Do you think you\u2019ll never have a conflict with your soulmate? Do you worry that an argument is a red flag and that your relationship is doomed? How do you know if the arguments you\u2019re having are a big issue, or if you can navigate the power struggle stage and create a deeper connection with your soulmate?<\/p>\n
It\u2019s easy to imagine that when you\u2019re with your soulmate you\u2019ll always get along and never have conflicts. Unfortunately, that\u2019s a fantasy because no matter who you choose to partner with you\u2019ll experience disagreements and misunderstandings.<\/p>\n
While conflict is not a red flag all by itself, it can reveal red flags that you\u2019ll want to pay attention to. That\u2019s why it\u2019s so important to take things slowly through the dating process before making a long-term commitment.<\/p>\n
A soulmate is a person you can count on to prioritize your relationship regardless of conflicts that arise \u2014 ultimately they know you\u2019re better together than apart. If you iron out all the conflicts while you\u2019re dating then you\u2019ll have no idea if the relationship can sustain the bumpy roads of sharing a lifetime together.<\/p>\n
The question isn\u2019t whether you\u2019re going to have a disagreement or a fight with your soulmate. The question is: How do you each behave when you do?<\/p>\n There are disagreements that can be discussed calmly, and then there are conflicts that have the potential to blow up into a fight. So, what\u2019s the difference?<\/p>\n It all depends on how resourceful you are at the time of the clash, and if the conflict triggers an old wound within one or both of you.<\/p>\n Stress makes everyone less resourceful. Whether you didn\u2019t sleep well, have a deadline at work, or feel anxious about life, you\u2019re not at your best when under duress. When you\u2019re not at your best, you\u2019re less likely to be able to stay calm and present during a disagreement.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re grounded, present, and feeling positive, you\u2019re more likely to be open to your partner and not take things personally.<\/p>\n Sometimes the nature of the conflict triggers a wound that isn\u2019t about the person in front of you. It\u2019s triggering a wound from your past. The key is to be able to recognize and acknowledge when your wounds are triggered and not blame your partner for hurtful actions of someone else in your past.<\/p>\n Your mind is designed to batch situations together and jump to conclusions, linking things together that are not necessarily the same. Through the Law of Association, your subconscious quickly categorizes experiences and says, \u201cthis is like that.\u201d This makes it easy for you to mistake your partner\u2019s intentions and get triggered into past hurts.<\/p>\n Red flags have nothing to do with a person\u2019s resourcefulness overall, as every person will vacillate in\u00a0their ability to be present and grounded<\/a>\u00a0throughout the day.<\/p>\n When you become triggered, you\u2019re instantly less resourceful. That\u2019s because you\u2019re no longer thinking calmly or logically. You\u2019re triggered into a fight\/flight\/freeze response and your big prefrontal cortex goes offline (like when your computer is no longer connected to the Wi-Fi signal).<\/p>\n When triggered your focus narrows and you become unable to think clearly about the situation. Your habitual strategies for survival kick in.\u00a0You may even perceive your partner\u2019s behavior as a threat<\/a>\u00a0to your own safety.<\/p>\n In this state you\u2019re no longer the mature, centered adult you believe yourself to be. Instead, you\u2019re reacting from a wounded place and can potentially lash out or retreat looking for a way to feel safe or in control.<\/p>\n The irony is that when you\u2019re triggered, you\u2019re most likely to say and do things that can cause damage to the relationship. Being triggered is not a red flag that your relationship can\u2019t survive, it\u2019s part of being human. It\u2019s the part of you that is wired in for your own survival, so it\u2019s better to make peace with it and understand its purpose.<\/p>\n You don\u2019t want to fall into the trap of judging yourself, or your partner, for getting triggered. The key is to recognize when you are triggered and to calm your own nervous system.<\/p>\n Conflict is unavoidable, even in a soulmate relationship. However, you both have a choice in how to handle your differences and\u00a0how you clean up any emotional messes<\/a>.<\/p>\n Use dating as an opportunity to discover any possible red flags so you can better determine if this person is a good match for you. Pay attention to how your date behaves during and after a conflict or disagreement. Evaluate if they are capable of taking responsibility for their behavior and apologizing when needed.<\/p>\n It\u2019s unfortunate but not unforgivable if either of you behaves badly when you\u2019re triggered. If that bad behavior isn\u2019t owned or cleaned up, then there may be a red flag that must be examined. Conflicts that aren\u2019t repaired become the cracks that ultimately lead to the end of many relationships.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t focus on avoiding conflict. Being in a cold war or avoiding conflict leads to harboring resentments and will drive a wedge between you if the two of you cannot find a way to connect, repair, and heal.<\/p>\n You can and should be forgiving when your partner gets triggered during a conflict. However, if your partner continues to double down on their choices instead of seeking to resolve your differences, then you\u2019ll want to evaluate the potential of the relationship.<\/p>\n Contradicting your feelings or your point of view is not only disrespectful but is also a sign of gaslighting. Assess if your partner can acknowledge your feelings. If they try to convince you that your feelings aren\u2019t valid it may be a sign to move on.<\/p>\n Many people have an initial defensive reaction to conflict, and this is normal human behavior. If your partner refuses to take responsibility for their mistakes or bad behavior when triggered, then this is a serious red flag that cannot be ignored. If they blame you for everything that goes wrong, or your partner has a pattern of making excuses this is a valid reason to end the relationship. An ideal life partner will\u00a0take responsibility for their actions<\/a> and offer amends when warranted.<\/p>\n If your partner is chronically stubborn and refuses to budge, then you\u2019ll be in a constant power struggle. If you\u2019re the one that must always compromise or give in, you\u2019ll end up feeling resentful over time. In a soulmate relationship there is a balance of give and take, and working things out doesn\u2019t mean that you\u2019re the only one coming to the table with a compromise.<\/p>\n Disrespect is a relationship killer and this red flag should not be ignored. You want to be loved and accepted as who you really are. If your partner\u00a0doesn\u2019t respect you or your choices<\/a>, then you\u2019ll never feel loved and accepted. A relationship that has you walking on eggshells isn\u2019t worth keeping.<\/p>\n It\u2019s impossible to resolve your issues if you can never talk about them. Stonewalling or ignoring issues won\u2019t make them go away, instead there\u2019ll be landmines buried in the relationship that can blow up at any time. Taking time to cool off is appropriate, but if you never repair and reconnect after a conflict you will grow apart rather than together.<\/p>\n Avoiding conflict by agreeing to something without any intention to follow through is a huge red flag that the relationship is on the rocks. This passive-aggressive behavior will create mistrust as you\u2019ll be unsure if your partner can honor their word.<\/p>\n Being in a relationship with someone who is critical of you and who constantly points out your flaws can destroy your self-esteem. This is especially insidious when your partner refuses to look at their own faults. Partner with someone who lifts you up, not\u00a0someone who tries to tear you down<\/a>.<\/p>\n Being with your soulmate doesn\u2019t mean that you won\u2019t ever be triggered or behave badly when there\u2019s a conflict. Conflict in and of itself isn\u2019t a red flag. In fact,\u00a0in a soulmate relationship<\/a>,\u00a0you\u2019ll turn your conflicts into a deeper connection and heal each other\u2019s wounds from the past.<\/p>\n Mastering this skill can turn an ordinary relationship into a soul-satisfying and long-lasting one. Here are the top skills necessary to transform conflict so you two can grow together rather than apart:<\/p>\n If you\u2019re triggered, nothing productive can happen until you calm yourself down. This isn\u2019t your partner\u2019s responsibility. Your ability to calm yourself shouldn\u2019t be dependent on your partner\u2019s actions. It\u2019s up to you to get your nervous system back online.<\/p>\n Request that the two of you take a break from the conflict. Sit or lie down. Place your hand on your chest or on your navel. Breathe slowly in and out until you begin to feel your body and mind calming down. Once you are present, grounded, and calm, you can go back to your partner and begin to repair.<\/p>\n Do your best to have an open mind and not jump to conclusions about your partner\u2019s behavior. When you\u2019re curious about your partner you\u2019re less focused on your own hurt and anger, plus you\u2019re open to discovering their point of view and their feelings.<\/p>\n Listen and resist the urge to interrupt, explain, or defend yourself. If you\u2019re creating a reply in your mind then you\u2019re not really listening, so be sure to listen with curiosity and compassion. A conflict doesn\u2019t make your partner an enemy.<\/p>\n Without responsibility, there can be no real healing. You\u2019ll want to take 100% responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. However, resist all urges to take responsibility for your partner\u2019s thoughts, feelings, and actions.<\/p>\n Keep your side of the street clean<\/a>\u00a0and avoid trying to clean up the other side of the street. You aren\u2019t responsible for your partner. You\u2019re responsible only for yourself.<\/p>\n Communicating authentically means you can identify how you feel and express it, ideally using \u201cI\u201d statements and not \u201cyou\u201d statements. Focus on sharing how you feel without providing your opinion of your partner\u2019s actions. Authenticity has a high vibration and when you communicate authentically you invite your partner to meet you at a high level of authenticity.<\/p>\n When you\u2019re both willing to be authentic you can create emotional intimacy and connection \u2014 this is your soul\u2019s truest desire.<\/p>\nNot All Conflicts Are Created Equal<\/h2>\n
What Happens When You\u2019re Triggered?<\/h2>\n
Conflict Isn\u2019t A Red Flag, But What Happens After May Be<\/h2>\n
Dating Red Flags You Can Spot Due To Conflict<\/h2>\n
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Your Partner Denies Your Feelings Or Experiences<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Your Partner Gets Defensive Or Doesn\u2019t Take Responsibility<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Your Partner Refuses To Budge On Their Position<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Your Partner Disrespects You And Your Choices<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Your Partner Stonewalls You<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Your Partner Agrees To Change But Doesn\u2019t Follow Through<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Your Partner Focuses On Your Flaws But Ignores Their Own<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
Turning A Conflict Into A Deeper Connection<\/h2>\n
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Calm Yourself Down First<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Stay In Curiosity<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Take Responsibility For Your 50%<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Communicate Authentically<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n