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\n\u201cDear Orna and Matthew,<\/p>\n
Why won\u2019t he let me in? I\u2019ve been dating my boyfriend for several months and I\u2019m struggling with whether I should continue or not. I\u2019ve been trying to get him to open up to me, but he won\u2019t let me in and I\u2019m not sure if I can take it anymore.<\/p>\n
He\u2019s a good guy, but he\u2019s so guarded, and I never really know what\u2019s going on with him. How do I get him to open up to me? I don\u2019t know what he\u2019s thinking because he never tells me what\u2019s going on. I feel like I\u2019m in the dark.<\/p>\n
Please help!<\/p>\n
Heather\u201d<\/p>\n
Dear Heather,<\/p>\n
There are many reasons why he won\u2019t let you in and most of them have nothing to do with you. You\u2019ll want to see if you can figure out the cause and determine if it\u2019s his inability to be emotionally authentic or tied to your relationship dynamics. Discovering the root cause of the problem<\/a> will give you the information you need to decide whether to stay or go.<\/p>\n He could be emotionally unavailable for any number of reasons \u2013 addiction, emotional immaturity, defensiveness, withdrawal, or passivity. Whatever the reason, it\u2019s impossible to create emotional intimacy with a man who isn\u2019t open to it.<\/p>\n You have control over what you think, feel, and do, however, you cannot control what he thinks, feels, or does. Make sure you\u2019re not twisting into a pretzel trying to get him to let you in.<\/p>\n Why won\u2019t he let you in? He\u2019s not available for an emotionally intimate relationship<\/a>.<\/p>\n The bad news is he could just be in it for companionship and convenience. This doesn\u2019t mean that he doesn\u2019t like you or find you attractive, it means that he enjoys spending time with you but doesn\u2019t see a future with you.<\/p>\n A man who wants a relationship with you will make the effort to move the relationship forward. He\u2019ll plan dates in the future, introduce you to his friends and family, and he\u2019ll be curious about you, so he\u2019ll know how to make you happier. There\u2019s nothing wrong with a convenient relationship as long as you\u2019re both in agreement that\u2019s all it is. Sadly, it seems that you want more, and he may not.<\/p>\n Why won\u2019t he let you in? He likes you but doesn\u2019t see a future with you.<\/p>\n Many people are uncomfortable with conflict<\/a> and go to extreme measures to avoid upsetting their partner. They avoid difficult conversations and don\u2019t share what they\u2019re thinking because they\u2019re afraid of being rejected or of causing a disagreement.<\/p>\n Avoiding conflict creates emotional disconnection, it may seem like the relationship is stale. Not speaking up about what\u2019s bothering you will cause you to emotionally withdraw, which makes it difficult for your partner to connect with you. When differences are approached with care and conscious communication you can create a much deeper connection and an emotional bond between the two of you.<\/p>\n Why won\u2019t he let you in? He\u2019s afraid of conflict and withholding his opinions, thoughts, and feelings.<\/p>\n It\u2019s common for people to close themselves off if they feel judged or criticized. While you believe you\u2019re being helpful, he\u2019s closing off because he feels like he\u2019s being pressured<\/a> to be different. He may believe that nothing he does is good enough for you, or may not know how to please you leaving him perplexed about which action to take.<\/p>\n If he feels judged, then he could get defensive or stonewall you, and give you pat answers that don\u2019t reveal what\u2019s really going on with him.<\/p>\n Why won\u2019t he let you in? He doesn\u2019t know how to please you.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a reason why it\u2019s a clich\u00e9 that men don\u2019t ask for directions. Call it pride or just a desire to figure it out on their own, many men close off when they hear you giving them advice about how to live their life or take care of themselves. Or he may internalize your advice to mean that you don\u2019t trust him to make the right decisions. He may believe that you perceive him as weak or incapable.<\/p>\n His closing off to your advice could be a symptom of toxic masculinity or insecurity, or he could just bristle at unsolicited advice. If he feels like he\u2019s being told how to live his life, he won\u2019t feel safe to seek your counsel.<\/p>\n Why won\u2019t he let you in? He doesn\u2019t believe that you trust him to take care of things.<\/p>\n Many men had their feelings invalidated when they were boys. Often being told to \u201cact like a man\u201d and put their feelings aside. Because of this conditioning, they\u2019re not in touch with their emotional life. When you ask a man raised this way how he feels, he will look at you with a blank expression \u2014 he literally can\u2019t answer the question.<\/p>\n If he doesn\u2019t know how he feels, then he\u2019s not going to be able to share his feelings with you. Emotional connection requires that you both are emotionally authentic.<\/p>\n Why won\u2019t he let you in? He\u2019s not in touch with his emotions and therefore can\u2019t identify or express his feelings.<\/p>\n Getting past these hurdles is difficult and it\u2019s not up to you to get him to let you in, however, you can create an environment where he feels safe to open up and be vulnerable with you. Many men want to talk about their feelings more, but they need the right environment to be emotionally expressive.<\/p>\n It\u2019s important to find a balance between both of your needs and wants. Make sure that you\u2019re not going into sacrifice for him<\/a>. Your needs can\u2019t be less important or valuable than his.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/strong>It\u2019s not up to you to open him up so he can let you in. Keeping this in mind there are things you can do to let him know it\u2019s safe to open up to you. Ultimately, you\u2019ll find out if he is a match for you long-term<\/a> or not.<\/p>\n Women tend to be more comfortable expressing their emotions, but most men aren\u2019t. They’re more connected to their linear, logical brain. In order to speak his language, talk across the brain. Instead of asking him how he\u2019s feeling, share your feelings and ask what he\u2019s thinking.<\/p>\n By being curious and asking about his thoughts you\u2019re giving him the opportunity to open up to you. He may not use the same emotionally intelligent words as you, but it\u2019s still a chance at creating connection.<\/p>\n The fuel a man runs on in a relationship is acknowledgment and appreciation. Rather than treating your boyfriend like a girlfriend and expecting him to reciprocate, simply express your gratitude for him and the things he does for you. This will emotionally bond him because he knows how to please you and increase your happiness.<\/p>\n Encourage him to speak up by expressing gratitude when he shares his feelings with you. The more you let him know that you appreciate his efforts, the more effort he\u2019ll put into it<\/a>.<\/p>\n Emotional authenticity is the doorway to emotional intimacy. Sharing how you feel is an invitation for him to share his feelings. When you\u2019re authentic you\u2019re inviting him to speak his truth too.<\/p>\n Being authentic isn\u2019t about him or how he is behaving (that\u2019s your opinion). Being authentic means you\u2019re expressing how you feel \u2014 that\u2019s it! Be sure to use \u201cI\u201d language and focus your communication only on your emotional state.<\/p>\n A recent study shows that women speak approximately 20,000 words a day, compared to men<\/a> who speak roughly 7,000. Create a trusting environment by listening and give him time to find the right words without interrupting.<\/p>\n Rather than offering advice, be curious and ask if he has some options on how to handle a particular situation. If he shares his feelings with you let him know that you appreciate him letting you in; you can also take the extra step of validating his feelings.<\/p>\n It\u2019s important to clean up any conflicts or disagreements between you. Once you\u2019ve resolved the issue move on as bringing up the past can be demoralizing to him. He needs to know that you\u2019re not keeping score or holding grudges.<\/p>\n No matter your conflicts, you\u2019re doing the dance together and you\u2019ve both made mistakes. Rehashing the past<\/a> is like picking the scab off a wound, it will never heal and instead put a wedge between you. Say what you need to say and then let it go.<\/p>\n You\u2019re 100% responsible for your half of the relationship. When you take responsibility for your part, you give him permission to own his. You also let him know that you don\u2019t blame him for what has happened between you.<\/p>\n Responsibility is a powerful way to assure your partner and create certainty in a relationship. The more he knows that he\u2019s not being blamed all the time, the more likely he is to be vulnerable and share his feelings.<\/p>\n When you do your best to practice these tools, you create an environment of trust between you. The goal is not perfection. The goal is to make your best efforts.<\/p>\n None of these steps will guarantee that he\u2019ll become more vulnerable and let you in. Instead, approach these tools as an experiment and see if he has the capability to meet your needs. If he starts to let you in, give him encouragement by appreciating his efforts. If things don\u2019t change between the two of you, you have all the information you need about what he\u2019s capable of.<\/p>\n Relationships have a natural ebb and flow. Knowing the progressive stages that a relationship goes through and how to navigate them will help guide you through any challenges you face together. Get the details in our special report,\u00a0The 5 Stages of Relationship<\/a> so you\u2019re prepared for the journey and have the kind of relationship that you know will stand the test of time.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" \u201cDear Orna and Matthew, Why won\u2019t he let me in? […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":5063,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[69],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-5062","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-understanding-men"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5062","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=5062"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/5062\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/5063"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=5062"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=5062"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=5062"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}6 Reasons Why He Won\u2019t Let You In<\/h2>\n
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He\u2019s Not Emotionally Available For A Relationship<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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He Doesn\u2019t See The Relationship Lasting Long-Term<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
<\/div><\/a>\r\n\r\n\r\n\n\n
He\u2019s Conflict Avoidant<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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He Feels Judged, Criticized, Or Pressured<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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He\u2019s Not Looking For Advice<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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He\u2019s Not In Touch With His Emotions<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
<\/div><\/a>\r\n\r\n\r\n\nHow To Get Him To Let You In<\/h2>\n
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Speak His Language<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Acknowledge And Appreciate His Efforts<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Speak Your Truth<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Give Him Time To Speak<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Don\u2019t Rehash The Past<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Take Responsibility For Your Part<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Create An Environment Of Trust<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n