{"id":2572,"date":"2023-10-23T02:49:48","date_gmt":"2023-10-23T09:49:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.creatingloveonpurpose.com\/?p=2572"},"modified":"2023-10-23T11:46:28","modified_gmt":"2023-10-23T18:46:28","slug":"tired-of-sabotaging-my-relationship-ways-relationship-self-sabotage-is-keeping-you-single","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/tired-of-sabotaging-my-relationship-ways-relationship-self-sabotage-is-keeping-you-single\/","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m Tired Of Sabotaging My Relationships! 8 Ways Relationship Self-Sabotage Is Keeping You Single"},"content":{"rendered":"

\u201cHi Orna and Matthew,<\/em><\/p>\n

I’m so sick of sabotaging my relationships! Recently, I completely blew it with a guy who was a great match for me, but my fears got in the way of me being open and vulnerable with him. I get scared and clam up. I’m afraid my relationship self-sabotage strategies are still blocking me from a loving partnership.<\/em><\/p>\n

I know that I\u2019m the one who keeps sabotaging my relationships because of my fear of being hurt again. I feel discouraged that I blew it again despite all the healing work I\u2019ve done.<\/em><\/p>\n

Please help! I would love your insight\/help in changing this pattern for good!<\/em><\/p>\n

Thanks,<\/em><\/p>\n

Sheri\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n

Hi Sheri,<\/p>\n

Congratulations, you\u2019ve already taken the hardest first step of taking responsibility for your pattern of relationship self-sabotage. Now you\u2019re in the driver\u2019s seat to make some real changes<\/a> in your love life.<\/p>\n

One of the most frustrating aspects of relationship self-sabotage is feeling like the behavior is out of your control. Clearly there\u2019s a part of you that keeps wrecking your hopes and destroying your chances at love. Whether you keep choosing the wrong partner, or you end up pushing away a good match, your strategy of sabotaging your relationships will keep you spinning your wheels and feeling like you have no choice.<\/p>\n

Self-sabotage is a misleading term because you\u2019re not making a choice to push someone away or to close off your heart. Instead, you\u2019re responding with a well-worn behavior that is triggered in your subconscious mind. Self-sabotage is a strategy that you learned to keep yourself safe. When you first adopted this strategy it probably served you at the time, but now it\u2019s like corrupted software that is keeping you so \u201csafe\u201d that it\u2019s blocking you from the thing you want \u2014 love!<\/p>\n

Let\u2019s see if we can bring some insight to your question, \u201cWhy do I keep sabotaging my relationships?!\u201d<\/p>\n

Stop Judging Yourself For Sabotaging Your Relationships<\/h2>\n

Instead of judging yourself or beating yourself up about what keeps happening, focus on feeling compassion for the part of you that keeps getting in your way. It\u2019s not trying to sabotage your relationships; it wants you to feel loved and safe, and it\u2019s using the only strategy it knows to do that.<\/p>\n

You see, all your behavior has positive\u00a0intent\u00a0<\/strong>\u2013 even the behaviors that cause you pain and frustration. It may seem like your relationship self-sabotage is working against you, but it\u2019s trying to get you something you need; it just has the wrong strategy<\/a> for achieving the desired result. \u00a0While your relationship strategies leave you feeling heartbroken, your pattern of sabotaging your relationships is attempting to fill your need to feel loved, safe, or accepted.<\/p>\n

Relationship Self-Sabotage Is Created In Your Early Childhood<\/h2>\n

The pattern of sabotaging your relationships developed when you were a child trying to get your needs met in your family of origin. The gap between the way you desired to be loved and the way your parents were capable of loving you created a wound about your inherent lovability.<\/p>\n

As a young child who didn\u2019t understand why your parents\u2019 love was conditional, you developed certain beliefs and strategies for feeling loved and safe. These decisions you made as a child are driving your negative consequences in your adult relationships.<\/p>\n

Having compassion for your younger self<\/a> and her need to feel loved and safe will give you the right mindset to approach your own healing. The first step is to discover your specific relationship self-sabotage strategies.<\/p>\n

<\/div><\/a>\r\n\r\n\r\n\n

8 Ways Relationship Self-Sabotage Is Keeping You Single<\/h2>\n
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  1. \n

    Being Overly Critical<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

    Judgment is the biggest block to love. When you have a high expectation of self, it can lead to self-criticism and judgment, especially when you fail to meet your unrealistic expectations. Your strategy of being overly critical of yourself can show up as being overly critical of your partner as well.<\/p>\n

    People often project their inner criticisms and insecurities onto those closest to them, like friends, family, or a life partner. If you\u2019re constantly criticizing yourself and your imperfections, you\u2019ll see and criticize the imperfections of the world (and especially your partner who can become the scapegoat for your shortcomings).<\/p>\n

    No one consciously chooses to be critical, or to constantly critique their significant other \u2013 and this is where self-sabotage comes in. Your inability to meet your high expectations of self can leave you feeling disappointed in your partner\u2019s ability to live up to your unrealistic expectations.<\/p>\n

    First you must come to terms with your own humanity and learn to accept your flaws. There\u2019s no such thing as a perfect person.<\/a> When you can accept your own faults and love yourself despite them, that\u2019s a huge step toward being able to love another imperfect person. This acceptance will help you stop sabotaging your relationships.<\/p>\n

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    1. \n

      Unresolved Negative Emotions<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

      Whether from a breakup, a toxic relationship, or childhood trauma, unresolved negative emotions can trigger relationship self-sabotage. You can think of these as hidden landmines that can blow up when you least expect it. They\u2019ll leave you feeling unsafe and unsure of yourself in all your intimate relationships.<\/p>\n

      Viewing present-day events through the lens of past hurts will cause you to misjudge and misunderstand your potential partner\u2019s behavior. You\u2019ll view their actions through the lens of someone else who hurt you in the past. It\u2019s unfair to them and it\u2019s a major cause of relationship self-sabotage.<\/p>\n

      If you\u2019re still blaming your past circumstances<\/a> for your current struggles, you\u2019re stuck in a victim mindset that\u2019s blocking you from love. With this mindset, it\u2019s difficult to trust anyone or evaluate who\u2019s trustworthy and who isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

      To break this pattern, you\u2019ll want to spend some time healing your broken heart by practicing forgiveness and compassion for others and for yourself. Find the hidden gold in your struggles and discover the gratitude in your challenges. This is the way to release your hurt and anger and avoid repeating past mistakes.\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

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      1. \n

        Inner Conflicts<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

        An Inner conflict occurs because you have two opposing needs or desires. For example, part of you values your independence while another part desires a committed relationship. These opposing desires are sabotaging your relationships because you\u2019re sending mixed messages to potential mates.<\/p>\n

        Inner conflicts can also leave you feeling ambivalent about your desire for love. You may never have time to date constantly finding other things more important, and never make finding a life partner a priority. Feeling stuck inside with the false belief you have to give up something you value to share your life with a partner will ultimately drain your motivation<\/a>. You\u2019ll sabotage your relationships because you\u2019re unconsciously hoping it doesn\u2019t work out so you don\u2019t have to compromise (in reality a false belief).<\/p>\n

        Discover your inner conflicts so that you can bring all the parts of you into harmony and release the false beliefs that have been keeping you stuck. Until you do, you\u2019ll continue to sabotage your relationships and lasting love will be elusive.<\/p>\n

          \n
        1. \n

          Making Assumptions<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

          Many people sabotage their relationships before they even begin by looking for their soulmate in a profile. They reject anyone who doesn\u2019t meet their very specific criteria and they see any unwanted behavior as an immediate red flag<\/a>.<\/p>\n

          You could be in the habit of making assumptions and filling in the blanks and end up holding potential partners to an unachievable standard. If your unreasonable expectations aren\u2019t met you convince yourself the relationship isn\u2019t working, giving you a reason to end it. Making assumptions is a strategy for keeping your heart safe, but it ultimately keeps your heart locked in a tower unavailable to any seekers.<\/p>\n

          You can also make assumptions when you feel attracted to someone and ignore obvious signs that this person isn\u2019t good for you. You end up putting on rose-colored glasses and creating a fantasy future with a stranger you barely know.<\/p>\n

          Instead of assuming the worst, or the best, of your potential mates, approach dating with a curious and open mind, stay in the present and avoid futurizing, and look for reasons to say yes. People will tell you who they are if you pay attention.<\/p>\n

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          1. \n

            Avoiding Conflict<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

            Most people are conflict-avoidant. They avoid bringing up the little things and find themselves feeling distant and disconnected from their partner. This doesn\u2019t mean you should go looking for problems, however avoiding conflict has you hiding your true self and twisting into a pretzel trying to please a stranger on a date.<\/p>\n

            You may have learned in your family of origin that it\u2019s not safe to speak up and ask for what you want, so you\u2019ve learned to sacrifice your needs in order to keep the peace. This desire for peace and avoidance of conflict will create a rift between you and your potential partner. All the unspoken hurts, needs, and desires foster anger and resentment and drive a wedge between you.<\/p>\n

            Conflict can be a doorway to a deeper connection<\/a> by taking the risk to have the uncomfortable conversations. Speak your authentic feelings even when it feels risky and you\u2019ll create the opportunity for emotional intimacy.<\/p>\n

            Love requires risk and if you\u2019re not willing to share your authentic self you\u2019ll eventually fall into self-sabotage and doom the relationship.<\/p>\n

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            1. \n

              Not Speaking Your Needs And Wants<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

              Don\u2019t be mistaken that your soulmate will intuit your thoughts, needs, and emotions. The \u201cright person\u201d won\u2019t come with psychic powers. To get what you want you have to ask for it. You\u2019re sabotaging your relationships if you clam up and don\u2019t share your needs and desires. Plus you\u2019ll end up feeling angry and resentful that your needs aren\u2019t being met.<\/p>\n

              You can\u2019t expect your partner to reciprocate because that\u2019s an unrealistic expectation. If you\u2019re giving and expect your partner to return the favor without explicitly making a request, then you\u2019re setting yourself up to be disappointed. This \u201cGive-To-Get\u201d strategy is a subtle form of manipulation no matter how well-intentioned you may be.<\/p>\n

              Being able to speak your needs and make requests<\/a> is a life skill that will serve you in every part of your life. Practice asking for what you want, even when it feels uncomfortable. By making requests, you\u2019re telling yourself that you\u2019re worth getting the love you want. Additionally, you\u2019ll finally break the habit of sabotaging your relationships.<\/p>\n

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              1. \n

                Fear Of Abandonment<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                A belief that you aren\u2019t wanted or aren\u2019t worthy of love comes from a deeper fear of abandonment, that you\u2019ll lose what you most desire. These false beliefs can lead to sabotaging your relationships.<\/p>\n

                The fear of abandonment<\/a> often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your subconscious is on high alert for any behavior that hints that the other person doesn\u2019t love you, or is going to leave you. So you interpret all of their behavior through the lens of fear.<\/p>\n

                What you focus on G-R-O-W-S! You\u2019ll end up creating the outcome you don\u2019t want.<\/p>\n

                If you feel unworthy of love, it may be incomprehensible that someone will stand by you \u2014 no matter what. So you question their motives, or you doubt their loyalty, or even worse you test them to see if they\u2019ll really put up with all of your bad behavior.<\/p>\n

                Learning to trust yourself is the first step in overcoming your fear of abandonment. You must first stop abandoning yourself and your needs, then you can learn to trust someone else with your heart because you\u2019ll know deep inside that you\u2019ll always be there for yourself. Ultimately the love you seek is inside of you and you can never lose that.<\/p>\n<\/a>\r\n\r\n\r\n\n

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                1. \n

                  Resistance To Dating And Meeting New People<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n

                  Common excuses why people are unwilling to date:<\/p>\n