Why isn\u2019t it enough that we love each other? If it\u2019s real love, why does it take so much work?<\/p>\n
Cheryl”<\/p>\n![](\"https:\/\/www.loveonpurpose.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/new12.svg\")
Hi Cheryl,<\/p>\n
It seems like real love should be easy, especially when things go so smoothly at the beginning. You\u2019ll end up having conflict no matter who you\u2019re in relationship with. It\u2019s okay to get mad and disagree because getting stuck in a fight cycle is a normal relationship progression. The problem appears to be that you\u2019re missing the skills to find your way through conflict to create a deeper connection.<\/p>\n
Even when it\u2019s real love you can\u2019t sustain consistent conflict or the repetition of the same issues over a long period of time, so the problem is that you\u2019re not able to repair and reconnect after a fight.<\/p>\n
The good news is that you (and your S.O.) can learn new skills<\/a> that allow you to create a stronger bond through the conflicts that arise. When you accept disagreements and miscommunication as a natural part of any relationship, you can focus on developing the skills to strengthen your love.<\/p>\n When you experience real love with someone, it\u2019s partially because of what you share<\/a> \u2014 similar sense of humor, taste in music and\/or movies, life goals, and mutual attraction and chemistry.<\/p>\n But a major component of your attraction and chemistry comes from your differences.<\/p>\n The person you\u2019re in a relationship with is a completely different person than you. They have different beliefs than you, different strategies for dealing with stress, different strategies to respond to the same stimuli, different mental\/emotional patterns, and different life experiences.<\/p>\n These differences are the foundation of your disagreements. Navigating through your differences together is the most important skill for real love to thrive and prevail. Just because you love each other doesn\u2019t mean that your differences won\u2019t cause friction between you, it\u2019s normal and a part of every relationship.<\/p>\n Real love doesn\u2019t just happen when you find the mythical \u201cright person.\u201d It\u2019s unrealistic to believe that the feelings of falling in love will last forever, and that you\u2019ll easily navigate conflict together. This unrealistic expectation puts too much pressure on the relationship. It doesn\u2019t mean that real love doesn\u2019t exist between you.<\/p>\n Sharing a lifetime with someone<\/a> requires you to navigate through issues together, allowing you to create a more satisfying and deeper connection over time. Real love stands the test of time because each person chooses the relationship over their ego needs and desires.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t let your resistance to conflict color your perception of the relationship. Real love relationships require effort to last, but that work shouldn\u2019t be the primary dynamic between you. If you\u2019re constantly at odds with each other there is a more serious problem at hand.<\/p>\n When you think of love as a feeling, you focus on how you feel about your partner, as if that is the only measurement for love. This is why so many people fall in love and then fall out of love \u2014 as if love is entirely out of your control.<\/p>\n However, if you think of love as a choice that you make about someone you care about, then you can choose loving thoughts and behaviors. Real love requires you to take loving actions, even on those days when you don\u2019t feel like it.<\/p>\n Love is not just a feeling, it\u2019s a decision you make every day of your life. Even when your partner doesn\u2019t take out the trash, spends too much time playing video games, when they don\u2019t pay attention to what you said, or get defensive about your feedback \u2014 you can still choose loving thoughts and actions.<\/p>\n Relationships follow a natural path from the initial bloom of young love to the more mature bond between a couple that has been through tough times together. Examining the first two stages of relationship<\/a> will provide insight into why you\u2019re stuck in a fight cycle.<\/p>\n The first stage of relationship is the romance stage. During this stage you\u2019re a wee bit delusional about your partner due to the chemicals released by the brain. You can foolishly think they\u2019re just like you, that you\u2019ll never have problems, and that this feeling of intoxication will last forever.<\/p>\n Expecting the romance stage to last forever is a fantasy. During this first stage of relationship, your brain is flooded with feel-good chemicals like serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin. You\u2019re literally high on love<\/a>.<\/p>\n Don\u2019t mistake this chemical high for real love! The purpose of the romance stage is to fill the tank of the relationship so you bond together and can make it through rough patches. The longer the romance stage, the more positive memories you have to draw upon when times get tough.<\/p>\n During this stage, it\u2019s like your partner can do no wrong. This is when both of you have blind spots to the other\u2019s faults. It\u2019s all new and exciting and it\u2019s truly a chemical high that simply can\u2019t last. It\u2019s not everlasting, but it is the promise of what can be if you continue to choose each other.<\/p>\n Once the chemicals of the romance stage wear off it\u2019s like you\u2019re hungover. Suddenly your partner\u2019s adorable behaviors become annoying. Instead of agreeing on everything and seeing them through rose-colored glasses, you now see them as they really are, and they are different than you. This second stage of relationship allows both of you to individuate from the other.<\/p>\n The power struggle stage is an emotional tug-of-war because you\u2019re each fighting for your way of thinking and doing things. The differences that brought you together are now seen through a critical filter. You may find that you\u2019re overly critical or annoyed by your partner\u2019s behavior. It\u2019s likely you\u2019ll each get triggered causing big fights.<\/p>\n Both of you could find yourselves thinking (and even saying) \u201cIf you\u2019d agree to do things my way we\u2019d get along better.\u201d Stressful events reveal your strategies for coping with life events. When your coping strategies conflict with your partner\u2019s strategies then friction arises.<\/p>\n This is where most couples get frustrated and give up on the relationship. The false belief that real love protects you from having conflict<\/a> is the actual problem. No couple skips the power struggle stage. Nature brings two different people together to safeguard the family unit. The fact that opposites attract is built into species survival.<\/p>\n The only way to overcome the power struggle stage and strengthen your bond is to learn a new approach to handling conflict.<\/p>\n If you\u2019re triggered, you\u2019re likely to say or do something you\u2019ll regret. You can\u2019t reconnect and repair until you compose yourself. It\u2019s not your partner\u2019s responsibility to calm you down, it\u2019s up to you to calm your own nervous system<\/a>.<\/p>\n Take a pause as soon as you realize you\u2019re triggered. Use this time to get your brain back online and feel serene (do not sit and stew about the events that upset you). When you\u2019re triggered, your mind is in fight\/flight mode, and you can\u2019t think clearly.<\/p>\n Try this out next time you\u2019re triggered: Tell your partner you need to pause and then find a space where you are alone. Sit or lie down and place your hand on your chest or on your navel. Breathe slowly in and out until you begin to feel your body and mind calming down. Once you are present, grounded, and tranquil, reach out to your partner and find out if they are ready to repair and reconnect.<\/p>\n In a power struggle both of you are pulling on the rope in a figurative tug of war. It\u2019s an ego battle between right and wrong. In reality, we live in the gray where things are not so black and white. Release the rope by choosing not to take your partner\u2019s behavior personally.<\/p>\n Your partner\u2019s behavior \u2013 their strategies, their triggers, their actions \u2013 aren\u2019t about you. They were put in place long before they ever met you and would show up in any relationship. Instead, do your best to have an open mind and not jump to conclusions. When you\u2019re curious about what\u2019s going on with them you\u2019re less focused on your own hurt and anger, plus you\u2019re no longer pulling on the rope changing the dynamic between the two of you.<\/p>\n Letting go of the rope allows you to be curious about your partner, their strategies, and opens the door to compassion creating an opportunity to repair and reconnect.<\/p>\n Just like your partner, you developed strategies, behaviors, and emotional reactions for dealing with stress long before the two of you ever met. They’re not responsible for your triggers.<\/p>\n The hard work of a relationship is taking 100% responsibility for your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. Without responsibility, there can never be any healing. Keep a boundary by not taking any responsibility for your partner\u2019s thoughts, feelings, or actions \u2014 these are all on them<\/a>.<\/p>\n Imagine you\u2019re each on opposite sides of the highway with a cement barrier down the middle. Keep your side of the street clean and avoid trying to clean up their side of the street. You\u2019re never responsible for your partner\u2019s behavior, you are responsible for your own.<\/p>\n Instead of focusing on what he said or did, begin by sharing your feelings. Use statements that begin with \u201cI,\u201d and avoid statements that begin with \u201cyou.\u201d Feelings are not opinions about his actions. Identify how you feel using clear and straightforward language and complete the sentence, \u201cI feel\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n Authenticity has a high vibration and communicating authentically is like an invitation asking your partner to meet you there. When you\u2019re both willing to be authentic you can create emotional intimacy and connection. This creates the space for real love and a deep bond with one another.<\/p>\n Conflicts often arise because you\u2019re emotionally disconnected from your partner or yourself. You\u2018ll never be connected to your partner 24\/7 365, no person can give you that. Getting triggered is part of the human experience. The goal is to restore intimacy and connection as soon as possible.<\/p>\n Emotional intimacy doesn\u2019t require agreement. Going over the play-by-play of the argument is futile; you\u2019ll never reconnect that way. There\u2019s no need to decide who was right and who was wrong \u2014 usually there\u2019s a misunderstanding, miscommunication, or a mistake.<\/p>\n Needing agreement is an ego desire, and it keeps you in the power struggle between right and wrong. When you\u2019re emotionally connected it\u2019s likely you\u2019ll find the conflict itself is insignificant. When you\u2019re in a committed relationship<\/a> your partner has earned the benefit of the doubt, and so have you.<\/p>\n Once you\u2019ve both taken responsibility, offered apologies, and reconnected let the conflict go. There\u2019s no need to keep score. Harboring anger and resentment will deteriorate the love between you and push you apart.<\/p>\n Instead, clean things up as they arise. Imagine conflicts are like dirty dishes in a sink, you don\u2019t want the dishes to pile up. Instead, clean as you go. Clean up the little misunderstandings and the minor annoyances before they become something bigger that can blow up like a volcano. Say what you need to say and then move on.<\/p>\n Real love doesn\u2019t have to be hard work, but it does require that you become a master of uncomfortable conversations. It may feel like a risk to reach out to your partner to reconnect, but it\u2019s a risk worth taking. Conflict can be a doorway to a deeper connection if you approach it with an open, curious, and loving heart.<\/p>\nReal Love Doesn\u2019t Exempt You From Conflict<\/h2>\n
Real Love Doesn\u2019t Just Happen By Accident<\/h2>\n
Real Love Is A Choice, Not A Feeling<\/h2>\n
The Romance Stage Should Be Easy<\/h2>\n
Every Intimate Relationship Will Have Power Struggles<\/h2>\n
6 Steps To Reclaiming Real Love<\/h2>\n
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Take A Pause When Triggered<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Let Go Of The Rope<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Take Responsibility For Your Triggers<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Real Love Requires Authentic Communication<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Real Love Doesn\u2019t Require Agreement<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n
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Don\u2019t Keep Score<\/h3>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n