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\n\u201cDear O&M,<\/p>\n
I\u2019m a bit on the shy side, so I\u2019ve put off emailing you my question\u2026 I think I\u2019ve also struggled with how to word it. Here\u2019s my best shot: how is my unresolved emotional baggage holding me back from finding true love?<\/p>\n
I\u2019m not even sure true love exists so maybe I\u2019m not asking the right question. I know I have a lot of emotional baggage. So I\u2019m trying to figure out if I\u2019m destined to F it all up again, or if I can overcome the mess that I\u2019ve been when my heart gets involved. I swear I\u2019m normal in all the other parts of my life.<\/p>\n
Please help!<\/p>\n
Madeline\u201d<\/p>\n
Hi Madeline,<\/p>\n
Thanks for your question and we want you to know that you\u2019re not destined to F it all up and you can overcome your unresolved emotional baggage. Destiny has nothing to do with whether you get love<\/a> or not. Your desire to have a lasting loving partnership can be enough motivation to create the internal shift to heal and move on from your past experiences.<\/p>\n By addressing your unresolved emotional baggage you\u2019ll take back your power and wildly increase your chances of finding true love. BTW, true love is not destined, it\u2019s something two people work at, but first you have to become the \u201cright person.\u201d<\/p>\n Let\u2019s dive right in and help you understand where your emotional baggage comes from, what it looks like, and how to transform it.<\/p>\n Emotional baggage comes from a few different sources:<\/p>\n Emotional baggage is a common way of describing unresolved emotional issues that stem from negative experiences. These events can be from childhood or past relationships.<\/p>\n Your past experiences in love shape how you approach love and dating. How you manage your emotions from these experiences helps determine whether you\u2019re able to move on, or if they become baggage that gets in the way of creating healthy relationships. Having unresolved emotional baggage can stunt your ability to create and maintain lasting loving partnerships.<\/p>\n Unresolved emotional baggage can hide in your mind like landmines and the next thing you know you\u2019ve gone from 0 to 60 in 2.9 seconds.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re triggered<\/a>\u00a0your big prefrontal cortex (the part of your brain that can analyze and solve problems) is offline and you\u2019re responding from the reptilian survival brain. A fight\/flight\/freeze response has been activated and you\u2019re no longer capable of responding rationally.<\/p>\n Being triggered means you\u2019re reacting to the current situation based on past events. You\u2019re no longer in the present moment and you\u2019re not responding from your logical mind. Survival instincts have kicked in, and you may revert to old strategies.<\/p>\n Emotional triggers are on a dial-switch, so you can be triggered on a scale from 1-10 . The first step to managing your emotional triggers is to recognize that you\u2019re triggered. Getting triggered is a normal human occurrence and being triggered doesn\u2019t mean there\u2019s something wrong with you.<\/p>\n Emotional mastery doesn\u2019t mean you never get triggered, it\u2019s about your behavior when you\u2019re triggered. Just like having integrity doesn\u2019t mean you never make a mistake. Having integrity is about your behavior when you make a mistake.<\/p>\n It\u2019s unrealistic to think you\u2019ll never be triggered. Dealing with your unresolved emotional baggage is like disarming the landmines so that you\u2019re dealing with what\u2019s actually happening in the moment. Your partner is not your mother, father, sibling, or past romantic partners that hurt or disappointed you.<\/p>\n To be efficient your subconscious mind links similar events together. It connects these similar events using the Law of Association, or a simple way to think about is your mind files together similar events by saying, \u201cThis is like that.\u201d Your unresolved emotional baggage has you responding in the moment as if you\u2019re still in the past with someone else.<\/p>\n Being triggered into past behaviors and old strategies keeps you from connecting with the person in front of you in the moment \u2014 and this is how your unresolved emotional baggage blocks you from the love you want.<\/p>\n Your unresolved emotional baggage has built a wall around your heart and blocks you from the love and connection you desire by keeping potential partners at a distance.<\/p>\n There are many reasons you could be emotionally unavailable for an intimate relationship<\/a>. Heartbreak, trauma, addiction, and abuse from childhood can all contribute to you hiding your heart in a castle surrounded by a moat full of hungry alligators.<\/p>\n Unfortunately, even with a strong desire to share your life with someone if you don\u2019t heal unresolved emotional baggage you won\u2019t be able to risk your heart in order to let someone in. You\u2019ll need to create new strategies for giving and receiving love, ones that don\u2019t come from past hurts and disappointment.<\/p>\n Emotional intimacy requires you to be authentic and risk your heart. There are no guarantees in love and having unresolved emotional baggage can fool you into believing that it\u2019s better to be lonely and alone.<\/p>\n When your heart is open you can speak your truth and listen without judgement, allowing you to look for a connection rather than perfection. No matter who you choose to partner up with the two of you will have miscommunication, misunderstandings, and even conflict. Learning to love an imperfect person starts with loving yourself warts and all!<\/p>\n Accepting that risk is part of all relationships you no longer have to fear it or build walls against it.<\/p>\n Whether or not you initiated the breakup the end of a relationship is difficult and can leave you heartbroken.<\/p>\n It\u2019s appropriate after a breakup to\u00a0take some time to heal your heart<\/a>. Learning to deal with sadness and grief is an important part of life and growing up. Avoiding these emotions is another way you can create armor around your heart and block yourself from the love you want.<\/p>\n You can\u2019t avoid the pain of heartbreak by looking for someone who won\u2019t ever break your heart. This is a perfect example of choosing to avoid pain instead of choosing love.<\/p>\n Healing your heart doesn\u2019t mean you condone bad behavior or have to engage with someone who mistreated you. Healing means you\u2019re no longer carrying an emotional\u00a0 charge from the heartbreaks you\u2019ve experienced.<\/p>\n By healing your heartbreak and embracing forgiveness you can open to love again.<\/p>\n When it comes to intimate relationships the boundary lines are blurred more than any other part of your life. \u00a0The myth of the Hollywood movie where 1+1=1 creates a codependent, unhealthy dynamic. No one completes you.<\/p>\n When you have unresolved emotional baggage drawing the lines between you and your partner becomes even more difficult. You may either take too much responsibility or not enough.<\/p>\n You\u2019re the only person responsible for your thoughts, emotions, and actions. They belong to you and you alone. Own them, and take responsibility for how you feel, and every single one of your relationships will benefit from it \u2014 particularly the one you have with yourself.<\/p>\n Saying to your partner, \u201cYou make me so ____[angry, sad, etc.]____!\u201d as if the other person put a gun to your head and said, \u201cFeel this feeling or I\u2019ll shoot!\u201d is one of the most common ways people abdicate responsibility for their emotions.<\/p>\n Imagine a street with a concrete barrier down the center divide. You\u2019re responsible for everything on your side of the street<\/a> and nothing more. You\u2019re responsible for what you think, feel, and do (or choose not to do). This is on your side of the street and 100% your responsibility.<\/p>\n You\u2019re\u00a0not<\/strong>\u00a0responsible for what someone else thinks, feels, or does. That\u2019s on the other side of the street and doesn\u2019t belong to you. You have no control over what happens over there.<\/p>\n Your unresolved emotional baggage can fool you into believing you\u2019re responsible when you\u2019re not, and vice-versa. The skill of learning to take responsibility for your own emotions and not to take responsibility for the reactions and emotions of others requires practice.<\/p>\n Cleaning up the past and stepping into forgiveness rather than placing blame clears the path to creating a deep connection with your partner.<\/p>\n It\u2019s normal to wish you could get a second chance in life, to be able to go back and fix a mistake you made. Holding onto your mistakes and beating yourself up about what could have been will keep you stuck.<\/p>\n Unresolved emotional baggage that triggers you into guilt, shame, or regret will make you feel unworthy of love. Whether this is conscious or unconscious, part of you will always believe that you\u2019re destined to repeat past mistakes<\/a>.<\/p>\n Transforming and healing guilt, shame, or regret starts with compassion and forgiveness for yourself. You won\u2019t get through life without making mistakes, just make the effort to learn from yours and then move on.<\/p>\n Unresolved emotional baggage can cause you to have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others. Perfection is not required for love because love is not something you have to earn.<\/p>\n Every person is imperfect including you, so you\u2019re in good company. Accepting your imperfections allows you to love another imperfect person. This is the foundation of a true love relationship.<\/p>\n Your desire to avoid conflict will keep your beloved hidden from you. It will cause you to twist into a pretzel to avoid\u00a0fighting with your partner<\/a>. You may swallow your thoughts and opinions because you don\u2019t want to upset them.<\/p>\n Your unresolved emotional baggage can cause you to avoid conflict at all costs, this will shrink your confidence and tank your self-worth. You won\u2019t feel safe expressing your feelings, and you may act out with passive-aggressive behaviors.<\/p>\n Perhaps your fear of conflict is rooted in unexpressed anger, or in a fear that you\u2019ll be rejected if you show your true thoughts and feelings.<\/p>\n Conflict is a normal part of interacting with humans particularly when you\u2019re involved in an intimate relationship with them. Being able to work through your differences in a healthy way creates an emotional intimacy that cements the trust and love between the two of you.<\/p>\n Avoiding conflict doesn\u2019t make it go away, it just creates an emotional chasm between the two of you that blocks intimacy and connection. With the right person, you\u2019ll find your way through conflict to create a deeper connection.<\/p>\n This famous Buddha quote, \u201cHolding onto anger and resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die,\u201d can change your perspective forever about anger.<\/p>\n Anger and resentment are poison to your emotional well-being, and they can sabotage your chance of finding a lasting, loving partnership.<\/p>\n Maybe you were taught that anger is an inappropriate emotion and have suppressed your expression of it your entire life. Or perhaps you\u2019re harboring resentment<\/a> from sacrificing your wants and needs to try and make your partner happy. No matter the circumstances that initiated your anger and resentment you\u2019ll have to express it and release it if you want to create lasting love.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a lot of judgment in our society labeling anger as a toxic emotion. All your feelings are valid including anger, however, taking your anger out on others is not an appropriate or healthy expression of anger.<\/p>\n If your unresolved emotional baggage includes anger and resentment, then it will block you from love. Only by changing your relationship to your anger and letting go of your resentment will you be open to a healthy, lasting love relationship.<\/p>\n Unresolved emotional baggage can create unrealistic expectations making it impossible for any partner to measure up.<\/p>\n You\u2019ll be in a relationship with another human being, not some mythical perfect partner. The real kicker is that your beloved will be a completely different person than you. They will have their own strategies, mental\/emotional patterns, and past experiences that will be unlike your own.<\/p>\n Judgment is the most common block to long-lasting love. Your unresolved emotional baggage has you creating lengthy lists of qualities you desire in a mate. Perhaps you have a litmus test for every potential partner<\/a> and treat a date like a job interview, making sure they fit your very stringent criteria.<\/p>\n If you struggle to find anyone who is even worthy of meeting for a date or believe there is no one out there for you, you may have unrealistic expectations that are protecting you from risking your heart. Stop looking for reasons to say \u201cNo\u201d to a potential partner, and instead look for reasons to say \u201cYes\u201d to a date.<\/p>\n If you don\u2019t address your unresolved emotional baggage, you\u2019ll continue to struggle to find the lasting love you desire. The only way to create emotional connection with another person is to speak your feelings to them.<\/p>\n Unfortunately, you may be cherry-picking your feelings sharing the ones you like to feel, and hiding and repressing the negative ones that feel badly.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re afraid to feel anger, sadness, hurt, fear, shame, or guilt or you judge yourself because you\u2019re harboring these feelings then loving someone will never feel safe.<\/p>\n Learning to express your feelings, without judgment takes practice, and you\u2019ll have to muster up kindness and courage to risk and speak your truth.<\/p>\n The biggest mistake people make is to judge the success of their communication by the response they get from the other person. This puts your power in the hands of the other person, and on a date that person is a stranger.<\/p>\n Instead, embrace your emotions and practice expressing them to potential partners. This lets you know more about their capacity to be a good match for you or not.<\/p>\n Rather than twisting into a pretzel trying to please a person you just met, just speak up and share your authentic truth. The right person will stick it out with you, and you\u2019ll resolve issues together.<\/p>\n Over time this will grow your self-worth and heal your unresolved emotional baggage. If the idea of dating this way frightens you, working with a trained professional will exponentially speed up your healing as well as provide a safety net until you can trust yourself.<\/p>\n The Walters\u2019 Method is our tried-and-true system for growing your confidence from the inside out so you become your own authority allowing you to heal your unresolved emotional baggage, and select an ideal life partner to grow with through all of life\u2019s challenges.<\/p>\nWhat Is Unresolved Emotional Baggage?<\/h2>\n
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<\/div><\/a>\r\n\r\n\r\n\n8 Ways Your Unresolved Emotional Baggage Holds You Back From Finding True Love<\/h2>\n
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You Can\u2019t Manage Emotional Triggers<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Your Heart Is Closed To Intimacy<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Your Unresolved Heartbreak<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Trouble Setting & Keeping Boundaries<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Guilt, Shame, and Regret<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
<\/div><\/a>\r\n\r\n\r\n\n\n
Avoiding Conflict<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Anger And Resentment<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Unrealistic Expectations<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
![](\"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/06\/click-here1.jpg\")
How To Heal Unresolved Emotional Baggage<\/h2>\n