While your pattern of attracting narcissists may leave you feeling hopeless about your prospects for lasting love, the truth is you can break this pattern by developing new dating strategies to weed them out and attract\u00a0the kind of partner you desire<\/a>, one who would make an ideal match for the long-term.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re unsure you\u2019re dating a narcissist, here\u2019s a helpful guide:<\/p>\n A narcissist covers up their extremely fragile self-esteem with a heightened sense of self-importance along with an unquenchable need for attention. Narcissists are sensitive to any criticism, desire excessive admiration, have a sense of entitlement, and lack empathy for others.<\/p>\n The beginning of a relationship with a narcissist is intoxicating. They\u2019ll put all their focus on you. All their charm and charisma are like sunshine warming your heart and it can be very difficult to resist. They make you feel great when they\u2019re goal is to win you over.<\/p>\n If you reject a narcissist, they may react by coming on stronger. The lack of interest fuels their need to capture your heart and they\u2019ll pull out all the stops. Once a narcissist has you in their sights they\u2019ll do whatever it takes to sweep you off your feet \u2014 also known as Love Bombing.<\/p>\n However, as soon as they\u2019ve drawn you in, narcissists become controlling, moody, impatient, belittling, entitled, and dismissive. They don\u2019t want you to shine brighter than them, so they\u2019ll knock you down to make sure you don\u2019t outshine them.<\/p>\n Because they lack empathy, narcissists never see your side of things and discount your experience as well as your feelings. A narcissist has only one way of seeing the world: theirs. They\u2019re incapable of being loving and supportive partners.<\/p>\n Narcissists use manipulative strategies to keep you under their control. You may begin to believe that it\u2019s your fault that they\u2019re behaving badly. You end up questioning whether you did something wrong, and\u00a0your self-confidence and self-esteem<\/a> erode.<\/p>\n Because narcissists are such bad partners, you\u2019re probably wondering, \u201cWhat\u2019s wrong with me and why do I attract narcissists?\u201d<\/p>\n The first step to understanding why<\/em> you attract narcissists is to turn the question around to better understand what\u2019s really going on. You don\u2019t have some hidden magnet inside of you that pulls a narcissist toward you every time you cross paths with one.<\/p>\n Instead you have a hidden subconscious program that highlights narcissists and makes them shine brighter than other potential partners out in the world. There\u2019s a familiar dynamic that keeps you engaging with the narcissists you meet.<\/p>\n Instead of recognizing their narcissistic qualities, you\u2019re drawn to them because inside your mind there\u2019s an alarm announcing, \u201cThis is familiar! This is familiar!\u201d Unfortunately your subconscious cannot distinguish between what is familiar and good for you, versus familiar and bad for you. (This is because your subconscious cannot judge or analyze.)<\/p>\n Instead of asking, \u201cWhy do I attract narcissists?\u201d you are better off asking, \u201cWhat is it about narcissists that feels familiar to me? Why is this toxic dynamic drawing me in?\u201d<\/p>\n To be clear: You\u2019re not attracting narcissists, you\u2019re attracted to them.\u00a0<\/strong>Think of it as a false positive. When you\u2019re looking for a romantic partner it\u2019s easy to mistake the familiar dynamic of a narcissist for attraction and chemistry. You may even believe that you\u2019re destined to be with them.<\/p>\n What would cause you to be attracted to such an unpleasant partner?<\/p>\n This is the most common reason why you\u2019re attracting narcissists. You learn about love initially in your family of origin. The dynamic between you and the people who raised you creates your subconscious program for love and intimate relationships. We call this Your Love Imprint\u00ae.<\/a><\/p>\n While your relationship with your parents is not a romantic one, it is your first love relationship. As a little baby, you needed to feel loved and safe to survive and your parents are the source of your love and safety.<\/p>\n Since your parents are like gods to you as a child, you won\u2019t see\u00a0their inability to parent you as their fault. Instead, you take full responsibility for their flaws. You believe that you\u2019re the problem and there must be something wrong with you. You\u2019ll take on any belief or strategy to feel loved and safe in your family of origin.<\/p>\n Children with narcissistic parents grow up to be perfectly matched for romantic partners who are narcissists. The relationship dynamic is familiar to you (and weirdly comfortable) that you have trouble extricating yourself from the toxic situation. (Many people can\u2019t even recognize that the relationship is in fact a toxic one.)<\/p>\n This same pattern applies to people who have been abused, bullied, or have trauma in their childhood. The familiar dynamic plays out in romantic relationships.<\/p>\n Why do you attract narcissists? The most common reason is because you were raised by a narcissist and you developed perfect strategies for accommodating their moods and selfish behavior. Dating a narcissist feels \u201cnormal\u201d because you\u2019re used to constantly trying to win love from a narcissist who is incapable of loving you.<\/p>\n It\u2019s important to understand and relate to another person\u2019s feelings to develop healthy intimate relationships. Putting yourself in someone else\u2019s shoes to feel what they\u2019re feeling gives you the ability to release judgment and understand your partner\u2019s point of view.<\/p>\n However, being able to tune into your partner\u2019s needs and desires plays right into a narcissist\u2019s need to be the center of attention. While you may be great at valuing your partner\u2019s point of view, your narcissist boyfriend or girlfriend won\u2019t ever be able to reciprocate. In fact, they\u2019ll use your empathy against you.<\/p>\n They\u2019ll constantly ask you to see their side of things while discounting your own experience and your emotional life. They\u2019ll play the victim when called out, and may even attack you for criticizing them.<\/p>\n Empaths also tend to give others the benefit of the doubt and assume their intentions are altruistic. This can cause you to\u00a0easily forgive bad behavior<\/a>\u00a0and assume your partner isn\u2019t against you or trying to manipulate you. This plays right into a narcissist\u2019s ability to take advantage of your good nature.<\/p>\n Why do you attract narcissists? Because your empathic abilities leave you vulnerable to a narcissist\u2019s manipulation.<\/p>\n You can\u2019t sacrifice your needs and have healthy relationships. This co-dependent strategy leaves you feeling empty and wondering if your partner will ever reciprocate. Narcissists don\u2019t reciprocate. They just continue to receive until you have nothing left to give. They will wring you dry again and again and again.<\/p>\n Giving to get is not a good strategy for lasting love. Notice if you find yourself feeling angry and resentful that\u00a0your partner doesn\u2019t consider your needs<\/a>. A narcissist sees you as the solution to their needs and is unable to understand that you require something from them. In their mind, being with them should be enough for you.<\/p>\n Why do you attract narcissists? Because your strategy of over-giving and sacrificing your needs feeds the narcissist so they feel satisfied without requiring them to reciprocate.<\/p>\n Low self-esteem can leave you vulnerable to a narcissist. At the beginning of the relationship when they\u2019re love-bombing you, you\u2019ll feel overwhelmed by how much attention they\u2019re directing your way. The narcissist uses their false sense of confidence to take advantage of your lack of confidence.<\/p>\n They\u2019ll build you up and make you feel so special. They seem to be the answer to your prayers and dreams.<\/p>\n But as the relationship continues, they\u2019ll begin to use your lack of self-esteem against you, subtly chipping away at your confidence. This is a way of controlling you and keeping you under their sway. They know they can turn their attention back to you anytime they need to, and you\u2019ll respond accordingly.<\/p>\n Why do you attract narcissists? Because your low self-esteem and lack of confidence leave you vulnerable to their manipulations.<\/p>\n The good news is you\u2019re not doomed to be stuck in this type of toxic relationship. You can change your strategies, develop a stronger sense of self, and learn to set and keep boundaries. Not only can you break your pattern of dating a narcissist, but your new strategies will repel them for good.<\/p>\n There\u2019s nothing wrong with being empathetic and considerate of others. These are admirable qualities. It\u2019s sensible to be a generous and compassionate person, however it doesn\u2019t require you to sacrifice your needs and ignore your wants.<\/p>\n If you allow bad behavior to continue because you\u2019re unwilling to set and enforce your boundaries, you\u2019ll leave yourself open to being manipulated by a narcissist.<\/p>\n Do you know what behaviors are deal breakers for you? Are you willing to enforce consequences if your partner doesn\u2019t honor an agreement? Setting and keeping boundaries is the most powerful action you can take to break this pattern.<\/p>\n Dating a narcissist means they\u2019ll\u00a0ignore and repeatedly push at your boundaries<\/a>. Don\u2019t give in and they\u2019ll eventually move on. Narcissists don\u2019t have boundaries and don\u2019t like people who enforce their own.<\/p>\n The false flag of \u201cLove At First Sight\u201d is instant intimacy with a narcissist. The rush of an immediate spark with a stranger can be a warning signal that\u00a0there is danger ahead<\/a>. Lasting love doesn\u2019t happen after a few dates, it develops over time.<\/p>\n Seduction by a narcissist is exhilarating because they\u2019re overwhelmingly charming and put all their attention on their target. Dating a narcissist is a charm attack that overwhelms your judgment and knocks you off balance.<\/p>\n Never give a stranger the benefit of the doubt just because you feel a strong attraction to them. Do not ignore any red flags. The dating process should take some time. Wait it out until they prove they can meet your needs and observe them closely when there\u2019s a conflict or disagreement. See if they can see your point of view and honor your requests.<\/p>\n Being patient and not rushing in quickly to exclusivity or physical intimacy will become like a security system that keeps the narcissists away from you. They\u2019ll love patience and look for an easier target.<\/p>\n Do you find yourself reviewing your conversations with your partner after the fact looking for what you could\u2019ve done better or differently?\u00a0Do you feel insecure, anxious, and criticize yourself?<\/p>\n How you feel when you’re with your partner informs you if they\u2019re a good match for you. One warning sign is that you\u2019re constantly questioning if you\u2019ve done something wrong.\u00a0 Another is feeling euphoric and obsessively thinking about them.<\/p>\n The start of a healthy love relationship will leave you feeling curious, happy, and contented. You feel grounded and joyful at the same.<\/p>\n When you have a pattern of dating narcissists, notice if you\u2019re obsessing about your date or questioning whether your feelings are valid. It\u2019s time to get out and move on!<\/p>\n A narcissist isn\u2019t interested in meeting your needs. They may give you lip service, but they won\u2019t follow through. Pay attention to how they respond when you make a request or ask them to do something for you.<\/p>\n A narcissist will get defensive, argue with you, belittle your requests, or try to downplay or diminish your feelings. Narcissists see your needs in competition with their own.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re dating a narcissist, by making requests you\u2019ll discover if they can meet your needs. If they can\u2019t, or don\u2019t even try, it\u2019s time to cut them loose.<\/p>\n You weren\u2019t born feeling self-confident or feeling insecure. You learned to feel one way or the other depending on your experiences. Self-confidence doesn\u2019t develop out of thin air; it comes from taking actions that make you feel good about yourself.<\/p>\n You can make efforts to grow your self-confidence<\/a>\u00a0by doing things you\u2019ve never done before. Stretching out of your comfort zone and learning something new helps you build your belief in yourself.<\/p>\n Small consistent changes can have a dramatic effect in a relatively short period of time.<\/p>\n You\u2019re not going to develop self-confidence overnight and you don\u2019t have to change everything about yourself all at once. Take one small step at a time.<\/p>\n Start by making agreements with yourself that you promise to keep. If you forget or make a mistake, start again. Every day is a new opportunity to stick to the commitments you have made to yourself.<\/p>\n The more self-confident you become, the less attractive you are to a narcissist. They won\u2019t even notice you when they\u2019re looking for their next target.<\/p>\n Attraction is important for lasting love, but its only one ingredient. Without shared values, compatible lifestyles, and good communication love won\u2019t last. You need common ground to stick together through difficult times. Dating a narcissist may feel exhilarating, but you don\u2019t share the same values and you can\u2019t build a life together.<\/p>\nWhat Is It Like Dating A Narcissist?<\/h2>\n
Why Do You Attract Narcissists?<\/strong><\/h2>\n
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You Were Raised By A Narcissistic Parent<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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You Have An Overdeveloped Sense Of Empathy<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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You Have A Strategy Of Sacrificing Your Needs To Earn Love<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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You Don\u2019t Believe You Are Worthy Of Love<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
How To Change Your Pattern Of Being Attracted To Narcissists<\/h2>\n
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Set And Keep Clear Boundaries<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Don\u2019t Be Fooled By Instant Intimacy<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Pay Attention To Your Inner Dialog<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Make Requests<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Build Your Self-Confidence<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Focus On What\u2019s Really Important<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n