Thanks so much,<\/p>\n
Laura\u201d<\/p>\n![](\"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/new12.svg\")
Dear Laura,<\/p>\n
You can absolutely break your pattern of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men and create the fulfilling love life you desire. You\u2019re not sentenced to being stuck in this pattern forever.<\/p>\n
To break this pattern, it\u2019s helpful to understand why you find yourself drawn to these emotionally unavailable men to begin with. You have great insights about yourself, however, having that information doesn\u2019t change your situation, or give you any direction about what to do differently.<\/p>\n
Let\u2019s see if we can spell it out for you so you can end this pattern for good, okay?<\/p>\n
Your Attraction To Emotionally Unavailable Men Is A False Positive<\/h2>\n
The feeling you\u2019re equating with attraction is a false <\/strong>positive. Your subconscious is sending you a signal when you meet emotionally unavailable men and you\u2019re interpreting that signal as attraction when it means something completely differen<\/em>t.<\/p>\n It\u2019s a signal from your subconscious saying, \u201cThis is familiar! This is familiar!\u201d<\/p>\n Your subconscious doesn\u2019t label this feeling as good or bad, only familiar. Your subconscious recognizes a familiar emotional dynamic that you identify as \u201clove\u201d and \u201cattraction.\u201d<\/p>\n The familiar emotional dynamic\u00a0comes from your family of origin<\/a>.<\/p>\n Whether one of your parents was an addict, suffered from depression, had an unrealistic expectation of you, or was just emotionally distant doesn\u2019t really matter in the bigger picture. What matters is understanding that you\u2019re the one highlighting emotionally unavailable men out in the world because they match the emotional dynamic from childhood.<\/p>\n Every single person on earth is attracted to the familiar. Your subconscious is filtering through millions of bits of information to find familiar circumstances and situations because this part of your mind is tasked with keeping you alive.<\/p>\n Bringing you similar circumstances leverages the likelihood that you\u2019ll continue to stay alive. The flaw in the system is that your subconscious mind cannot judge, so it doesn\u2019t know if you\u2019re alive and happy or alive and miserable. Or whether you were happy as a child or not. Or whether or not you were loved the way you wanted to be loved.<\/p>\n It\u2019s up to you to change your response to this signal.<\/p>\n Right now, when your subconscious tells you, \u201cThis familiar! This is familiar,\u201d you\u2019re interpreting it\u2019s meaning as chemistry and attraction. What if it meant, \u201cThis is the same situation again!\u201d?<\/p>\n What if it was your subconscious signaling this feeling is familiar so that you steer clear as if it was saying, \u201cMove along! Nothing to see here you\u2019ve been down this path before.\u201d<\/p>\n What if your attraction to emotionally unavailable men was just a familiar signal and not an excitement signal?<\/p>\n The reason why it\u2019s so hard to get victims to leave their abusive partners is because they process the familiar feeling as excitement. Fear and excitement are experienced the same in the human body (shortness of breath, increased heart rate, sweaty palms, etc.), the difference between these two experiences is found in the person\u2019s inner dialog.<\/p>\n Imagine standing in line for a roller coaster. One person could be thinking, \u201cOh my God! What am I doing?! I\u2019ve got to get out of here!\u201d And another could be thinking, \u201cThis is going to be awesome!\u201d Either way, their physiological experiences are the same.<\/p>\n Ask yourself what it feels like when you\u2019re attracted to someone. We\u2019d guess that you\u2019d say that it feels intense, maybe a little obsessive, you feel off balance, and you can\u2019t stop thinking about him.<\/p>\n You\u2019ve described your current situation as heart-wrenching, consumed by longing, and getting more and more frustrating. Your mind is bargaining with yourself to find a new way to work things out with him even though you already know he isn\u2019t capable of giving you what you need.<\/p>\n Does this sound like Love? (With a capital L.)<\/p>\n It sounds more like every part of you is telling you to get away from him, and you keep finding reasons to stick around, desperately looking for a new strategy to make this situation work, or at least to get your next fix in. Like an addict doing the drugs they know are bad for them.<\/p>\n From now on when you feel that sensation of attraction you can say to yourself \u201cRunaway heartbreak ahead!\u201d<\/p>\n You\u2019re not going to\u00a0get the love you want<\/a>\u00a0from this guy. He\u2019s not able to give you what you need and won\u2019t suddenly become emotionally demonstrative. If this guy was emotionally available you\u2019d feel completely different about him. He\u2019s a match to your childhood wounds and that makes him a familiar guy, not the \u201cright man\u201d for you.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re in a healthy relationship you\u2019ll feel differently.\u00a0You\u2019ll feel attracted to the person<\/a>, but it won\u2019t be that familiar heart-wrenching, uncontrollable feeling. You\u2019ll feel the attraction in a completely new way; it\u2019ll feel like something you\u2019ve never felt before.<\/p>\n Love is a grounding feeling, not one that knocks you off balance. Many of our clients describe it as feeling curious and comfortable at the same time. However, you experience it, please know it won\u2019t feel out of control or obsessive like with emotionally unavailable men. It certainly won\u2019t have the same compulsive unpredictable energy that you\u2019re feeling with this guy.<\/p>\n Your response to emotionally unavailable men is not grounded and leaves you feeling insecure and uneasy. Don\u2019t confuse this familiar signal that he\u2019s a good match for you.<\/p>\n To change this pattern, start by taking a new approach to this current situation. One that leaves you\u00a0feeling empowered about your choices<\/a>, not heart-wrenching and angst-ridden.<\/p>\n Long-lasting relationships are easy at the beginning, not full of strife and uncertainty. The Romance Stage of relationship is the promise of what can be if both people continue to choose each other. It should last a long time; 9-18 months is an average.<\/p>\n One of the best ways to break an old way of being is to do something completely different. Take a new action \u2013 one you\u2019ve never taken before.<\/p>\n You\u2019ve probably heard the old saying that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the very definition of insanity. Praying it will be different with this guy is a losing battle and it\u2019s up to the adult in you to know better and walk away.<\/p>\n End it and don\u2019t over-explain why. Just walk away instead of explaining yourself. You can tell him that you two are not a good match long-term.<\/p>\n If he respects you then he won\u2019t argue or try to change your mind. Do not offer friendship and reject an offer of friendship if he asks for it.<\/p>\n A friend is someone you hang out with when you\u2019re with your beloved. Do you think you and your man would have him over for dinner sometime or meet up to go to a movie? No way, right? You\u2019re not friends, although it\u2019s okay to be friendly and if you bump into each other at Starbucks you can be cordial and say, \u201cHello.\u201d<\/p>\n The pattern of being attracted to emotionally unavailable men comes from your early childhood and has nothing to do with this guy. It\u2019s like a 5-year-old version of you is selecting who should be your mate for life.<\/p>\n Your job is to let her know that she is loveable and that she can get everything she needs from you. You don\u2019t get love from another person you share love with them. It\u2019s the love you have for yourself that\u2019s reflected back to you in the eyes of your beloved.<\/p>\n Reconnecting with that little girl inside of you is the most loving and healthy thing you can do for yourself and your peace of mind. She probably feels abandoned by you and doesn\u2019t trust you to take care of her.<\/p>\n If you commit to repairing the relationship with your inner child the rewards are limitless. You\u2019ll be more productive, have less stress, happier, and most of all end self-sabotaging behaviors.<\/p>\nDon\u2019t Confuse A Familiar Response With Attraction<\/h2>\n
A Healthy Attraction Is An Unknown Feeling To You<\/h2>\n
To Break This Pattern Take New Actions<\/h2>\n
Connect With The Little Girl Inside Of You<\/h2>\n
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