face it, you had hope when the relationship started. You wanted it to work out. It’s not like you entered the relationship believing it would end.

The pain you feel when you initiate a breakup is there because your hopes are dashed. It is a normal, natural feeling, and it is appropriate for this current situation. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of hope and you’ll begin to heal from the breakup.

How To Get Over A Breakup, Even When You Wanted It?

Step Two: Allow Yourself To Grieve

A big part of knowing how to get over a breakup is to acknowledge the loss. Instead of wondering if you made a mistake, ruminating over what was said during the breakup, or even wishing things were different between the two of you, just book time in your calendar to grieve and mourn the loss.

Obsessing over the details of the relationship and the breakup will only keep you stuck. You won’t be able to move on because your brain is looking for a solution to your pain. There is no logical solution to your heartbreak or why the relationship ended.

Just like not getting a job you really wanted, a breakup is just another loss. Remind your brain that you’ve been through other losses and recovered. The pain you are feeling is a natural response.

Grief is a natural response to a loss. You had hope that this relationship would last. It is appropriate to mourn the loss of the life you thought you had, and now your life is changing, and you are moving in a new direction.

Begin the healing process by referring to the relationship in the past tense. The two of you were partners, and you used to be together. Like ripping off a band-aid quickly, the sooner you do this, the faster you will feel better overall.

How to get over a breakup even when you initiated it? Acknowledge the loss and begin the process of mourning.

How Do You Move On When Your Ex Is Still Part Of Your Life?

It’s hard to heal your heart when you keep running into your ex at social events. Are you supposed to just stay home and never see your friends again? What if you share children or a business together?

It’s difficult to heal your heart when you continue to see the person who broke it. If this keeps happening to you, it’s time to set some boundaries and create a safe space for you in the world.

How To Get Over A Breakup Even When Your Ex Still Contacts You?

Step Three: Set A Clear Boundary

Part of knowing how to get over a breakup is taking steps that move you towards healing your heart so you can release your ex and move on. Set a clear boundary and make a direct request of your ex so you can hasten the healing process.

By setting a clear boundary you are exercising the right to protect yourself. You may want to make a clear request that your ex does not contact you in any way. This gives you the gift of space and time so that you can process the separation, grieve, and move on.

Setting a boundary is also an act of self-care. Your heartache is a wound that requires healing. Every time you have contact with your ex it is like you are tearing off the scab of that wound and slowing down the healing process.

If you co-parent with your ex you may need to have contact. Dealing with a joint business or settling finances may require that you communicate with your ex. Limit all communication with your ex to the absolute necessities. If you must continue to communicate it is important that you set clear rules about how/when/where. Don’t ever feel like you must respond immediately if your ex does contact you. Wait before you say or do something that will re-engage the two of you. Most situations do not require your immediate response, and many require no response at all.

The desire to reach out to your ex because you crave the emotional intimacy that the two of you used to share should be avoided. You also have no obligation to respond to your ex if he is reaching out to you to see how you are doing. These types of conversations may seem innocuous, but they will keep you from healing your heart and moving on with your life.

Allow yourself to feel angry about the breakup if it will be put to productive use. Setting and keeping a clear boundary is an excellent place to channel anger so you can release your ex and move on.

How to get over a breakup when you must continue communicating with your ex? Set clear boundaries and take care of yourself first.

Getting Into A Relationship Too Fast After A Breakup

When a relationship ends you may find yourself tempted to get back out there dating and meet someone new hoping that new love can help you get over a breakup. Be wary of that feeling you get when you meet the perfect person to distract you from your breakup.

Most rebound relationships are just an excuse to help you keep your mind off your ex. And if you aren’t careful, you’ll end up hurting someone else along the way.

Instead of rushing into a new relationship, take time to learn from past mistakes and negative patterns, and you’ll be better prepared for lasting love the next time with someone better suited for you.

How To Get Over A Breakup Without Rushing Into A New Relationship?

Step Four: Search For The Golden Nugget

After you’ve taken some time to grieve, and you know you’ll be okay without your ex, it’s time to do the deep healing of releasing your ex for good.

There is a point in the future when you will feel grateful for the relationship and how it helped you grow. You can speed up this learning by taking intentional steps to find the Golden Nugget of Learning.

In order to do this, start by journaling about the relationship and what you learned from the experience. Maybe the relationship patterns with your ex were unhealthy and you need to discover how to change those patterns for good. Or your ex could have been instrumental in motivating you to improve your communication skills. Or perhaps you’ve discovered that you abandoned your own needs and you’ve committed to never doing that again.

Take time to discover the most important nugget from the relationship. Learning this lesson will release you from your desire to get back with your ex. You’ve discovered the Golden Nugget when you feel grateful for the whole experience of having had the relationship so you can become a better, more evolved, version of yourself.

Once you mine the relationship for the Golden Nugget you will no longer pine for your ex because the attachment to the relationship will be severed.

How to get over a breakup and become a better person in the process? Find the Golden Nugget of Learning and release your ex for good.

Accepting A Breakup

A breakup can lead you to a much-needed breakthrough if you are willing to grow through the pain to discover a new and improved version of yourself.

Ultimately, when your heart breaks it’s not broken for good, it actually breaks open to hold more love. It may feel like your heart is broken beyond repair when in reality it is simply larger – you can give and receive even more love.

If you are unable to allow your heart to break open, you could get stuck feeling angry and resentful. Holding onto your anger while also fantasizing about hurting your ex simply keeps you from healing and finding a better-suited person.

Be willing to do the deep introspection that heals your heart and allows you to put your ex in the past.

How To Get Over A Breakup And Find Acceptance?

Step Five: Start Practicing Forgiveness

There is no such thing as a perfect person. Everyone is perfectly imperfect. You love someone for their uniqueness and often it’s their imperfections that leave an imprint on your heart.

Opening to forgiveness is another way to leave your ex in the past and move on for good. Forgiveness ultimately is for you. You get to be free! Forgiving your ex does not mean you ever have to communicate with them. You can do your forgiveness work on your own.

Forgiving your ex does not excuse their behavior. Instead, forgiveness releases you from holding onto any anger and resentment that is poisoning your happiness and joy. Staying angry about your ex and becoming cynical about love only hurts you.

You may also have to forgive yourself for any missteps you made in the relationship. Beating yourself up isn’t helping you move on, nor does it make you a better person.

Forgive yourself for any mistakes and release feelings of guilt and shame. Resolve to become a better person in your next relationship.

How to get over a breakup and open your heart to more love? Forgive yourself and your ex for the fact that the two of you are human and bound to make mistakes.

You may feel like the pain of a breakup will last forever and you’ll never find that kind of love again. Take an intentional approach to your heartbreak and you’ll discover that your next relationship is healthier, more loving, and more fulfilling than any of your past relationships.

Looking for some support in getting over a breakup and opening your heart to love again? Book a Breakthrough Call with us. This complimentary private call will allow you to connect with us so you can find out if we are the coaches for you.

Breakups are painful and the added frustration when you can’t stop thinking about your ex will stress you out. All the time and energy spent worrying over what went wrong can impede your ability to focus on anything else.

Don’t despair, there’s a way out of this pain. You don’t have to feel heartbroken forever. A greater and more fulfilling relationship is waiting for you on the other side of this healing journey. If you want to know how to stop thinking of your ex continue reading…

What Do You Do When You Can’t Stop Thinking About Your Ex? Follow These Steps To Stop Obsessing And Discover How To Love Again.

1. Cut Out The Source Of Your Pain

The urge to track your ex on social media or to drive by their place can become obsessive. This habit is exacerbated if they’re reaching out to see how you’re doing or rehash the situation. It feels impossible to not respond.

This is keeping your wounded heart from healing; unable to focus on anything else. Your sleep, your work, and your physical and mental health begin to suffer.

When you can’t stop thinking about your ex, start by cutting off all contact. If you share children, keep it about logistics and leave your emotions out of it. Block them on all social media. Their feed will be hidden so you don’t inadvertently see what they’re up to and it’ll deter the urge to go looking for their posts.

2. Set Boundaries So You Have Guardrails For Communication

Set a boundary by telling your ex to cease all contact with you for a minimum of thirty days. If they don’t honor your request, do not answer their call in the moment or immediately respond to a text. Let them leave a message so you can decide what to do. You can check your messages when convenient and take a few moments to make a plan and be mindful about how to handle it.

Change their name in your phone to “Do Not Answer.” You’ll always follow directions from yourself. It’s more effective than deleting their contact. Add their name to the company spot or put their name in the notes section. This way you’ll know who called whether or not they left a message.

Don’t drive by their place, read over past text exchanges, or relitigate your disagreements in your mind. Your heart is like an open wound and each time you look back it keeps that wound fresh not allowing your heart to heal.

How to stop thinking of your ex? Take the most difficult step by cutting off all contact to end the source of your pain. Time will allow your heart to recover and each day with zero contact brings you closer to peace of mind.

3. Get Clear On Why You’re Obsessing

One of the biggest myths about romantic love is that there’s only one person for you. Going through a breakup you may feel like you failed. You may even believe that lasting love isn’t meant to be for you.

The attachment that you have to your ex isn’t actually about them. It’s an attachment to a feeling that you believe only they’re capable of giving you. Your fixation with them is an obsession to get that feeling back — this is an impossible task.

You can’t stop thinking about your ex because on some level you believe that you won’t ever feel this way with another person. You see them as the source of love, but your feelings about your ex have nothing to do with them. You don’t get love from another person. The truth is that the love you seek is already inside of you.

Your ex is not a unicorn. They aren’t the only person you can be happy with. They’re not the only person that will choose you. If you’re stuck in a pattern of wanting to win them back, this is the key to breaking a toxic pattern inside of you. If wanting what you can’t have is familiar to you then there’s more inner work for you to do.

Your goal is to ensure that the longing no longer draws you in. We call this a love imprint match. And healing this core wound will change how you select a partner moving forward.

How to stop thinking of your ex? Shower yourself with love and compassion. Increase your self-care and set boundaries for your grieving. Set aside time to feel your feelings and work through your hurt and sadness.

4. Stop Blaming Yourself

Part of your obsession with your ex is a belief that you did something wrong to push them away. Maybe you weren’t capable of meeting their needs. Maybe you said or did something that created a wedge between you. Maybe they left you for someone else and you find yourself constantly wondering why they prefer this new person over you.

You can’t stop thinking about your ex because you’re stuck blaming yourself for what went wrong. All these thoughts aren’t useful and keep you stuck on trying to win them back, attempting to prove to them that you’re the right person for them.

Your soulmate will love you regardless of conflicts that arise, no matter what you say or do. Their commitment to the relationship means they’ll work through problems with you. A long-lasting relationship is with someone who puts in the work to get past your differences and conflicts to create a stronger bond.

You can’t say or do the wrong thing with the right person. If they were your person, your beloved, your soulmate, (whatever you call it), they would stick it out with you. They would take responsibility for the dance you’ve been doing together. They won’t expect you to be perfect and they will have compassion for your mistakes.

Just because you’re not perfect doesn’t mean that you don’t get lasting love. In fact, it’s your imperfections that the right person will fall in love with. They are the things that make you uniquely you.

How to stop thinking of your ex? Forgive yourself for any mistakes you’ve made and know that the right person is willing to work through your conflicts to form a deeper connection.

5. Let Go Of The Hope They Will Come Back

Hoping your ex will change their mind and come back to you will suck all your time away. This hope is the last piece keeping your heart longing for reconciliation.

You must kill the hope they’ll return in order to heal your broken heart.

It may seem harsh, but killing the hope is what must be done when you can’t stop thinking about your ex. Hope is the first thing that enters a relationship and it’s the last thing to leave. If you’ve made best efforts that’s all you can ask of yourself.

Holding onto hope keeps you stuck, and as long as you hold onto it your heart won’t be free to love again.

How do you stop thinking of your ex? Let go of any remaining hope of reconciliation and allow yourself to grieve the loss.

To embrace healing, choose to feel all your feelings, the sadness, the hurt, the anger, and maybe even the guilt about what happened. It may seem like these feelings will never cease, but the truth is all your feelings are temporary.

Have you ever felt happy and thought that it would last forever? Have you felt this way about joy or bliss? You understand that these positive feelings are temporary and just enjoy them while they’re present.

However, with your pain, you get stuck believing it’ll never end. When you allow yourself to feel your feelings, you allow your feelings to flow through you and to be replaced by something else.

Like ocean waves crashing to the shore, your emotions wash over you and then recede only to be replaced by another emotion.

Schedule time to feel the loss. Let your grief flow through you. Eventually, optimistic and positive feelings will find their way into your days.

6. Discover The Key To Creating Something Even Better

Even though the relationship didn’t work out, your ex showed up in your life for a reason. When you can’t stop thinking about your ex look for The Golden Nugget of learning. This is the reason they showed up and what they came to teach you.

You can imagine that life is like a game that’s constantly challenging you to become a better version of yourself. People show up in your life to reveal where you can still grow. Painful experiences offer some of the best opportunities for growth if you allow yourself to evolve through them.

Journal about what you learned about yourself and about romantic relationships from your ex. Some people teach you in the light by being a positive influence on you. Others teach you in the dark by challenging you to no longer accept the unacceptable.

You know you’ve found The Golden Nugget when you feel grateful for the relationship because of what it taught you about yourself and pointed you in a new direction course-correcting so you can grow toward your beloved.

This attitude of gratitude allows you to release any attachments to your ex. Now that you’ve gained the learning you don’t need or want them in your life anymore!

How do you stop thinking of your ex? Become a better version of yourself by finding the gratitude from your relationships that didn’t work out. The new and improved version of you will take better care of yourself and have more confidence too.

7. Get Clear On What You Really Want

Most people date backwards and let their feelings guide them. They meet a stranger who triggers feelings of attraction and excitement, and they believe they’ve met their soulmate. Don’t put your lovability in the hands of a stranger!

Instead, create your ideal relationship by crafting your unique vision of your soulmate relationship. Bring your vision into crystal clear focus.

This isn’t about the details of the person – discard the idea of who they are – instead embrace the vision of how they make you feel about yourself, and how you relate to one another. You can even include how you move through conflict together.

Instead of getting attached to a stranger who triggers all the good feelings, craft the vision of the relationship first and then see which dates are a match to your true desires.

When you can’t stop thinking about your ex, you’re still stuck in the pain of a broken heart. The truth is that when your heart breaks, it breaks open to hold even more love.

Healing a broken heart can be messy and it’s perfectly okay to hop and skip around with good days and bad days. On the bad days don’t deny your pain — your feelings are appropriate. Be patient and loving with yourself because healing isn’t a straight trajectory.

When you finally accept that your ex isn’t the source of love and that you hold that within yourself, then you’re ready to create the soul-satisfying, long-lasting love you desire.

Would you like support on the journey of healing your broken heart? Join us for a complimentary Soulmate Strategy Session. This private time will allow us to get to know you so we can share specifics on how to mend your heart and move on to your soulmate.

As Holistic Dating Coaches it’s important for us to teach our clients how to keep love alive once they’re with their beloved life partner. Since 2009 we’ve been helping singles identify and transform their hidden blocks to love — that alone is not enough!

Lasting love isn’t something that just happens when you meet some mystical “right” person. Love requires you regularly take actions to nurture it. Falling out of love isn’t a mysterious process that just happens, it’s the result of ignoring issues that come between you.

It’s not inevitable or destined for you to fall out of love. If you recognize the signs that the spark is fading, you can rekindle your love and strengthen the connection between you.

11 Signs You’re Falling Out Of Love

1. You’re Avoiding Conflict

Conflict is inevitable in an intimate relationship. This doesn’t mean that it has to blow up into an argument, but you’ll have to deal with challenges, miscommunication, and differences. The problem is most people are conflict-avoidant and this can cause you to fall out of love.

When you avoid conflict, you create an emotional distance between you. Issues tend to fester, and like a volcano eventually erupt. This type of argument gets ugly and doesn’t go well; neither of you feels good about what happened so you begin the cycle again and go back to avoiding conflict. Or you just sit on your grievances and never address them, letting the resentment build up between you.

To avoid falling out of love and break the cycle address issues as they arise instead of avoiding them. Rather than looking for agreement simply be authentic and share how you feel. Use “I” language to avoid pointing the finger at your partner. Ultimately, conflict can lead to a deeper connection if you take responsibility for your part and steer clear of blame.

2. You’re In A Never-Ending A Power Struggle

Every relationship will progress from the romance stage to the power struggle stage. When the chemical high of falling in love wears off, you’re left with a bit of a hangover. A lot of people mistake this for falling out of love. Hence, the phrase, “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

The power struggle stage allows each person to individuate within the relationship. It can be a battle of egos with both of you fighting to be right. You want your partner to agree with you or see things your way. It feels like the two of you are at odds and you’re in a tug of war. It’s easy to think that because you’re in a power struggle that this is not your person. This stage is a natural occurrence and not a sign that you’re falling out of love. No couple will skip the power struggle stage of a relationship!

Instead, let go of the rope and make a choice to put aside your ego. It only takes one person to change the dynamic and find your way out of the power struggle stage. Breaking the cycle occurs when you both choose the relationship over your ego desires and create a new habit of deferring to one another’s strengths.

3. You’ve Sacrificed Your Needs

Putting aside your needs to keep the peace and avoid conflict at all costs will only breed anger and resentment. You can’t go without your needs being met for too long; it will eat away at your self-worth and your happiness.

Going into sacrifice as a strategy to earn love causes an imbalance in the relationship. Only one person’s needs are being met causing an imbalance that is not sustainable and eventually you’ll fall out of love.

To avoid growing resentment and falling out of love, speak up and ask for what you need. This risk will pay off because you can connect emotionally with your partner. They may surprise you and gladly step up to meet your needs. Someone who loves you wants you to feel happy and is more than willing to give you what you need.

4. You’re Not Expressing Your Feelings

Whether you’re feeling loving toward your partner or frustrated, if you don’t say something they won’t know. Emotional intimacy is created by speaking your feelings regularly. You can fall out of love when you don’t connect emotionally and fall into the trap of making assumptions.

Your partner doesn’t come with special mind-reading powers. Just because you’re thinking of your partner or doing things for them, doesn’t mean that they are feeling loved.

Conversely, if you are upset about something don’t swallow your feelings. Speak up. Keep your emotional sink clean by regularly cleaning up your disagreements and sharing your upset, no matter how minor. You’ll feel better having expressed it and you can use the situation to create stronger emotional intimacy ensuring you don’t fall out of love.

5. You Don’t Value The Same Things

While you don’t need to share the same hobbies or interests for love to grow between you, you do need to be on the same page about the important things in life. If you have different goals or conflicting visions for your relationship, you’ll end up feeling alone. Also, when you don’t value the same things, it’s more difficult to to get back on the same page creating further disconnection.

The spark of chemistry when you first meet will fade quickly if you don’t share values. To avoid falling out of love over time, make sure you don’t rush to exclusivity in the beginning. Date with discernment, move forward slowly, evaluate over time and choose a partner wisely using your head as well as your heart.

6. You’ve Taken Off Your Rose-Colored Glasses

During the high of the romance phase of a relationship, you’ll see your partner in their best light and ignore the things that could be an issue. You end up giving this person you barely know the benefit of the doubt before they’ve earned it. Once the romance fades, you may notice that you’ve become critical of your partner.

It’s like you took off your rose-colored glasses and now you see your partner in the harsh light. You’ve stopped giving them the benefit of the doubt, even though they’ve probably earned it. Focusing on all the small things that annoy you about your partner will cause you to fall out of love.

Instead, don’t wear rose-colored glasses from the beginning. Wait until your partner has proven themselves and earned the benefit of the doubt. Once you’ve made it through the power struggle stage together you can put your rose-colored glasses on and focus on what you love about them.

7. You’re Complaining To Others Rather Than Speaking To Your Partner

A common way to fall out of love is to complain to your friends and family about your partner. You end up receiving advice that’s not helpful and judgments that don’t take the whole situation into account. Most complaints happen because you’re looking for agreement or ammunition to defend your point of view. You’re not in a war with your partner and you don’t need to seek allies to support your side.

Sharing your intimate details or disagreements with others breaks the trust between the two of you and can exacerbate feeling disconnected. An intimate relationship is sacred and should be handled with kid gloves to avoid breaking trust.

The only person you need to talk to when there’s an issue is your partner. Don’t talk behind their back and get advice from your friends about what you should or shouldn’t do. Keep your relationship private and protected from outside influences. If you have any issues that you can’t resolve then seek professional help, not the council of your friends and family.

8. You Have Unrealistic Expectations

In this modern world where people pair up for love rather than security or a family arrangement, it’s common to have an unrealistic expectation of marriage. Believing that with your soulmate you’ll never have any problems or conflicts creates unrealistic expectations of your relationship. Perfectionism can cause you to be overly critical of your partner, holding them to too high of a standard. Or your fear of conflict can trigger you to try to control your partner in times of stress.

Having unrealistic expectations will cause you to fall out of love because no one can live up to a fantasy. All relationships move through five stages and the second one trips people up because no couple skips the power struggle stage. Even with your soulmate, you’ll have misunderstandings, disappointments, and conflicts. Learning to turn those conflicts into a deeper connection is one of the skills for lasting love.

9. You’ve Stopped Making Sex A Priority

In the beginning, you can’t keep your hands off each other. It doesn’t matter how tired or busy you are, it’s easy to find time for sex. As the two of you relax into the mundane day-to-day rhythm of your lives together, it’s harder to find time for intimacy. Or you may find that your love life becomes a little stale.

These transitions don’t have to cause you to fall out of love. You can rekindle the romance by sharing your fantasies or out-of-the-box desires. The biggest erogenous zone is the space between your ears. How you’re thinking about your partner can create a change in your desire for them. Schedule time to connect emotionally as well as physically and your love will continue to grow.

10. Feedback Becomes Criticism

When requests or suggestions start to feel like criticisms, you’re in danger of falling out of love. In your defensiveness, you’re shifting the blame onto your partner for your feelings of criticism, or you take their feedback as an accusation. It becomes impossible for your partner to discuss issues between the two of you.

Speaking how you feel and making requests is important in a relationship. You both won’t come together intuitively knowing what the other wants or needs. Most people share love in the way they want to receive it without being curious about what their partner desires.

Stop taking your partner’s feedback as criticism and get curious about what they need. There is usually a deeper need underneath the request that is putting extra energy into their communication. Or you may have a sensitivity about their suggestion. Taking things personally will create a wedge between you and you’re in danger of falling out of love.

11. You’re Not Dealing With Your Triggers

Everyone has triggers from their childhood wounds. Issues around safety, communication, or personal space can become flashpoints for conflict. When triggered your conscious mind goes offline, and you’re operating from a survival instinct of fight, flight, or freeze.

Your partner is not responsible for your triggers. They weren’t in your life when the circumstances that created them occurred. If you’re blaming your partner for your triggers then you will fall out of love because you don’t feel safe.

Acknowledging your triggers and discussing them with your partner can help create empathy and compassion. Having tools to calm yourself down and becoming a master of your emotional life will allow you to manage your triggers. It’s unrealistic to think you won’t get triggered in a relationship. Being open with each other will create more intimacy and trust between you, allowing you to stay connected and not fall out of love.

An intimate romantic relationship requires continual care and attention. Love doesn’t last because of luck, fate, or destiny. Love lasts because you don’t take your partner for granted, stay curious about them, and regularly take risks to be authentic.

If you want to know how to create a relationship that stands the test of time, you’ll need to know the natural progression that every relationship goes through. We call this roadmap, “The 5 Stages of Relationship.’’ Download this free report here and discover the skill set for lasting love.

I have a question about the guy I’ve been seeing. Recently, I broke up with him and he didn’t chase me. At the time of the breakup, I didn’t think I wanted him to chase me, but now it seems weird to me. I’m completely perplexed that he hasn’t reached out at all. It’s been several weeks and he hasn’t texted or called me. I’m starting to wonder if there was ever anything real between us.

We were together for over 3 years, but the last 8 months we hadn’t been getting along and had a lot of arguments. I couldn’t take it anymore and after our last argument, I was done with the relationship. Part of me is happy to be done with the tug-of-war we’ve been going through and part of me really misses him and wonders why he didn’t chase me. Should I reach out to him? What’s wrong with me that I want him to chase me to get me back?”

Hi Jasmine,

Initiating a breakup can be a difficult decision and it makes sense that you’re confused and asking us, “Why didn’t he chase me?” Just because he didn’t chase you doesn’t mean he has no feelings for you. There are hundreds of possible reasons why he hasn’t reached out to you since the breakup and we don’t think it’s helpful for us to speculate about his behavior.

Since you’re reaching out for help it’s clear that you’re conflicted about the decision to break up with him and asking yourself, “Why he didn’t chase me?” Conflicting feelings can create a lot of confusion and it can be difficult to think clearly.  Let’s see if we can help you gain clarity so you can feel better and be more resourceful.

What Does It Mean That He Didn’t Chase You?

This is the most important question to ask yourself right now. Wanting him to chase you and wanting to get back together are two different things. It appears your upset that he didn’t chase you comes from a need for validation — it doesn’t come from love.

Looking for validation may mean that you lack self-esteem or confidence. If he were to chase you the void inside of you will be filled from the outside. Unfortunately, that isn’t a healthy relationship dynamic. Needing your partner to confirm your worth or to feel better about yourself creates an imbalanced power dynamic.

This need for validation keeps you obsessing about the fact that you broke up with him and he didn’t chase you. Your need for validation conflicts with the part of you that knows you two are not a good fit for the long term.

Inner Conflicts Create Confusion

Your conflicting feelings have you stuck in a double bind. A double bind is an internal conflict that is created from having to choose between two equally unsatisfactory choices. You could either get back together with him and continue fighting or you could let him go and stop wondering why he didn’t chase you. Either way, you have to deal with the decisions you’ve made and actions you’ve taken.

The problem with a double bind is that it leaves you feeling stuck and unable to move forward in life. If you stay stuck long enough, you’ll feel apathetic about starting over again with someone new. The inner struggle can leave you feeling drained and unmotivated.

You can release a double bind by taking specific steps toward reclaiming your power. Just because you broke up with him and he didn’t chase you doesn’t mean you have to continue obsessing over the situation.

Take Responsibility For Your Decisions

Right now, it seems that you used the breakup to see if he truly cares for you. Once you take responsibility for ending the relationship you will feel better. No one forced you to break up with him. You made the decision that you were done with the relationship, and you took action.

You broke up with him and he didn’t chase you.

The only reason to reach out to him is if you think you made a mistake. In this case, you’d reach out to him with a heartfelt apology and a plan for dealing with conflict so arguments are resolved. Be sure to share how you’re committed to approaching the relationship differently, rather than listing your issues with his past behavior.

You don’t know how he feels or what he desires right now. Just because you broke up with him and he didn’t chase you doesn’t mean anything about what he wants. Try to go into this conversation without an agenda or hope about what may come from it. Be unattached to an outcome and instead take responsibility for your actions and for hurting him.

If you don’t want to get back together and you’re just curious why he didn’t chase you, then leave him alone. He’s dealing with the breakup in his own way, and you have no right to pour salt into the wound.

The Two Of You Were Stuck In A Power Struggle

When you’re stuck in a fight cycle, it’s because you’ve reached the second stage of a relationship. This is a natural progression for every couple — no couple skips the power struggle! Unfortunately, most people don’t know how to break a fight cycle, so they end the relationship and lather, rinse, and repeat the cycle with their next partner, or repeat stages one and two by getting back together.

All relationships go through a series of stages as they progress. The beginning of a relationship is the romance stage and it’s incredibly intoxicating. During the initial falling-in-love stage you just can’t keep your hands off each other, and your brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals. The longer the romance stage the better chance a relationship has of surviving for a lifetime, as this stage puts gas in the tank of the relationship.

Once those chemicals wear off you end up in a relationship hangover, stage two the power struggle stage. It’s unrealistic to expect that every day together will be one big romantic adventure and there will never be any conflict between the two of you. Having the awareness and knowledge of the five stages that all romantic relationships go through will help you navigate your differences instead of fighting all the time.

It’s normal to have disagreements and conflicts with your partner. They are a completely different person with unique strategies for dealing with stress and communicating their wants and needs. How the two of you handle these disagreements will determine whether your relationship lasts or not.

Focus On Yourself — Not Him

Part of you was tired of the power struggle and part of you is second-guessing your decision to end the relationship. Instead of obsessing about why he didn’t chase you, put effort into healing your heart. Even though you initiated the breakup doesn’t mean that you’re not heartbroken and grieving. You came into the relationship with a lot of hope and when it doesn’t work out you’ll need time to heal.

Allow yourself to feel your feelings and even to feel sad or angry he didn’t chase you. Your feelings are appropriate and by feeling them you begin the process of healing your heart. Instead of wondering if you made a mistake, ruminating over your disagreements, or even wishing things were different between the two of you, just book time in your calendar to grieve and mourn the loss.

Obsessing over the fact that you broke up with him and he didn’t chase you will only keep you stuck. You won’t be able to move on because your brain is looking for a solution to the pain. Your brain is not the right tool to help you feel better because there’s no logical solution to your situation and focusing on why he didn’t chase you is keeping you stuck second-guessing your decision to end it.

Stop Obsessing That He Didn’t Chase You

The most important lesson you can learn from this situation is how to not repeat it in the future. If you don’t learn from your mistakes, you’re destined to repeat them.

Take time to evaluate what is important to you in your intimate relationships. How would you like your relationship to function? What is the dynamic between you? What are your non-negotiable needs and what do you bring to a relationship?

You can grow from this experience and learn how to navigate the inevitable power struggle stage of relationships. Click here to get our special report about the 5 Stages Of Relationship so you can learn how to navigate through the power struggle.

Telling someone you don’t like them isn’t the same as being told by someone they aren’t interested in you, but that doesn’t make it any more pleasant. You’ve probably been dumped by someone who didn’t do it in the nicest way, and you don’t want that kind of dating karma on your hands. Mastering the uncomfortable conversation is one of the skills you’ll need to develop for a loving partnership to last.

Ideally, you’ll practice the skills of communication with people you’re dating (and not invested in long-term) allowing you to become proficient at the uncomfortable conversations without too much at stake. “Practice is the best of all instructors” -Publilius Syrus

In addition to watching your heart karma, you’ll be a better person when you know how to tell a guy you don’t like him in a respectful way. Plus, since every person knows people you haven’t met yet – telling someone you don’t like them in a way that isn’t off-putting leaves the opportunity that they may know an ideal match for you.

Before we share the perfect script for telling a guy you don’t like him, first, let’s get clear on what to avoid in this situation. We promise that you’ll want to avoid these common mistakes.

How NOT To Tell A Guy You Don’t Like Him

1. Putting The Blame On Him

The first mistake in telling a guy you don’t like him is to make it all about him. Blaming him and bringing up behaviors of his you don’t care for is unkind and immature. Sure, he may not be your cup of tea but telling him why and how he isn’t the one for you isn’t the kindest course of action. If you find that you are saying “You ___(fill in the blank)___” a lot, and explaining all the reasons he is wrong for you, it’s imperative to rethink your strategy.

You’d like someone to be kind and respectful if you are on the receiving end, so treat him the way you’d like to be treated in this situation and take responsibility for your decision. It’s you that has a problem with him, so ultimately it’s your problem.

2. Picking A Fight With Him

It’s unacceptable to look for some little thing he does that annoys you to blow up and use as a way to introduce the idea of never seeing him again. Trust us, you won’t feel good about it (and neither will he).

If you want to know how to tell a guy you don’t like him without being mean or cruel, don’t take this passive/aggressive approach to end it. Besides, if you could really pull this off, you’d have starred in several movies or on Broadway by now.

3. Letting The Relationship Drag On

Many people fear moving on concerned that they won’t find anyone else. Realizing you don’t want to be with someone any longer doesn’t make you a bad person. But letting things just drag on because you don’t know how to end it, or don’t want to be alone again is not doing either of you any favors.

You may be afraid that being single is going to be worse than the relationship you’re in. The truth is you’re only delaying your happiness and making the two of you miserable. It’s better to rip off the band-aid and focus on healing your heart so that you can be prepared to meet your soulmate.

How to tell a guy you don’t like him without being mean or cruel? Don’t avoid the situation and hope that it will resolve itself without you doing anything.

4. Ghosting Him

You may think that ghosting him is the easiest and most comfortable option available to you. But ghosting can leave a lasting mark on the recipient. He’ll question what he did wrong, eating away at his confidence. He may even worry that something happened to you and spend hours trying to find out if you are okay.

A person who ghosts is immature, selfish, and insensitive – so you don’t want to be this person. Besides, you’ll feel terrible about yourself knowing that you took a cowardly way out of the situation. You’re also setting yourself up for bad karma points when it comes to lasting love.

How to tell a guy you don’t like him without being mean or cruel? Tell him respectfully in person, instead of just disappearing and hoping he forgets about you quickly.

5. Doing It Via Text Message

Texting a break-up message is only one tiny step up from ghosting. Let’s face it, sending a text message to end things is about as cold as you can get. It leaves him with no sense of closure and no ability to have a conversation with you about it. Yes, breaking up with someone can leave you feeling anxious, but that anxiety is not going to harm you, nor will it last very long. And facing it will leave you feeling stronger and more confident.

There is only one exception to this rule: If he is abusive or you have a fear for your safety because of how he may react, then sending a text is probably your best bet.

6. Offering Friendship As A Consolation Prize

Offering friendship may seem like the kindest thing you can do, but it’s going to backfire on you. Because he does like you and doesn’t want things to end, he’ll be willing to agree and settle for your friendship. All the while, biding his time waiting, hoping, and praying for you to change your mind.

Ask yourself, if in the future when you are with your soulmate are you going to call this guy up and see if he wants to see a movie with the two of you or join you for dinner? That is what you would do with a friend. (Insert emphatic “No way!” right here.) If you’re over 35 you didn’t start dating him to add to your friendship collection – so don’t offer him a consolation prize.

You can certainly respond in a friendly way if you bump into him in the future, but he’s not going to be your new pal. It’s better if he knows there is no hope of things continuing so that he can get on with healing his heart.

How to tell someone you don’t like them without being mean or cruel? Don’t offer friendship as a consolation prize. You’re only doing it to assuage your own guilt, so it’s not a sincere offer.

7. Letting Him Negotiate To Stay Together

Allowing him to twist into a pretzel to earn your love and affection is cruel. Perhaps you do like him somewhat but want him to change. He may like you enough to promise anything to stay together. If you allow him to dig into the details of what is wrong, you’ll open the door to negotiate staying together. Then you’re just going to regret the time you’ve wasted allowing the relationship to drag on.

If you can’t accept him as he is, then he is not the man for you. And if he’s twisting into a pretzel in order to get you to stay, then he’s going to end up feeling angry and resentful towards you.

You want to know how to tell a guy you don’t like him without being mean or cruel, right? It’s heartless to abdicate your responsibility in making a choice to end the relationship. Instead, follow these steps to tell someone you don’t like them in a respectful way that empowers both of you to move on.

How To Tell A Guy You Don’t Like Him With Respect And Compassion

Through the dating process, it’s expected that you’ll discover some people are not a match for you. Telling a guy you don’t like him is a deselection process. You’re not rejecting him as a human being, you’re simply deselecting him as a contender.

It really isn’t about him. It’s about you and what you want in your life, what you know will bring you happiness. He’s not wrong or bad, just wrong for you. Taking this into account when you are ready to move on will help you from feeling guilty.

Just as you would like to share your life with someone who is crazy about you, the guy you’re deselecting deserves to be with someone who is crazy about him.

The Steps For Respectfully Deselecting Someone You’ve Been Dating

1. Do It In Person

Agree to meet him for your scheduled date, and instead of going out, invite him inside and use the breakup script (at the end of this article). Do not go on a date with him and then at the end of an evening together deselect him. If you don’t have a scheduled date, you can set it up the next time he reaches out to you.

A second-choice option (if you are unable to meet in person) is to do it over the phone. Never deliver this script via text message, nor any other text communication like chat or email.

How to tell a guy you don’t like him? Do it in person and at the beginning of a date, not after he’s taken you out again.

2. Use Only “I” Language

Choosing to breakup with someone ultimately isn’t about them. It’s about you and what you want from life. Own that. Be sure to speak about what you want, what you like, what you need, etc. There is no need to go over where he falls short, or any issues you may have with him.

How to tell a guy you don’t like him? Talk about your experience and your needs and avoid placing blame on him.

3. Don’t Try To Control Or Mitigate His Reaction

He has a right to his feelings. How he responds to you informs you of who is. You only have control over your words and actions, and as long as you are respectful do not take responsibility for how he responds or reacts to your decision.

Open your heart to compassion and empathy for him because it’s likely that he is not ready for the relationship to end. Offering friendship or indicating that your feelings could change in the future won’t make the breakup easier for him.

How to tell someone you don’t like them? Speak your truth with kindness and compassion and don’t try to control their reaction or make it better for them.

4. The Only Breakup Script You’ll Ever Need

Here is the perfect script for telling someone you don’t like them that allows you to take responsibility for your decision with kindness and respect. It is brief and to the point for a reason. Getting into a lengthy discussion about why you feel this way or allowing him to negotiate with you is just going to make things more difficult and waste his time and yours.

Take a moment, ground yourself, and speak from your heart.

“I know the kind of relationship I am looking for and it is clear to me that we are not a match. I know that your ideal match is out there, and I wish you the best of luck in your search for love.”

Dating like a grown-up means you can treat someone respectfully and end the relationship without any drama. You must mean the words you’re saying and wish him luck from your whole heart.

There is no need to elaborate further. If pressed with questions, you can rest assured this is further proof this person is not a good match for you. There is nothing more that needs to be said.

Telling someone that you don’t like them, and that you want to move on doesn’t have to be full of drama. You don’t want to feel like you’re a bad person for ending the relationship because the truth is, he is not your person. You both deserve to be in a relationship with someone who reciprocates your feelings and who really gets you.

Instead of agonizing over your decision and delaying the inevitable, speak kindly and compassionately and then move on with your life. It may sound insensitive, but not being honest or upfront with someone is treating them without respect.

Finding your soulmate can feel like a struggle and you may have to break up with a lot of guys before you finally meet your man, but it doesn’t have to be this way. What if you could get on the fast track to the long-lasting, soul-satisfying love you desire?

Our eBook, “7 Steps To Soulmating™”, is that fast track. It guides you to create a new strategy for meeting your soulmate, one that helps you avoid the pitfalls of the lather-rinse-repeat heartbreak you’ve experienced. Download it today and you’ll receive our top dating strategies that have helped thousands to change their love strategies and finally create their soulmate relationship.